Oh, empathy. That thing I am so good at usually having for others, but rarely for myself. It’s the ability to understand the feelings of another person and respond to or treat them with those feelings in mind. It’s akin to putting yourself in someone else’s shoes without literally being where they are, imagining what it’s like in their position, and let them know through our response(s) that we are aware of their emotional state.
It isn’t sympathy, which many people confuse the two. Sympathy is passively feeling pity or sorrow for a person’s position or situation. Empathy is actively reacting in a manner that shows the other person you are right there with them as best as you can be on an emotional level.
A good example of this is from my own experience with trauma and recovery. When I am at my worst, I look for external reassurance and validation. Except that’s not what I need — what I need is reinforcement that I am strong and knowledgeable enough as an individual, whether I get reassurance, validation, or not. My biggest support folks reinforce my experience, intellect, and strength. In place of the band aid that reassurance and validation would provide, I am given hope — but the kind of hope that comes from within, not from others. I’m blessed that I have a support system who know me well enough to actually give what I need instead of band aids.
Empathy goes a lot deeper than just knowing what someone else needs in a situation. When I played hockey (goalie), I had this near-mythical on-ice vision, according to my coaches and a write up (I was featured in an article when we went to nARCH one year). What vision is, in hockey terms, is the ability to see the ice well enough to put the puck where it needs to be in order for your teammates to do their job. As a goalie, being able to see and predict all four players’ movements on the concrete pond was necessary (this was inline hockey, after all, we didn’t play on ice). Most goalies are good at seeing next steps in their own zone. I could see the rink almost as if it were a complete mini map, and I had mental lines showing the trajectory of each player mentally established long before they would get there, so sailing the puck across the “ice” in advance was something I was rather adept at. I could see which player would be open and not offsides just in time to receive the puck that I’d pass. I also knew when the puck needed to be dumped to the other end or trashed into one of my corners. I just…knew. I knew what to do, when to do it, and how much time I had between decision and action.
Empathy is a lot like that on-ice vision. Where I, as a goalie, could see everyone’s movements, their individual situations, and what they need in order to keep progressing during the play, I also knew what I was capable doing from my humble abode in front of my net to give specific players a chance to put a score on the board. In social interactions, the same intuition that allowed me to create plays for my team helps me to instinctively understand the feelings, intentions, and situations that people around me are in, why they are acting the way they are, and what I might be able to do in my position as a human in their vicinity in order to either help them along or ease their struggle, or even celebrate their wins, if I’m able to do anything at all.
Hypervigilance helps as well. While it’s a byproduct of trauma, I’ve learned that it can also be used as a tool. I know just sitting on a bus that a woman across from me is frustrated because her phone just died. I could offer her mine if she needs to call someone or text them. I know the man sitting behind me is upset because his truck broke down in the mall parking lot. When we get off at my stop, I can offer him a ride if he needs it. I know the two kids in the back of the bus just skipped class to go to Dave and Buster’s, and they don’t realize their mother is hiding in the seat across from the man with the broken-down truck waiting to pounce on them. I didn’t have to say anything to anyone, I just know by behavior, expressions, and other aesthetic knowledge to help me discern the situation of everyone. In that moment, I can help the man with a ride and the woman with my phone. But the kids and their mum? Not in my field of expertise. But something tells me Mum’s got it under control.
One thing I struggle with is empathy toward myself. Self-awareness and hypervigilance I have in excess. But empathy? Being kind to myself when I need it? Rarely, and I say that even as I am learning to commit to my self-care on a radical level. It’s easier to throw a punch at myself a few times out of anger for being what I deem as not good enough than it is to forgive myself and be mindful of future infractions. We don’t learn by punching, however. But we do learn by mindfulness.
So…if you’re not good at being kind (empathetic) toward yourself, ask yourself a few questions:
- Are your needs met right now? By that, I mean have you showered, gotten dressed into clean/decent/any clothes — all the way to your shoes and socks? Have you eaten? Are you able to get some water and food right quick – to sit down and satiate any hunger?
- How do you feel? Now that your carnal needs have been met, get a pen and some paper. Not your phone, not your computer. Pen and paper. I don’t care if it’s a napkin. Just…something to write with and something to write on. Write down how you feel. Literally: “I feel ___” fill in the blank. If I were to write it down, I would write down that I am sad, but okay.
- Now write down why you feel this way. You don’t have to be massively detailed. Just write down why you feel ___. I’d write down that I lost a friend recently and am grieving.
- Empathy. Write down what you need right now. What can happen right this minute that would make you feel better. Me? Spending time with friends, but I can’t do that until tomorrow. So for now, I want to listen to music and complete a logic puzzle with a cup of Earl Grey and my cat in my lap. Earlier, I wanted to just close my eyes and practice breathing exercises. Before that, I soaked in a hot bath (fell asleep a little, actually).
Trauma teaches us that our feelings do not matter. It teaches us that we should put ourselves last, that we are not worthy of basic decent treatment. That we should not take time out for ourselves. The truth is, we deserve self-care and empathy even more because of what we have been through. It doesn’t matter if it was a one-time incident that “isn’t as bad” — if you hide from yourself, don’t. You deserve good treatment. You deserve to be seen as a human with human emotions and human needs. If you need permission to be honest with yourself and take care of yourself, I grant you permission.
- Get yourself cleaned up, eat something or have some water or tea or coffee or soda…or….but get satiated.
- Write down “i feel” and finish the sentence.
- Write down why you feel that way.
- Write down “this is what would help me feel better:” and list what would help you feel better.
Pro Tip: include things you can actually do or have access to.
Then go do at least one of the things on your list. Things that you don’t have to go far for — unless leaving the house is on your list.
Essentially: low-impact items that will be done more easily. Maybe try to experience two items on your list.
If you’re like me, the first few times you try to be authentically kind and empathetic toward yourself, you will probably cry or get very angry. It feels like you don’t deserve it. When I spent my first night of a three week stay in a behavioral health unit after a near-successful unaliving attempt, I was given stuff for a shower, fresh clothes, socks, slides (because shoelaces weren’t legal for reasons), and when I cleaned up and changed, I was taken down to the kitchen to get a meal in me. I sat at a table by myself and cried so hard that I choked myself a few times. I couldn’t eat. I was starving, but I was so ashamed of myself and hated myself that I felt like everything I was just given wasn’t deserved. I didn’t try to do what I did because I was in pain. I literally didn’t want to be here. When a behavioral health advocate came and sat with me, he pulled a pen from his pocket. He made me swear that I wouldn’t tell anyone for seven years (it’s been over ten at this point) that he loaned me his pen. But he had me write down what I just told you.
What do I feel? (I wrote “done.”)
Why? (my family stopped talking to me two months ago, my coworkers turned on me because I got promoted and apparently they don’t like me, I have no friends, I’m alone, I can’t drink enough to cover it up)
What do I have access to that would make me feel better? tea, puzzle, a book, a notepad, a hug. not being here anymore.
Then make yourself go do the list (or at least a few things on it). so i did.
This is basically what I wrote that day in 2011. And it was from that list that I learned I adore raspberry hibiscus tea, puzzle books are my favorite thing, and I keep them everywhere I spend time, just like books and notepads and writing instruments. I have all of that in the nightstand by my bed, and at my desk as well. My car, too. I even have a “go bag” at my grandmother’s house (yes, that grandmother) that includes those things as well.
So…you can do this. Dust off, clean up, get dressed, get a bite, and write down how you feel and why, and what would make you feel better. The more you make a practice of it, the easier it gets. Get comfortable being honest with yourself. If I can do it, you 100% an do it, too.