Yesterday’s post felt so cathartic to write. It’s scary to write things down when I am emotionally charged like that, because as I wrote, I’m not well-acquainted with being angry…or as my coach says, with setting boundaries. Apparently, I’ve been so accustomed to not expressing that emotion that I don’t even know what it is.
I also learned that you can absolutely be angry and still be forgiving or have forgiven folks. You can forgive and still be mad at them about their behavior. Mindblown. Forgiving is creating and opening a door that allows you to walk away with all of your emotions, your energy, and your dignity. You decide whether to close that door behind you. My coach is quite adept at calling things doors, especially when it has to do with emotions. Forgiveness is a door. Gratitude is a door. Grace is a door. Mercy is a door. Love is a door. Fear, guilt, shame, anger, all doors. You have the power to open and close them as you see fit, if you are the one you’ve put in control of them. Because all of the things I listed are in your control, whether “someone else” initiated them or not.
Treating forgiveness like a door is a lot different than the ire-inducing “let it go.” If forgiveness is just letting it go, what are you doing with the weightlessness other than simply being suspended with it? You let someone’s actions go, and now you’re left with a loss. It was a heavy bag, you dropped it (let it go), and now you don’t even have the bag anymore. If it’s a door, then you are choosing whether or not to open it and let things flow out naturally. Choosing to forgive, then, means not letting a thing go and losing a bag, but instead opening the bag and then sorting through and disposing the contents that no longer serve you.
Let it go suggests completely relinquishing control, while opening a door offers the chance to maintain control while removing that which is harmful. Removing and letting go are two different animals. When you are forgiving yourself, you’re not letting yourself go, you’re sorting and disposing parts of yourself that do not serve you. You’re removing, not letting go. As my coach puts it, if you let go of something bad, you’re letting it go back out into the world so that it may come back to you. If you remove or dispose of it (i.e. opening a door and tossing it out), you’re putting it in a place where it doesn’t come back and happen again.
Reframing forgiveness as a door creates an opportunity for personal empowerment. It gives you the power to keep what is good for your while also having the option of sharing that same good with the other party…or not. It’s an open door to the option, not an obligation.