I must apologize to myself for not writing anything, the past few days, aside from my about page. Since this is journal is about recovery, I wanted to document why. I’m presently of low mood, and I’m exhausted despite sleeping seven hours and staying in bed for an extra hour. My list of things that need to be done has grown to a level that feels unmanageable, which I think is why I’m not in a good mood.
Despite the insomnia, I’ve achieved quite a bit, this week! I’ve attended five 12 step meetings, my therapy appointment, my group meeting, I’ve done 30 hours of gig work, helped friends get their trifecta achievements in four different dungeons in ESO, caught a real treat in the vodcast that I dearly love, and I received an official rejection letter from the job that I got my two national customer service awards from! Awesome! haha…it was because I want full time, and they are only hiring for part time.
Meanwhile, a manager at another store told me she’s hiring full time for overnights, and two hardware stores are offering full time for mornings and late evenings. So I’ve beefed up my resume. Speaking highly of myself is a little more difficult when it’s official, but I have a strong feeling that writing more often and learning to self-advocate has been a huge factor in how good it currently looks. I’ve focused on customer service and retail, since, on an hourly level, those are areas in which I thrive.
My house is starting to look like a hurricane went through it, and that’s a major energy drain for me, since I’m a neat freak. “I’ll get it later” has become “oh shit there’s no space on my desk,” or “oh shit, all of my socks are dirty,” for example. One thing I’m acutely aware of is how my environment affects me, and I’m honestly not sure how I can think with all the clutter. And here I am writing about it, instead of taking care of it…noted.
And the big one…I may have established a bit of a connection with a person. Should this be the case, I believe it will be the first time I’ve done so without having a mutual from any of my current circles (that I’m aware of) to fall back on, or dare I say, hide behind. Granted, I literally just met 100+ people in real life. And of those, I’m getting along with literally all of them. Literally. The difference is that those connections were established as a result of being so inspired by said person. That, and I’ve never felt so driven to find success in my recovery because of it. I wish I had the balls to tell them how grateful I am directly. But that requires two things: a place to be able to say that, and the courage to be vulnerable. Direct means vulnerable, and that kind of thing took years for my best friend to get out of me. I just hope the results (even the journey itself) serve as a testament to all that, and they know they were the catalyst. No, they’re not on a pedestal, and no, they’re not my hero (that’s all me, I’m the one doing the work here).
But the whole thing has left me in a pensive state, as I am well aware of parasocial behavior, and am extremely cautious of it, since I too have had to deal with it a couple of times. Nothing like finding out someone knows so much about you (that you didn’t even know about yourself) and that you’re best friends — in a relationship, even, with one of them…ew. It was really bizarre, the relationship one. I should write a fictionalized version of that.
If I am seeing things correctly, then let me say the weather is nice, here. In fact, it’s absolutely charming, and I’d love to stay for awhile. I’m already prepared to sit through a storm or three if they arise.
Anyway…here’s my game plan for the other stuff. Since I can’t sleep at night, I’ve started getting up and doing my morning routine whenever I wake up as if it was a proper schedule, which seems to help with the energy levels and general disgruntled attitude I have about not waking up at 2am like I want (yes, 2am, because Morning Edition and night writing). I’m not going to worry about “fixing” a proper schedule until I actually get one. And now that I’ve done this very thing and written most of this entry (at 9:25pm, showered, freshly caffeinated, fully dressed, and ready to go), I can spend the night getting my house cleaned and working on the eight drafts that have been started. And there’s even a couple of short stories that I plan on sharing, though I am not sure if I’ll share here or on a different site. Probably both.
I’ve made myself quite a nifty checklist of all that I need to do, this weekend, and I’m looking forward to all of the dopamine drops I’m about to get from marking things off! And — I just noticed how merely writing all this down lifted my spirits. Brain clog is real!
Still sober, still inspired…