tl;dr for my last week’s worth of posts: I started a series of notes to myself, finished the compliment challenge, started working out with a trainer, hit 300lb on my first squats in forever, realized I am in love (with an irl friend — don’t get excited, online fam), possibly got a really good job, subsequently did not get said job (just found this out last night), and gained then lost my sleep schedule…again…is Overthinkers Anonymous a thing? I’m also writing a lot more because I have so much to process, and even though it’s to me, it reads super choppy, in my opinion, and I’m a bit self conscious about it. That means I really do need to categorize and compartmentalize better. All things considered, I’m really happy to be in this spot in my life.
Anyway…
While Monday marks 4 weeks since I first picked up that white key fob, Wednesday will officially be 1 month, and the white will have a green fob added to it. No fronts, please, but I’m so proud of myself — 30 days is a long time — but also not that long in the grand scheme of things. It’s all a bunch of ODAATs in the end (one day at a time). This has me thinking about those who’ve been there for me — no matter the capacity — and I wanted to write something for them, even though not all of them will see it. So I did. And I’ll post all four on the 22nd. For the ones who won’t see this blog, I will share at my meetings this week, and they’ll know it then. For today, I wanted to write about what everyone on that list has in common: they are people who persevere.
There’s a saying in Tibet that goes something like, “engaging the practice of virtue is as hard as driving a donkey uphill, where engaging in destructive activities is as easy as rolling boulders down.” I believe somewhere in that same vicinity was a saying about how negative impulses come up as easily as rain and flow like water.
I’m the kind of person to lean into those impulses while knowing I shouldn’t. My biggest fight, lately, is being frustrated when I’m overwhelmed. I know I shouldn’t spend time feeling that way, but it’s so easy to want to throw my hands up and go to the liquor store and look at the alcohol. Not that I’m going to buy it, but neither did the kid want to spend their shiny new nickel on candy when they walked into the candy shop.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to the liquor store, it’s just an analogy. But it highlights the importance of avoiding the dark habit of putting things off and wasting time doing menial things out of avoidance instead. It’s so important to stay the course of whatever it is I’m aiming for instead of backing down because it’s too difficult to take on. I’ll acknowledge and find away to work through the frustration, but I won’t stop because it’s too much to handle.
I’m also a highly sensitive person. While yes, I do try to keep it positive in public, in case this blog didn’t show it, I’m an empath, and seeing all of the anger and suffering lately wears me down. I don’t avoid it because it’s convenient, I avoid it because it hurts. And what makes it difficult is that there’s nothing I can do about it directly. I can donate to places, but that’s about it. Instead of having pity for those who are in the middle of these hells, I’ve tried to turn it into compassion on the local level, and I make sure I can be a person to give my time to those around me, be it for an ear, a bite to eat, or an entire night because someone is alone and terrified that they’ll “go back out” and use or drink again. If I can’t do one thing there, then I can do one thing here.
I’m also mindful that inaction is a negative action. To me, it’s not so much a sign of laziness as it is a lack of compassion. To do nothing is, in my opinion, the greatest evil. It’s like the quote, “the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.” I don’t really have the capacity to hate, but I never want to be indifferent.
These are things I already do for the most part, but having people in my life who actively do the same in their lives motivates me to get my ass back to the summit when I start to go downhill with those boulders.