I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO WRITE THIS SINCE I MOVED. And I have a lot to cover in a single post, so bear with me. I’ll probably edit in some things that I missed and/or forgot about throughout the week.
To catch up, I was first inspired to get better after hearing Samantha Beart share their story on It’s Complicated, a podcast hosted by Dr. J and Josephine Baird. It wasn’t a story of recovery or anything like what I’m doing, but how they learned who they were, and how they’ve come to help others from their influence and reach as an actor. The quote that shook me into action was (from memory): “You’ve already done the work. You’re okay. You are in an oppressive environment. It’s your environment, it’s not you. Find your people if you can.”
At this point, I hadn’t really had the opportunity to consciously get to experience Sam as an actor. My exposure to their professional work up to that point was a few scenes in Baldur’s Gate 3, which led me to curiously find some interviews. “Kick ass acting, but are they cool?” Hell yeah, they are, as the aforementioned podcast (among others) revealed. (note: unbeknownst to me at the time, I’d heard Sam’s work in many of my favorite audio dramas, which was up there with Mass Effect and Dragon Age, and Elder Scrolls as means of escape during the past ten years.)
But desire vs action weren’t happening. I was afraid of hearing “no” (common occurrence when I ask for help) or even being shunned for being trans (also common occurrence). I eventually had to be desperate enough to get help, and that took a near-fatal binge, leading to this post on April 22.
Fifty days later, I was shaky, but I thought I had the whole sobriety thing in the bag. Unfortunately, pink clouds don’t last very long, especially when you have immediate influences actively working against you. In my case, two of my most influential people in real life began to shift goal posts, gas light me, and make it nearly impossible to focus on my recovery, which is their calling card in a long history of emotional and financial abuse toward me. It got so bad that I was avoiding phone calls because of the things they were saying. I relapsed again, and was so angry about it that I gave up on my recovery on August 9th. On the 10th, I remembered that I promised Sam in a tweet that I wouldn’t do again what I’d just done.
For someone like me, who values integrity and doesn’t make promises lightly, it was crushing. I let two people, who’d run my life into the dirt for the past 12 years, push me so hard again that I broke a promise. At this point, it had nothing to do with being inspired, anymore. It had to do with saving myself, with saving my life. There was no way I was going to be beneficial to anybody if I stayed where I was, under these people’s toxic, controlling, and manipulative thumbs (have questions? I’ve a whole blog here that readers can catch up on – start with this one on August 10).
I had a come-to-Jesus meeting with myself, and over coffee, I looked at the words on my mug: RADICAL SELF-CARE — but I’m trying! Then it hit me. What if, in my case, radical self-care isn’t just being kind to yourself? What if it’s going to any lengths necessary to achieve better results? I didn’t just reestablish, I turned my whole life upside down to get myself on the right track. And the words from one of the two that I left behind reinforced the fact that I needed to do this a very long time ago. Words not just texted to me since I moved, but spoken to my sister over the phone as well.
What did I do? I packed what I needed and moved to a shelter. As the words from the one piled up via text messages: words filled with threats, gas lighting, name calling, and the like (which I never responded to), I shrunk further and further back. I went from feeling really bad for leaving them to feeling justified by them for leaving. It got so bad that I changed my phone number. The last thing either of them will ever say to me is “YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!!!”
I moved in, and my roommate is the coolest roommate I could ever ask for. Thank heavens. Getting a good roommate in places like this is rare, and we both feel like we struck gold. We go to the 8pm meeting every day (every single day) and a couple of others that are weekly (like the bonfire meeting). Our gang of friends is numbering in the 20s now, and from this group, there’s probably a circle of influence that numbers around 200 people. All of us are in sincere about and active in recovery, both for ourselves and for each other. A huge lot of us are LGBTQ+; if not, then staunch allies.
Not only that, but I managed to rebuild a relationship with my step-family, loving people who the other two isolated me from (or tried to), and spoke so poorly of them that I began to wonder if their words were true for a time. My step father has been instrumental in my ability to stay where I am, and I’ve not seen him so proud in a very long time, especially of me.
I finally landed a job — not just a job, I rekindled a career in customer service/retail. I more than make enough to save a significant amount of it for that future apartment.
Today, exactly 140 days from that morning in April when I woke up to two blazing-red coils on my stove, a broken neck on my guitar, and the worst hangover I’d ever experienced, I finally picked up a red chip signifying one month of sobriety — but this time, it’s not just sobriety. It’s recovery.
So…yeah, I might not be hanging on to that inspiration for dear life as much, anymore, but I’ll be damned if Sam wasn’t 100% correct. If Sam, Josephine, and Dr J ever need a reminder of how much of a positive influence they are, then allow me to reintroduce myself. Hi, I’m Seth, and I’m a grateful recovering alcoholic, and the last 140 days of my life has produced some of the most challenging and positive changes I’ve ever made for myself. Changes I’d never have made if I didn’t take the time to find out what Sam was all about.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get over how sincerely grateful I am for that podcast episode. That gratitude is something I’ll sing about for a very long time.