I had a long list of C’s to consider before deciding on this one. There was courage, but that’s passe, in my opinion – it’s more of an x-factor than a skill or behavior. Plus, when people tell me “have courage!” I want to rage over it. It feels so…generic. There was compartmentalization, too, but let’s be honest, that’s a hell of a long word, and it’s a detailed and complicated explanation for how to make that a mental box in your brain when dealing with trauma (there’s good compartmentalization and toxic compartmentalization aka I may not have the correct letters after my name to actually explain it, haha). There was courtesy, care, creativity, consideration, credence, and more, but consistency was the one that stuck out the most, because consistency is, not ironically, something you need in order to get anywhere in your life.
SO WHAT IS CONSISTENCY?
Consistency is essentially having something behave or act the same way, regardless what is thrown at it. With water, for a counter example, it is water if everything around it remains the same. “Room temperature” makes water stay in its liquid state. If the temperature becomes too cold, water freezes into ice. If too hot, it evaporates into steam. Water is consistent depending on the climate around it. We know it’s water even if it changes into other forms. It simply changes in reaction to things around it.
Trees, on the other hand, are supple. If it’s cold, the branches still bend. If it’s hot, the branches still bend. Don’t discredit me, yet, I’m getting to something, and it’s not about admonishing you to bend at any circumstance. We are cptsd/ptsd/trauma survivors (otherwise, why are you here? Unless you’re the rare person who — from my perspective — are far above my own and are learning about how to better yourself from a higher perspective…which I welcome you, I’m just shocked anyone who hasn’t dealt with trauma would even consider my site — so thanks for reading). We do not bend…or maybe we do, but we are absolutely not trees, nor are we water (bags of water, maybe, but we would have to approach Robert Sabaroff for that explanation).
Allow me to explain this.
We are not water, and we are not trees. We are humans living a human experience. And some of us (actually one in three) have had a traumatic experience. I, as a writer about how to be and empower your most radical self, assume that folks who visit this site are part of that one in three. At this point, I have to speak up in that I’ve already had feedback from over two dozen people who have not dealt with trauma who have found my writing helpful.
Gosh, that’s a LOT! And my main goal was to try to help people just to learn to live freely away from what hindered them (traumatically). So…when writing about consistency, I had to stop and think about the differences between people who have been traumatized and those who have not. When I realized there is no difference in consistency, it made more sense to me as a survivor/thriver who is simply trying to live their life the best way possible. It’s all about how consistent you are, and it’s the same across the board.
Consistency, then, is the same, no matter where you are in your life. It’s how you remain yourself and keep pressing toward goals despite what is being thrown at you.
DON’T MISS THE FOREST FOR THE TREES
A good example of being consistent is when you feel like the odds are against you in an endeavour or goal, and you keep working toward it anyway. Like with me – I left a decade of narcissism last year. I moved into a homeless shelter, where I lived for a few months before moving into my own flat. I had a metric butt ton of struggles between then and now, but I learned to live without needing to hide under alcohol, I directly addressed my abandonment trauma (now in maintenance mode), I learned that something I associated with alcohol came from another issue entirely, and now I’m in that period of waiting for the medication to work and the new more intensive therapy to begin to work as well.
I’m referring to manic blackouts — I’m bipolar, and I’ve been in some heavy cycles of mania-related blackouts that are beyond my control for the time being. Until my medication fully loads (which should be within the next three weeks), I’m still at the mercy of these. They seem to happen every two weeks, but lately have been every two or three days. I’m tired, my body hurts, and honestly, I feel hungover after they’ve ended.
BE MINDFUL OF YOUR PITFALLS
I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if it’s worth even fighting for, or if I should just give up entirely. With holiday season right here and now in the US, I keep running into things that make me feel super tense and isolated (pictures of families gathered around tables and being happy — these things make me feel very alone). I’ve been avoiding TV, anything that has commercials, and trying not to look at billboards as a result. But when I run into something that brings a feeling of relief (unexpected kindness is a major example), the dopamine release is so intense that I end up watching that dopamine chase helicopter take off from the ground while simultaneously being in the cockpit itself and not being able to control where it goes. When the blackout takes hold, I instinctively try to reach out to people, but it’s always to the same person who my subconscious has determined is a safe person. They’re a safe person, yes, but not *my* safe person. But when I’m gone like that, I can’t see the difference.
It’s embarrassing. When I’m fine, I very well know the difference. But not when I’m in that state. I’m never mean, just chatty. It doesn’t matter to me. It feels like I am attempting to disrespect boundaries, and I don’t like being a person who does that, even if I don’t quite have the ability to control it, yet. It’s really hard to look at this from a stoic perspective. I look at it with honesty: I have this thing and it creates problems for me, and I am working on it. I hate it and sometimes I want to hate myself for it, but I forgive myself as best as I can, even though I believe that apologies and forgiveness are only good for the first mistake, and if it keeps happening, then it’s on purpose.
WHEN MISTAKES COME (AND THEY WILL), SELF-FORGIVENESS IS EVERYTHING
But it isn’t. I simply don’t have the ability to control them, yet; therefore, self-forgiveness must be as consistent as the blackouts. Self-forgiveness and a willingness to get back up, dust myself off, and keep trying to build myself into the better person that I want to be. Even when I want to quit, when I want to throw in the towel and say “fuck this, I’m out.” Because as far as I’ve come, it’s not fair to myself to say “this one thing is going to be what makes me decide to get off the bus.”
KEEP SHOWING UP
Consistency is the act of remaining yourself and working toward your goals no matter what is being thrown at you. I’m still brute forcing myself through it. I know if I can do it, then you can, too. Hopefully with less embarrassing blackouts. No matter where you are in your life, remain yourself and keep working toward your goals. A month from now, a year from now, a decade from now, you will thank your current self for continuing to show up, even when you didn’t think it was worth it.