I have to stay in bed until my desired wake-up time for my shift, since this is my mostly permanent shift schedule, now. Which means I’m in bed for four more hours. My house is not as clean as I’d like it to be, and it sucks. It’s not overwhelming, but I like walking into something that looks like it could be featured in Apartment Therapy, and this is not it. I’ll get to it in due time.
Yesterday, I opened up to a friendo about some serious frustrations and worries, and I really am noticing a difference in how I am handling my trauma responses. I’m now able to compare what trauma brain thinks to what rational brain thinks. This is something that my coach and I have been working on. When I texted her today and told her about it, she was elated.
We talked about the trigger point (feelings of inadequacy around something I am excited about), my initial thought (being worried that I won’t be welcome in the community), and my two minds about it (trauma brain feeling like the fan would be right, and rational brain feeling like the host would have blocked me if I was unwelcome).
We broke down how I used to react to this sequence in the past: trigger point would lead to feelings of inadequacy, and then it would bring the worry about being unwelcome. At this stage, I’d normally let it snowball into serious negative self-talk, and I’d find a negative coping mechanism which would make things worse. But this time, I articulated the trauma-based thoughts and compared them to my rational thoughts.
And though I did have to sit with the sting for a little while, it actually helped me get to a place of stepping back and allowing rational self to win. I even nurtured myself with a warm shower and took myself out for some naan and hummus while sitting with it, which also helped me feel better (warm naan and fresh hummus is the best). After that, I posted a selfie while in my thoughts, and it helped me convey them in an honest but artful way that also honored me at my core self.
So…recovery is still messy…but I think that was great.
Another thing I am seeing in myself is that I’m comparing my current self to my future self. And that’s not really fair.
I’ve surrounded myself with people who I want to emulate, or who have traits or aspects about their lives that I would like to have or have had in the past. Like…there’s a guy I hang out with a LOT irl, and his eating habits are insane. When I say he is disciplined, I mean he’s a machine about things. It blows my mind. I used to be that way. Then there’s another person who is so well-read (specifically classical literature) that her conversations are the most fluid I’ve ever been a part of. Then another friend is one of the most selfless people I know, and his secret is that in order to be selfless, you must first be selfish. This is almost a direct reflection of radical self-care — the way he explains it is that you can’t be authentically present for others if you have a trashy internal house. And if you try to be anyway, then you’re actually in it for your own reasons and motives. So you have to mind your own messes first before being mindful of others. And this means taking all the time you need without feeling guilty about it. Mind blown.
This relates to my present because I’ve spent a lot of time sitting in my own messes while trying to be present for others. I’ve also not been reading much, which reading used to be a major escape, and I’m also still lacking that discipline that I used to have. And I think this is the core reason why I feel invisible all the time — I’m spending too much time minding others and seeking the validation (that I would get from having these traits myself) from them. This may sound like a setback (I don’t think it does), but I think these are new doors opening to understanding how I tick as the trauma brain starts to split and become more obvious and manageable.
I also noticed that my snark is coming back, and this is a major callback to when I was a confident little shit back in my early 20s. I’ve gotten to where I just fire it off and don’t think about it. I think it’s a sign that my core self is starting to resurface, and…well, I think I’m a lot different than the timid, fearful, reassurance-seeking, people-pleasing mess that I’ve been for the last decade or so. It’s kinda nice.
The less I worry about what others think of me, the happier I become, and the more I seem to be myself without a second thought or pause. So if I get told to shut up, I’ll always reply with a very audible “okay.” Ten in the box for game misconduct? Great, let me grab a book.
Speaking of what others think about me — I did tell Sam that I appreciated their boundaries, because mine have been dog shit, and as much reverence and fear as I’ve felt around them in my condition, having theirs so well built has helped me start forming my own. I wanted them to know that I appreciated it, because I know I’ve been messy. And they’ve had many opportunities to just block me. And they didn’t.
On top of that, them having firm boundaries has also helped me find where the relationship we have is off balance. It’s neither parasocial, nor is it entirely from abandonment — the abandonment is a whole ‘nother layer, which feels para sometimes — but the balance issue is from their opinion of me being a LOT more important than it should be.
I definitely hold them in a higher regard, but that shouldn’t come with being subservient to their opinion. I also think it’s why I try to show them a lot of love – because I don’t get to see them put in all the work, but I know it’s a lot, and then having a vocal fan like myself with all the shit I have going on…it has to be a lot. I only get to see the result, and I they’re doing amazing work. Like…I’m really proud of them.
I miss how things were before everything happened. Before the trauma was triggered. I miss the back and forths, the playful picking, the place where I felt like I didn’t have to perform, when I was confident, even if a little shaky. Because the trauma messed all that up. I know that when the dust settles, things will be a lot different, but also a LOT better.
Realizing this about the opinion issue is just another door opening as my rational and trauma minds split. As I separate myself and become more and more of an individual, there’s a lot of worry that the changes will produce negative results. I have a feeling, based on everyone around me, that this isn’t anything to worry about at all. It’s just a part of the process as I continue to grow out of the trauma I’ve been working through.
On a completely unrelated side note – I fucked up the dates on my older blog posts again. I accidentally set everything to pending instead of private. The intention was to go through each post and assign proper categories and tags over the next few weeks…and when you set something to pending, it automatically resets the date. Luckily, I have backups, and it will be an easy repair, but I think I am going to wait to get my laptop back next week before diving in and sorting it all out.
Anyway, as if it needs to be said, I’m going through a ton of changes internally, and while it’s largely good, it’s creating difficulty in settling on some ideas I have for my blog and stuff. So I’m just going to keep writing as I see fit, and let myself express my thoughts as I go.
Take it easy, everyone.