I can live for two months on a compliment. -Mark Twain
In a previous post, I talked about how I lamented over not being able to pay a person a compliment and how, from there, I realized I don’t really pay compliments to anyone I have a high regard for due to issues of trust and fear of rejection. I told my therapist about the idea, and she thought it’d be a great, so long as I felt safe in the process of doing so. That stepping out of my comfort zone, especially in this case, would not only help me, it would build the other person up in the process. Having formerly held a leadership role in a government job, I knew this all too well on a structured level. Without standard procedures, however, it was more difficult, as my knowledge of human interaction was highly skewed due to my childhood (whether I want to believe that it affects me or not) and recent events.
She pointed out that compliments are both the cheapest and most valuable form of currency, when it comes to communication. They are free to give out, but the receiver finds something much much more valuable than words — they receive validation, self worth, and accomplishment, something we all love (and I do mean love). She even gave me a book about it, called The Art of the Compliment by Christie Matheson, which even has a section on how to receive the same kind words, something I’m as good at doing as I was at giving them.
I’ve historically been able to throw silly compliments at people for the luls (sic), and get exactly that – a chuckle and an equally silly “thank you!” One time, a coworker was having a really hard day because of a recent break up with her partner. When she told the news at our weekly post-work sushi date (rip Hana Sushi), I gave her a huge hug, then had an idea when I saw her dress code-conforming black shoes with black laces. I gasped dramatically, and exclaiming “oh my god, I love your shoe laces! They match your shoes!” Then I bumped my foot next to hers and said “oh my god, we have matching shoe laces!” She laughed so hard that she stopped crying, and said “I love you! Don’t ever stop being you!” She was at least okay the rest of the day, and I’d like to think just getting her to laugh was part of the reason. So maybe when used properly, even silly compliments go a long way.
But the actual compliments…
Over the last two weeks, any time I was around someone I had high regard for (in person or online – mostly in person), I noticed something that I wanted to point out and speak positively of. I refrained, initially, due to fear of rejection or lack of comfort or trust with the individual, but said it anyway after the hesitation. The initial thought was not forced, but early on, saying that thought out loud was. Of the 47 compliments that I wrote down (there were two dozen more, I’m certain of it), all but twelve were well received: ten were dismissed, and two received negative feedback.
The two that received negative feedback were both on political grounds, where, with one, I witnessed a tense conversation about gender expression, and I complimented the person on how they maintained their view that people can do what they please so long as they aren’t hurting others. I learned, after I said that, that the person who I complimented thinks the complete opposite of what they said. Since they don’t know I’m trans, I amicably left and won’t be around that person again. The second one was a similar case, but with one of the wars going on in the world.
The dismissed compliments were for a few friends who are having a shite time with what life’s giving them, right now. I won’t detail those, but I can understand why they were unable to receive what I said at the time. I can’t let people hurt like that, so I found other ways to at least make them less burdened or sad. One involved pizza, so that was a mutually beneficial occurrence. The other involved helping move a two bedroom apartment from one part of town to the other (just strapped the entire building to my car and — I jest.)
The well-received compliments ranged anywhere from “did you buy those shoes specifically for that dress? They look like they were made for each other!” to “I honestly don’t know how I’d have made it this far, lately, without you being there for me.” I even complimented the person I hesitated to the other day without even realizing it! All of them were reflected back with gratitude or an equally awesome compliment, or both! Several sought me out again for my opinion on the action, value, or thing that I complimented them on. The most well-received compliments were ones that came out of left field from me. I see a value of yours that I appreciate, and you know what, I have an experience that makes me want to say it out loud. You’d think I bought the people a brand new house when that happened.
The more I did it, the more comfortable I got with the next, and the next, and the next. It’s not like I was standing on the street corner rapid firing them like bills from a money gun or anything, but when I noticed something I valued about a person, or appreciated about their own values or something they were involved in, I just said it with less and less apprehension. By increasing the value of others, I was subconsciously increasing value in myself.
What I noticed happened from the compliments I gave (with examples) :
Encouraged positive gameplay and leadership, and boosting confidence. I told a teammate who hadn’t done a certain dungeon that their blocking was spot on, and to rely on that for a mechanic they kept dying to. While this was instructional, it was also highlighting their ability to thwart attacks that would kill them with one blow. They thanked me, understood and repeated what I told them, and we finished the fight. We got an accidental trifecta on the next run through the place. (Trifecta = no death, speed run, all hard modes.)
Strengthening Relationships. One of my sisters is quite an adept seamstress and cosplay costume designer. She was worried about a dress she’s working on for a person, and when she sent me pictures of the project, I was genuinely impressed. It took a bit to find the words as I marveled at how far she’s come with it, as last time I saw the endeavour, it wasn’t in its current state. I finally found what I wanted to say and she was lit over it. We had a few other conversations like this, and we seem to be more casual with each other about things that are on our minds.
Made someone feel a hell of a lot better/leveling up communication. I remembered the shoelaces incident, and did something similar with someone who was a hot mess after getting chewed out by a customer at their job, and I made them laugh (after telling their manager what I saw). But then I went into leadership mode, myself, and told them how well they handled the situation, and that they did nothing wrong, even went by the book, almost to a tee, and that the ad lib was necessary due to the customer’s increasing levels of agitation. Their manager (former coworker of mine) agreed with me vocally, and let her know she was very impressed, then asked me if I was interested in a Team Lead position they had open. I told them I’d think about it! (As of right this minute, I am in the running for that position). But being where I was and open and positive about what I saw and how I felt about the situation opened the floor for their manager to step in and speak up for/to them..
Those were just three examples, but they highlight results I noticed from paying compliments…yes, I know two were semi-structured, but I feel like the conversations would have been completely different, or even gone south, had I not spoke up about what I thought in regards to what person was doing.
At the end of the day, each person knows I cared enough to say something. And now that thing has become a source of validation, even a value in itself, for them and whatever it is that drew the compliment out of me.
I also felt like I was better able to communicate through positive reinforcement and feedback when I wasn’t apprehensive about it. Doing this with people I have a high regard for also helped me feel more confident when speaking with people I didn’t know that well — even up to the point where what I was saying to them had more value as I said it.
I’m really glad I challenged myself to do this.