I got an email this morning with two really good questions about one of my recent posts. A friend who has been keeping up since last year asked me why I didn’t include things like going to the gym, singing, going on long walks, and playing video games to my list of self soothing techniques. He also asked why metal music is better for me in moments of high anxiety and panic than actual calming music. Excellent questions, and there is indeed a reason behind it!
The tl;dr is that metal music regulates my physical system quickly, and video games, singing, walking, and going to the gym are cathartic, not self-soothing. Here’s the long answer:
Where breathing techniques, closing emotional gates, and listening to metal are self-soothing, they are also instant relief. In a state of hypervigilance (as I’ve basically been in my whole life, even when relaxed), when I panic, or when I start reaching without realizing it, these can actually help me center myself in a matter of minutes.
Catharsis
Cathartic activities help you express pent-up emotions or stress. They’re activities that help you relax, release, find relief after a long day at work or a busy day in general, or even things you’ve held onto that you don’t know how to let go of.
Cathartic activities are things you can do to “dump” it all out. Let me share an example of a negative version of this to explain why positive forms work better: as so many people know, I used to binge drink to self soothe, but that would lead to a cathartic dumping onto certain people’s socials, over the phone, and in friend’s DMs (as the friend who asked this question knows all too well). I was not actively present for these events, as binging blacks me out, and it was not at all a healthy catharsis for anyone involved. When my coach explained this to me, it helped me forgive myself, because at the time, this was what I knew worked, even if it caused more harm than good. While I was making a choice to do it, it was also the lesser of the two emotional options that I had.
Once I learned how to take everything to the gym with me, or actually beat a boss with the same fear, shame, and frustration in my head as I did when I binged, I began to lose interest in alcohol overall, because alcohol hurt. Not just emotionally, but physically. It was putting down hot coals in favor of something that hurt differently. Healthy cathartic activity transitioned the need for a different kind of pain to a healthy and progressively better release over time, if that makes sense.
Catharsis and Gaming
There are a few video games that actually put me in a place where I feel fearful, I feel discouraged. I feel like I am about to be harmed. In those environments, I normally don’t have the ability to ask for help (think quest areas, solo zones, etc), so I am forced to rely on myself to do the work. In Return to Moria, for example, the catharsis happens when I carry those emotions through dark mines where you can’t see twenty feet in front of you, you hear rocks falling in the distance, you hear breathinig, you hear goblins talking, you hear the screech of a drake, and it’s just you, your pickaxe, and your weapon(s) of choice.
My coach had me practice putting the same emotions that lead me to binge drinking into these moments (which was a lot easier than I expected, as they were in fact, the same emotions), I could hold my feelings until I had time to play, and then go ham with them. Suddenly, facing the source of the emotions (goblins, orcs, and drakes, oh my) became the blackout, the battle with the enemies was the dump, and the feeling from making the area slightly safer by mitigating them was the relief – or the catharsis.
(unrelated – I do believe there is also a bit of shadow work at play in games like Return to Moria, as you’re literally facing the stuff that isn’t readily apparent, if it’s even there at all)
Games I Love that Aren’t Organically Cathartic
Just in case anyone was wondering – games like Baldur’s Gate 3 and Dragon Age don’t work for me, due to their overarching social dynamics. I’ve killed companions I adored because I said the wrong thing, thinking it was the correct thing to say, which feels mortifying to say the least. In a structured environment, I am fine. But in a free-will social setting, I am dog shite. I do love the games, they’re just not as cathartic due to the social dynamics.
HOWEVER – when I have the playthrough lists and play off of those, I can get catharsis from them. I just require that crutch in order to not kill people I love. This is why I say they’re not organically cathartic. I need outside help to get to that state.
OH! I can use the Mass Effect Trilogy for how structured environments work vs free-will states. In my first playthrough of the trilogy, I played nightmare mode, finished 95% paragon, and romanced Samantha Traynor. I didn’t even flinch romantically until 3, and the dynamic with Traynor was less romantic and more soothing. There was humor, a lot of it, innuendo that equally humorous and wasn’t egregious, and I as Marley (my Shepard) felt relaxed and safe around her. There was less “can I get a…” and more “just checking in, how are you holding up?” It was structured. I need to replay that soon…
Catharsis in the Gym
The gym is a little bit different. On my best gym days (which are becoming more frequent), I have a preparation ritual before I go that puts me in a mindset of pure focus. Being that I still have a good bit of ever-present anxiety and hypervigilance, I actually use self-soothing on the drive there to calm me down and fine-tune my focus even more. Once there, I put everything I have into the next rep, and the next, and the next. Self-soothe between sets, and repeat until I am done. When I am done, I push myself a little bit more, because my goal is to be completely physically worn out. Not overworked, mind you, just exhausted. The catharsis comes when I eat my victory banana on the way home. I’ve put in the work, I wore myself out, and I am having that keto-unfriendly delicacy on the way to a quick cool shower at home.
How this compares to alcohol is that it doesn’t. It directly combats what alcohol does. Instead of blacking out to get away from myself, I am directing all focus into myself, if that makes sense. I am not giving myself ground to lose control of my thoughts and emotions, I am not making room to reach out. I am forcing myself to be in a situation where I must completely rely and depend on myself to get a task done. The dump is when I am actively doing those things. Sure, I have trainers, but they aren’t raising the bars for me, they’re simply making sure I do it right. The catharsis is the satisfaction of getting that workout in 100%.
Self-Soothing
Upon events that trigger a WOO, if I am starting to need to look for people to soothe me, or if I am seriously thinking about alcohol (events my coach and I have dubbed reaching), I’ve begun building trust with myself by actually practicing breathing techniques, closing emotional gates (covering an eye, tilting my head to the side, etc), and doing things that raise my physical self up to match the emotionally/mentally elevated emotions. These are near instant regulations, not events that put me in scenarios that match how I’m feeling in the present moment, which is the main difference between catharsis and self-soothing.
Metal vs Easier Music
The reason easier music doesn’t work for me is due to my high state of hypervigilance and anxiety. If I am keyed up and in a WOO, listening to Dave Brubeck or John Coltrane isn’t going to help me calm down at all. If anything, those glorious musicians are going to make it worse, because it further contrasts my physical state from my mental state. Metal music (In Flames, Architects, etc) raises my heart rate to match the elevated hyperactivity in my brain, and from there, I can bring myself down to a more manageable level.
It’s like…when you have ADHD (hey fam, it’s me!), you drink coffee, and it calms you down or even helps you take a nap. It raises your heart rate, your physical self, to a level that matches your mental activity, thus regulating it.
Now…after I get myself to a regulated state, please do bring me the good jazz and chillhop, or even musicals I love, because that helps keep me there. It’s why if anyone watches my Spotify activity, they will see me blast Inhale Exhale, Sevendust, and Chimaira, then suddenly whiplash to HER, Ethel Merman, Samwise, Nujabes, and Cosmic Collective.
I hope this answered the question thoroughly!