I went to bed at 1:15am, very tired, but not “forced myself to stay awake” tired. I’ve been trying to be mindful of when I actually start winding down so I can use it as a cue to start going to bed. Forcing myself to turn off entertainment sources at midnight seems to have helped. The new meds make it a LOT easier to turn dopamine sources off.
My goal was to wake up at 9:30, but I woke up at 6:30 with a mild upper respiratory infection. It got really cold while I was working last night, but I didn’t think it was cold enough to cause this. This is normal, definitely not something worth saying “oh no, I might be getting sick.” But it did wake me up, so I have to address it. I’m susceptible to respiratory infections, so I already have all the self-care for that: chicken broth, Advil, Mucinex, bags of Vicks Vapo-Cool Severe, heck I even have Vicks Vapo Rub. So I have my morning coffee in one cup, my broth in another cup, and I took my meds. So we good. I also took a hot shower and made sure to put some eucalyptus-infused salts in the tub to let the steam help. I feel sufficiently cared for. Pampered, even.
I also just realized that the influence of GABA from the meds is most likely why I’m able to not “need” these dopamine influences so much. See, this is my real-life problem in action: my brain goes 155mph. I’ve had it tested with radar. I jest, but 155 really is my IQ as of ten years ago, and my blood tests do show that I naturally have very low levels of GABA in my system, which 100% directly influences my high anxiety, alcohol cravings, inability to control my moods and thought processes, tremors, panic attacks, and insomnia. Because of that, I tend to skip steps in reasoning, which is probably why I could give the answers for most mathematical equations up to college-level trig and calculus, but I couldn’t work the problems themselves.
In this case, I know that Depakote makes me tired. I know that it makes me feel satiated in the satisfaction department, but it also slows me down, or levels me off. Enough so that I’ve made the connection that, since GABA influences dopamine production indirectly, it would mean that Depakote is making it easier to stop chasing dopamine sources. I’ve slowed down enough to think thoroughly through a thing before acting on or believing I know more than what I already do about it — aka, it’s helping me with reasoning and decision-making. So Depakote not only helps me go tf to sleep, it also helps me think, and it also helps me not need dopamine sources. Which is why it works well as a mood stabilizer. (Owen Wilson “wow”)
*\o/* I need to break out the Perrier, that’s worth celebrating! hahahaha I crack myself up.
I’ve also noticed that I can actually meditate again. I think it’s been what…three weeks, now, since I started the meds? Everything has just slowed down. It’s getting closer and closer to being in the mental state that I was in when I was on this stuff long-term. I was on it from 2003ish to 2015 (when everything happened that I ended up leaving last year), and it was supposed to be a permanent medication. In one fell swoop, I lost that, my HRT, and my access to therapy. So getting back on this may have been a gut-punch because of the gaslighting and whiplashing I was dealing with. I went from understanding my situation, doing what I knew I needed to do to address and mitigate it, and living my best life, to believing that only bad people had the problem (the same folks that were demonized and chased away by “those two”), I did not have the problem, and doctors were lying to me about having it. Everything I’d worked to accomplish up to that point were rendered moot so that I could become dependent on someone who didn’t want me to do well.
This all makes sense, now. As complex and confusing as it’s been, I’m starting to understand exactly what happened. Like…no wonder I craved alcohol so much. No wonder I didn’t want to exist in that state: because the existence I created for myself was taken away. That’s fine, though. I’m getting myself back…removing all of what happened one layer at a time. And the meds are definitely helping with that.