Ever Miss Someone?
Yeah, me too. Sometimes it’s not as obvious as when it feels like someone ripped my version of another’s existence from my soul (because apparently I’ll lose all hope without certain people around). Sometimes it’s just quiet and patient. Like you know they’re out there…somewhere…but you can’t just check in and see how things are going. Or send a meme. Or debate apologetics. Or gripe about relatives. Or get into “FUCK YOU!!” fights over a game of dominoes, then patch up all the salt with a medium meat lover’s pizza and a large Dew. There’s nothing you can do about their absence. Some will never return, as they’ve passed on. Some are overseas with their six month military assignments. Some are just collecting their energy for the year ahead after leaving the remnants of last year behind. But not everything from last year will stay there. I’ve learned some very important things, things I’d never have been able to pick up on if I never took the chances that I did.
Believing in Myself
I discovered that the ability to change one’s life might start with inspiration, but it follows through with belief in yourself and determination to see things through, no matter what life dishes out. In my case, going from feeling like everything was hopeless and that I was doomed to look at the world through a window for the rest of my life to absolutely adoring someone for sharing their story, as it is what pushed me beyond said window. Inspiration alone didn’t get me to where I am now. I had to believe in myself when it felt like nobody else did. I had to push back negative emotions and fears and focus on taking the next right steps, and quickly adjust course when I made mistakes. I had to be determined to take the next right step, because giving up could prove catastrophic.
Believing in myself and being determined to push through obstacles didn’t mean I never cried; quite the contrary, actually. I cried over everything: food, new friends doing good things, new friends doing bad things, free sodas, a crappy job at a crappy place that I swore I’d love, having to quit, a dream job that I swore I’d love, having to quit that, too… I never let myself stuff it down. I also didn’t realize that I was coming down with a serious case of depression (pre-seasonal depression?), but I didn’t hold back. I added a package of tissue to my pocket, and let it go when it needed to. With all the grief I was finally allowed to sort out for a decade-long list of people, I went through a lot of packages of tissue.
Grief Was Always There
Grief was an constant companion this year, especially as I had to let go of people I cared about. It was excruciating, particularly when you’re already cutting ties with those who have hurt you. Growing up with the threat of abandonment or being deliberately isolated, both as a child and as an adult, ingrained in me a fear of losing the people I love. I found myself hanging on to people for dear life, a trait that isn’t understood nor accepted by others. When my rose colored glasses finally came off, I noticed this behavior in myself, again. Fortunately, someone’s absence helped me realize that I would be perfectly fine without them — it wouldn’t kill me after all. I do miss them, but I’m not freaking out. I look forward to their return while enjoying a sense of peace. Like a normal person.
Shiny and Resilient
While my emotional stability has been subpar throughout the year, I was surprised by my mental resilience. I found out how quick-witted and adaptable I can be in the face of various adversities. With every setback or obstacle I faced and conquered, I learned a little bit more about my own strength and capabilities. I didn’t know, for example, that I could verbally tango with someone who was being rude or inconsiderate — with appropriate tact, even. I also didn’t know that I was so good at self-advocating.
After dealing with three jobs that started out great but quickly turned sour due to poor management, outright lies, and taking advantage of my time outside the work schedule on a regular basis, I learned how to ask the right questions and represent myself and my needs before getting hired. There would be a fourth job on that list, but though the interview professed to have the schedule I was looking for, they offered a shift outside of that. I turned them down directly, insisting on a shift in the hours I was available, as initially promised. Apparently, this bait-and-switch tactic is common.
Brutal Honesty
Finally, and most importantly, I learned that in order to get anything done well, I had to be completely honest with myself. This was non-negotiable. After a month in the shelter, it became very apparent that I had become quite adept at candy-coating things for myself, so they wouldn’t hurt so bad. I am sure my history with trauma gave the opening for me to be this way, but I learned very quickly that I had to see things with more logic and practicality.
After several attempts to reassure myself against my own intuition, I realized my intuition was right. I decided to stop covering for others and allow myself to have opinions and judge others more fairly. When the higher-ups at the shelter refused to call me by my chosen name, for example, I stopped responding to the name they used — a name I had never gone by in my life. They had every excuse in the book, but I had every ability to let them know how I felt by simply not responding. Being honest with myself took away a lot of ground for others to walk on me or otherwise take advantage of me.
In Closing
Last year showed me the depth of my emotions and the strength of my resilience in the face of unknowns. It taught me that effective change might begin with inspiration, but nothing changes at all without first believing in myself and being determined to turn that inspiration into reality. I’ve learned to embrace my emotions, from grief to joy, without fear of judgment. I’ve understood the value of letting go and finding peace in a person’s absence. I’ve discovered my mental fortitude, quick wit, and ability to advocate for myself. Most importantly, I’ve learned the power of honesty, especially with myself. Each of these lessons has shaped me into a stronger, more capable person. My self-awareness has become a lot less critical and a lot more reasonable. As I look forward to 2025, I carry these lessons with me, ready for whatever happens next.