(don’t get excited, I’m not naming every blog post from here on out after the day that I am posting it, I’m in the middle of some…calibrations…also, I’m not a doctor nor am I any sort of accredited psychologist or counselor, but I was born and raised in a traumatic environment, so I have some insight on what helps. I am sharing from my own perspective and hopefully in a manner that even I can refer to it in the future when I need it).
There is a window of opportunity between an event that causes re-traumatization and the moment that emotional destabilization occurs. This is your WOO. In layman’s terms, something happens that triggers post-traumatic stress, and you have a bit of time before the stress destabilizes you. This is the window of opportunity, or WOO. The WOO is your chance to practice detachment from the event through practical self-awareness and also to self-soothe. Am I good at this? No. Am I getting better? Absolutely. With practice, I’m starting to automatically do what I am learning works best for me.
Self Awareness and Post-Traumatic Stress
Self Awareness is a double-edged sword for me. On one side, I know who I am. I have my own likes, I have a unique perspective on things, and I also have an eclectic list of interests. I know what I am good at, and I know what I appreciate in others. I’m also rather confident in those rare moments where my past isn’t trying to make suggestions about my present.
On the other side, I know that people belittle my life experience, that I’ve been called weird for having the likes and preferences that I do, I’ve been trafficked because I was “pretty,” I’ve been literally beaten up for not fitting into a mainstream mold, or because someone else had a bad day at work. My creative outlets were criticized. I’ve also been forced out of the public eye at large for reasons I still don’t understand, aside from being told I was an embarrassment, that I was disgusting, filthy, not good enough, made them look bad. In other words, from a very young age, my self-awareness was developed with a sense of over-responsibility for the opinions and feelings of others.
Finding the WOO
There’s a level of anxiety, now, that comes up when I do something as simple as make a decision to watch a movie or tv show. What if someone else doesn’t like it? As if someone else has that power over me while I am alone in my house trying to relax. The question may sound harmless, but when threats against my wellbeing were historically commonplace and from different people who should have been safe, the question isn’t actually about whether someone else likes it, it’s about whether or not I will be safe watching it.
It is seemingly mundane moments like this that initiate re-traumatization and can lead to destabilization if I am not able to self-soothe.
Let’s slightly segue for a minute. Where the majority of the past year was spent rediscovering who I am away from active and often violent trauma, it was also learning how desperate I was to find someone who was safe. It is innate for us to seek safety and consistency in others whom we want to have close to us, but it is paramount to be that way with ourselves first. We only attract what we are comfortable with within ourselves. If we are emotionally unavailable to ourselves, we will seek out people who are emotionally unavailable themselves – and it’s not always because they don’t like you. It’s because you’re picking what you’re comfortable with.
Holy hell what a discovery that has been.
It’s the same reason that I started to notice over time that certain habits and preferences I’d formed weren’t actually things I liked to do or enjoyed. It was because those were the safest options during the time of my forming them.
As you may have discerned, now that I am fully on my own and learning to maximize my self-sufficiency, questions like “what if someone else doesn’t like it?” come up a lot. This question can be the harbinger of re-traumatization every time it comes up. (in other words, I trigger myself and don’t need anyone else to do it for me — I’m that self-sufficient, thank you.) So I have plenty of opportunities — plenty of WOOs — to practice self-soothing techniques in order to master my new environment and new sense of self.
After reframing my understanding of alcohol as a coping mechanism back in April, I was constantly retraumatized, since I didn’t know what I was actually looking for. I drank alcohol because I felt unsafe in those moments. What I did when I drank alcohol made me feel unsafe afterward. But I didn’t understand what was making me feel unsafe until I removed the faux band-aid that alcohol provided. Trauma can be named (abandonment is my main issue), but if I can’t zoom in and see where it’s coming from, then there’s no point to the recovery attempts that I am making.
Learning that seemingly innocuous questions like “what if somebody doesn’t like this?” was my mind’s way of alerting me to a potentially unsafe situation. Once I got that down, I’ve slowly begun the art of self-soothing without the need to reach out or seek safety and approval from others.
Self Soothing Techniques that Worked for Me
Pro-tip: I do these during the day, even when I don’t feel like I need to. It feels good, and it also helps me stay grounded in my own root.
- The head tilt. When the question comes up, I tilt my head slightly up and to the left as far as it will go, as if looking at someone just behind me on that side. I then close my eyes, take several deep breaths, and let them out very slowly. This brings a sense of calm and a sort of relaxed feeling. From what I understand, the reason this is effective is because it squeezes the jugular vein, slowing blood flow to your brain, while also relaxing the vagus nerve on that side and extending the vagus on the right, activating the parasympathetic nervous system. This helps to calm any forming tension in my head and face, and has also occasionally stifle a migraine that was forming. Aside from science, it also reminds me to stretch my neck and roll it around a bit, which also feels nice.
- Sticking my face in a bowl of water. This one blew me away. When I feel anxious in an uncontrollable way, I simply fill a bowl with cold water (sometimes adding ice) and stick my face in it for about a minute. When the time is up, I just feel really calm. I have not done research on this, but apparently there’s a lot of nerves in our face, and the cold sends a message to the brain to stop working so hard.
- Huff-Puffs. Take in a very deep belly breath — do it slowly — and let it out in huffs spread out across one second intervals. The trick is to try to only use your mouth muscles and not your diaphragm to control the huffs. While the diaphragm is indeed doing the work, you are utilizing your mouth to do the actual huffs. This is a grounding technique for me, and again, not sure why it works, other than it tells the subconscious self that I am in control of my current situation at a basal level.
- Blow Your Mind: This is a favorite. Light some incense, put out the fire as one does, and focus on the glowing end, redirecting your thoughts to something that isn’t around the question of safety. As you focus on it, think about things you can actively do quickly — things that are within your control. Envision those things after they are completed. Example: an activity like washing dishes. Focus on the glowing incense and think about the sink being empty and shiny. Think about the trash can having a fresh liner because you just took the full liner to the bin outside. Think about your car being washed. Think about eating the victory banana after your gym workout is complete. But think about things being done. After the incense goes out, pick a one of those things and do it. It works for me because it kind of forces a timeout, smells good, makes the house smell good, and I also get something done with a freshly grounded mindset.
- Extremely Loud Music. Everyone’s like “oh, listen to calm music. Listen to ambient instrumentals or easy piano or light bossa nova or chillhop.” Ok for some reason, while those genres stimulate my writing, they do not at all calm me down. However, deathcore, progressive metal, and anything with a djent guitar do calm me down. So I have great headphones and I just blast it. My favorites, lately, are Architects, Periphery, Veil of Maya, Vola, and Monuments, among others. Why this works for me? When you are automatically hypervigilant and constantly trying to reassure yourself that mundane things are safe, it’s better to drown it out. Djent is even better, because there’s a very clean and specific rhythm in comparison to pure shredding.
- Covering my eyes. Especially my left eye. Again, no idea why this works, but it does. Well…I might know – the left eye is the emotional link. You see true emotion in the left eye before the right eye, and you also take in other folks’ expressions and understanding of you via the left eye. Covering it kind of dulls the emotional reception of what’s going on around you. (pro tip – when making eye contact, lead in with your left eye. Look at the other person’s left eye for this reason.)
Those are but a few things that help me out when I’m feeling like I’m about to get abandoned or beaten up over mundane decisions like taking a shower in the morning, catching up on Lord of the Rings shows and movies or going back over a Mel Robbins podcast or going to sleep earlier in the evening when I want to. These are seemingly mundane tasks, but for me, it’s a battle to reclaim what is rightfully mine: my self. I hope these tips can be helpful if you get stressed out and need that WOO to calm down.