In my previous/intro post, I talked about how my life went along in the last 18 months, and after I finished and posted it, I started to realize that I’ve been through a lot of changes, and thus have changed quite a bit, myself. The more I ruminated on it, the more I wanted to write them all down, and share them on the blog. Over half of these are things I never imagined seeing within myself.
Honoring the Importance of my Morning Routine
- I am very irritable when I wake up.
I believe this is because I spend a lot of time at night thinking. I can go to bed, stay up playing games, you name it. I will be thinking deeply about everything. I dare not say that I am overthinking, because since I actually started therapy in April, I’ve slowed down significantly. I am less prone to making a split-second decision unless I perceive danger or myself falling into a state of re-traumatization (which still happens, just not nearly as often). I think, and I think, and I pour coffee or tea and think some more. Before I know it, it’s 4am, and I go to bed, where I think until about 5am and I drift of to sleep. Then I wake up super irritable. I used to wake up excited about the day, but now I’m cautious and guarded. - I will not socialize at all until I complete my morning routine.
I actually refuse to socialize until my morning routine is completed, specifically because I know how easily my words can impact others. I do have an affect on people, whether I’m happy or sad or angry or drunk…so my morning routine is imperative to shaking off the state of being ready to fight that I wake up in. This routine includes getting a self-directed pep talk before I even get out of the bed, making the bed, having a glass of water, a detailed shower and skin care routine, high fiving myself in the mirror, getting dressed to shoes, and then a good breakfast with a hot cuppa. Before this happens, I don’t exist to the world, as it should be. That is my time, and I relish in it. - If my morning routine doesn’t remove all the crankiness, my morning walk will.
I walk at least 1.2 miles in the morning. It’s a quick trip to the baseball field and back, and after breakfast, I go for it without putting much thought into it. I used to hit the ground straight out of bed, but the late night think sessions have put that super power aside for now. This walk is the muriatic acid to the rust of negativity that builds up on the steel frame that is my mind. I never come back from my walk in a bad mood. - I won’t commit to any new daily plans until my morning walk is completed.
This is the bookend of my morning routine, and it has become the golden ticket for having good days. It both caps my routine and indicates that I’ve fully transitioned from being asleep to being ready for whatever the day has in store for me.
Social Interactions are Polarizing Compared to Before Therapy
- I am hypervigilant especially toward people who are already in my corner.
This one confuses me, but I think I know why. I am more ready for people I already trust or have trusted for awhile to intentionally harm me, and will quickly snap at them or in their direction if I perceive them to intentionally cause me harm. These folks are a grand lot, and are gratefully patient with me and understand that I’m untangling decades of stuff that nobody needs to experience. I’m also quick to apologize to them for snapping at them (not the trauma response, but my reaction as a result of said response), and I’m grateful that they forgive me and make sure I’m not apologizing for the trauma response itself. - I’ve been called selfish more often since I started self-advocating and reinforcing personal boundaries.
I was prepared for this from conversations I’ve had with folks who are further along in their recovery and therapy. I just didn’t realize how many people would react like this. It’s a bit of an eye opener that people liked me a lot more when they could walk on me more easily. But…at the same time, is it really surprising? This realization has allowed me to reframe my energy output – if someone expresses upset when I state a boundary or openly defend myself, I step back and let them be upset. If they push, I walk away. I have to. - I’m a lot quicker to remove myself from situations that make me feel uncomfortable or invisible.
The realization has also given me the ability to dip out the back door when I feel uncomfortable or unseen in situations. I can do this with strangers and friends, and I hate to admit it, but most of the time, people don’t even notice when I leave. It’s not perception, it’s the literal “I didn’t even know you left” that I hear later on. - I don’t feel bad when severing ties with people who were never actually in my corner aside from lip service.
This was something I struggled with for ages. What if I leave and it was a good thing after all? I wasted so much time and energy on people who were never there for me except with prefabricated words that built a relational house made from balsam fir and painted with an apathetic builder’s beige. And that’s okay for them, but not for me. One thing that hasn’t changed is that I still long for meaningful connections. Now that this is becoming a foundational aspect of my relationships, the garden is weeding itself. - I don’t apologize for my trauma-related issues. I will apologize for how I react or being unable to make plans as a result.
I used to apologize for existing, but with the talk therapy and coaching, I’m far from needing to apologize for myself. I’m also not unique in the fact that I have a history of traumatic experiences. Perhaps the magnitude of it and the amount of harmers in my life from birth to just last year is unique, but I’m still not alone even on that qualifier. Learning to separate my core sense of self from what happened to me has given ground to stop apologizing for me, how I cope, how I push forward through life, and how I carry myself. However, I am still responsible for how I react and if I have to bow out of plans that were already made. I acknowledge the problem and apologize. Rarely do people get upset over it, but then it’s rare that I miss plans. Still working on how I react, but…I’m getting better. - Instead of investing active energy into people who are unavailable, I am save my energy for when they are.
I have several friends who are so busy that they’re hard to catch up with. I also have several acquaintances who I share a level of awareness with that if either of us disappeared for awhile, we’d both notice. I make sure to drop my footprint in their field of vision to let them know I’m here, even if they’re too busy to really talk, but I don’t get upset when they don’t reply. I used to take it personally — from friends and acquaintances alike. Though that part came from a triggering event last November, it was still a pervasive issue and toppled into relapse that took six months to get out of. Again, talk therapy and coaching were the two most important tools that I was able to use to ground my value back in my own space and not in whether or not I had a reply.
Interests
- My interests and tastes are changing almost daily.
I have noticed this the most in what music I listen to. One week, it was progressive djent mental. The first day of the next week, it was lofi trap (let’s be honest, lofi trap is always good). The next? Dubstep. The next? DnB. After that? KPop. Then Hip Hop. Then Jazz Fusion, and that’s where it seems to be sitting. Jazz Fusion can encompass echoes of jungle, dnb, lo fi trap, and the like. But this extends beyond music. One day, I’ll be a huge fan of fantasy, then sci-fi, then cheesy detective shows, then the MCU, Star Wars, LOTR (LOTR stuck). But tomorrow, I might be into something else. I am entirely unpredictable when it comes to interests. - I’m playing games more slowly – taking time to read books, listen to the conversations, and just sitting in the ambience.
This drives my friends NUTS. So I’ve begun setting aside time for playing with them and time for playing alone. I’m noting this change because I used to play with urgency because I was dealing with the past trauma of having my phone and internet turned off for three months (I lived under complete control of another person and they got mad at something I didn’t do and this was punishment) and losing contact with all of my friends, so I played with such a level of urgency that I never had time to slow down and enjoy the books, the lore, the scenery, the biomes, the other characters, even the conversations between the ones that have no significance to the overall story. The ability to simply enjoy a game and really soak every part of it in is one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had. - I’ve accepted that my favorite color is blue.
I used to be in denial. And this may seem mundane, but allow me to explain. I’ve had a wardrobe that was mostly blue for my whole life. But I always denied that blue was my favorite color. I think that denial was because I was fearful that if someone found out I liked it, they’d do something to mess it up or make me feel bad for it, because this is what happened with quite literally everything I ever took pleasure in when I was growing up and well into my adulthood. Superhero comic books were too revealing. Football was a man’s sport. Hockey was too violent. Drums were too loud. Karate was too violent. Video games were demonic. Black was also evil. Nothing was okay. I learned to be a yes man and never argue with people or display anything that strayed from whatever they wanted. So yes. Blue is my favorite color, and I am declaring that here. - I’m still not settled on favorites that most people have locked in.
I see a lot of people online completely locked in to their favorite fandoms or games or books or shows, and I’m sitting here with my 5,000 interests and waiting for one to grab me by the neck, jump down my throat, and burrow itself in my heart and soul. So far, I’ve had no luck. I wonder if this is FOMO that causes me to want a taste of all the things instead of hyperfocusing on one or two items.
I also know that I’m more physical, mental, emotional, and action oriented, and I prefer to spend time focusing on how people tick, how to improve one’s self, how to write compelling conversations, how to create narratives for games, how to get the best results in the gym and with which supplements, what the optimal nutritional intake is, the best habits to adopt, etc. So perhaps it’s not that my favorites aren’t locked in, but that I’m interested in all the fictions but my focus is best life and not best entertainment, if that makes sense.
Mental State
- I make a point to show up for myself, even when I don’t think it’s worth the effort.
There were countless times in the last year that I’d give up before lunch. One thing would go wrong, and I would throw my hands up and walk away from any attempt to correct course simply because I felt I had no reason to. The aftereffects of being isolated for so long compounded how alone I felt in these situations, and I didn’t really know who to ask or how to reach out for help. In therapy with my coach, I learned how to stand up for myself first. I go to sleep with myself. I wake up with myself. Nobody does that with me. I look myself in the mirror, people can’t do that for me. I lived my life, nobody lived it with me or took over when I was sick. It was all me. Translating that into an empowering mantra helped set the tone for getting back up when I felt like I let myself down. “They want you to stay down.” Because they did. You don’t get CTSD/CPTSD from being hurt. You get it because people *actively wanted* to hurt you, and they did it over and over and over again. So when I found myself in a downed state, I would simply say to myself, “They want me to stay down.” I would get back up so fast that lightning was jealous of my speed. Was I instantly in a great mood or locked in or focused? Hell no. But I was up again and back on the right track. - I often find myself unable to process thoughts into verbal communication.
This is an internalized sensory issue most likely stemming from the fact that I am thinking a lot and am quite overwhelmed with everything. And that’s fine. With a 155 IQ and being neurodivergent, being verbally incapacitated isn’t exactly abnormal, but having it happen often is a little different. I’ve been in voice chats where I sound like I’m slurring or I can’t finish a sentence, and it’s simply because I have 300 things going on in my mind and am incapable of focusing on the current topic. It really heckin’ sucks, though. - I am thinking a lot, and taking more time to write it down than talk about it, due to the issue with speaking.
If my posts are long, you should see my written journal. I’m really happy, though, that I am in a place in my life where I can think things out, even if it takes some deep dives down forbidden rabbit holes and temporary losses of speech. My pen still works, as does my keyboard, so it’s all good. - I’m not as nice as I used to be, but I’ve not lost my kindness.
At least, this is what people tell me. Especially when it involves standing up for myself, for friends, for things I’m beginning to come out about defending. it blows people away when I remind them that Jesus wasn’t nice. He was kind, and he was honest. I abhor untruths and I’ve been told that my greatest flaw is that I am too honest. Now that I’m actively standing up for truth and no longer omitting it for fear of being hurt, I’m being told I am not nice. I’ll be not nice then. Not my problem if another person can’t accept facts. I’ll still hold the door for them when they leave, though. (Not the doors of opportunity, mind you, I hold those for friends, cohorts, and acquaintances, and even help with their presentations.) - I treat everyone like they have ulterior motives.
Boy do I ever. If you haven’t really shown yourself, you’re automatically on my watch list. I’m chill around new folks, but I rarely, if ever, extend myself, now. Every time I do, I get burned, and the more it happens, the less I’m inclined to just let people in my personal space.
Things I’ve Stopped
21. I’ve stopped forcing myself to do things that I don’t want to do.
22. I’ve stopped seeking new people to fill old voids.
23. I’ve stopped blaming myself for other peoples’ behavior.
24. I’ve stopped accepting “mid.”
25. I’ve stopped spending energy on things that “might” be of use later.