(It’s apropos to use Dunvegan Castle’s tower as a featured image…for ancestry reasons, trust me on this)
“Be careful who you step on on the way up, as you will meet them on the way down” – Jeffrey Archer
I have someone “in my corner” who…how to put it…our conversations have been getting more and more negative, and even inflammatory over the past few months. It’s gotten so bad recently that I’ve caught myself ruminating on it late at night more often than not in the past couple of weeks. This is one of those people who have been there from the beginning, and so these conversations ended on heated and uncomfortable terms are not what I ever intended nor wanted. In my ruminations, I started noticing that this isn’t the only person who this is happening with. The trend is there are several — half a dozen folks who have been in my life for a good while (10-15 years) who are just not having good conversations lately. I would say it’s Mercury in retrograde, because it is, but this has been a devolution of relationships over the past few months. Hell, I even deferred to someone who’s already reminded me (in writing no less) that I already have all the answers I need, and to simply practice putting trust in myself in situations like this. Simple, yes, but not easy.
But I did ask them was essentially “Is there anything people still try to bring up to bring you back down?” And I referenced Jeffrey Archer’s quote about being careful who you step on, because it kinda felt like people were still trying to walk on me — specifically the folks who I’ve been having more and more negative conversations about. They all have the same trend where they’re talking to me as if I’m still drinking, or I’m still in a shelter, or I’m still not employed and earning my bills, or even living in a constant state of retraumatization. Some even have had the audacity to use previous gifts or payments for work against me as if I owed them anything for said gifts of payments that I already earned. Thus, I feel like people are still trying to walk on me with their chosen topics during our conversations.
And that sucks.
After posting the question last night on social, I slept on it and had a different perspective offered to me when I started writing about it in my private journal. The quote from Archer (from his book, Kane and Abel) originated from Wilson Mizner, who put it differently: “Be nice to people on the way up because you’ll meet them on the way down.” This not only changed my perspective on the situation with folks, it also made me realize some things about what happens relationally as we grow and progress in our lives.
What if people aren’t punching down, but they’re simply viewing my current state from their points of view, and those POVs are from a lower level/frequency? I’m not saying I’m better than anyone, but in order to grow and progress from where I was, I had to find a higher frequency and dial in instead of phoning in and half-ass doing anything or worse: hiding behind alcohol and letting fear, guilt, and shame rule my life. Therefore, what appears on the outside as a simple life with a simple job and simple bills and needs is much more: there is a lot of depth behind the door of my apartment. I’m emotional, sensitive, intuitive, I have been through it, and sometimes as a result of that, I can be volatile. Because of this, I’ve learned that I must stay attuned with my higher self, lest I get yanked back into a lesser state of being before I can even speak up. Boundaries are your friend, friendo. This is why we have them.
My “at their level” could be considered higher simply because of all I had to go through to get to where I am. It took incredible courage (I finally recognize this), a ton of therapy (which now includes a psychiatrist and medication), a lot of trial and error in the radical self-care and TLC department, and a lot of failures before I got to a place where I can come home and not be worried about deciding between bills and healthy food, and taking care of my personal needs are second-nature and without feeling like I don’t deserve it. I’m not the only one, but I’m the only one in my immediate and expanded IRL circles who has been through this process on such a life-altering scale. That having been said, I am not better than anyone because of this, I am simply better because of it.
Consider the actor who is now finally being seen for their talent, and because of this career growth, they had to find and attune to their higher frequency. Or the athlete who made it to the pros, and they had to dial in as well. You find your frequency, you dial in, and you don’t look back. You can be creating a Smaug-worthy dragon’s hoard out of all your trophies, being on prime time TV in your movie or with your team, and people are going to still not see you at your frequency unless they, too, are at your frequency.
They’re not punching down, they’re seeing you from their perspective.
See, at some point, we stopped building scaffolding and began building towers. Some people are still choosing, for whatever reason, to remain on their scaffolding. This is where they speak from, just as we speak from our towers. Again, it’s not a “better than / less than” issue, it’s a frequency issue. I was on scaffolding for a long time — even when I moved into my apartment — and the reason doesn’t matter. I stayed there until I finally figured out where the bricks were and how to build with them.
Being on different frequencies creates a lot of difficulty in communication, especially as you build yourself — and your tower — better and better. Those who choose not to grow with us will show it in the conversation level. It’s no longer about how much someone cares, but the fact that they choose to tell you that you should consider stopping drinking after they attended your 6 month chip pickup, or how you need to work hard and really grind it out after you just updated them on how well your doing and that you paid your rent up to next February just to be safe. Or that you should be grateful that they spent $3,000 on you after you earned that money from cleaning someone’s hoarder house a few months ago. Or my personal favorite: that you really shouldn’t be single if you’re so lonely after you casually explain in a conversation about dating that you love being single and have never even considered dating because you enjoy the freedom of not having to schedule yourself around another person.
These are four different people, btw.
The difference in frequency comes out in the negative forms of caring too much, overextending, nosiness, jealousy, or even shaming. Or, in my case, a slight/backhanded comment or “encouragement” that was dressed up with a cute bow on it to soften the blow.
With our towers, we take care to build stairs on the way, because we’re not here to shut people out, but if people aren’t going to join us or vibe with us as we continue to climb and build, we also equip our towers with lockable doors. Mind you, not all those who were with us at the beginning will be like that. My sister, for example, is just happy to see me glowing all the time. We’ve become better friends than we were growing up, as we barely knew each other back then. I’ve online friends who are just happy as a pig in shit (direct quote, snark appreciated) for my successes, and I’m even happier with myself as I learn to take care of my bubble and tend only to what’s in it before addressing other people.
As it is, though, not everyone gets to have access to your energy as you grow and progress. It will sting sometimes to let people go who no longer fit the ever-elevating baselines and plateaus that we build and rest at along the way. I think this is why I try to keep everyone at arm’s length anyway — I hate the letting go part. I don’t like having a lot of close friends, and would much rather have two or three close friends and simply know and be happy to have those around me where they are (who I call friendos — absolutely friend material, but we’ve never had the chance or time or space or connection level to actually speak or have a one on one conversation).
In hindsight, while I did pose the question as defensive and ready to fight (because people felt like they were steppin’), I realize now that the true answer is relative to Mizner’s version, which is simply to be kind. While you do outgrow people as you grow up and expand yourself and align with your higher frequency, being kind should still be the default. You don’t know where people are in their own life. Be careful on your way up. We are all on different levels, and it’s so important to be mindful of that. Give sincere encouragement. Allow sober folks to be sober around you without bringing it up — it’s a part of their life, it’s not their whole life. Make sure you’re giving from your heart and not as a manipulation tactic. Use your damned blinker. Hold doors. Be kind. That’s the whole point of this. It’s not about punching down, it’s about perspective. Be mindful not to step on folks. That’s the whole post.