Lots of thoughts today…
I couldn’t imagine walking in the 100 degree weather we’re having, so I got it done before the sun revealed itself. It was still in the low 80s, even at 4:30am, but I got my goal steps in (7.5k). During the walk, it occurred to me how metaphorical the experience was. For the majority of the walk, I managed to keep a clear head, which made it super sweet and refreshing in addition to being a good sweat session.
Before that, I made my daily macro meal. I prefer simple, clean, and unprocessed foods, and the past few days have been the exact same thing: 1lb chicken breasts, 6 large eggs, and 1lb of frozen chopped spinach. With my supplements and a mid-day snack that’s basically a can of cardboard tuna, I’m good on my macros. I get all of my carbs with my coffee (a grand excuse to continue using creamer). So after I get out of bed and into legendary mode, that’s what I make. Big pot, all the stuff in the order I listed, and split it up for the day. (I also have two half-gallon bottles of water that I keep cool in the fridge — I drink both every day).
Everything All at Once
After my walk, I came in to meditate before I ate. I assumed (side-eye) that since I was still in a sort of low cognitive load, that it’d be easy. As soon as I began, my mind started filling up with all of the anxieties I’ve been dealing with. Oops. I will say this: going from a clear head to the inundation of anxiety allowed me to write them down more easily:
A relative is in the hospital, and a a codependent relative sounds like they’re about to be in the same place, and my house is a mess (how the hell – again??). Everything else doesn’t matter, but is weighing heavily: codependent relative was going on last night about how worried she is about hospitalized one, and decided to add comments about my male presentation by telling me how gross, unattractive, and ugly I look, and how that was why I’ve been turned down for jobs (I’ve yet to be turned down explicitly. Either something happens or the job isn’t what I want, and I’m gonna be picky about that…plus I have the unicorn of local jobs right now, regardless what I’m doing, since nobody is hiring customer service professionals here…which, that tracks for where I live).
Though it’s still bothering me, even after therapy, I addressed the comments internally, first: these are the very people who made my life a living hell for the past decade or more, and I need to get that shit out of my head fast. It serves no purpose to pay heed to anything they say. None at all. At this point, not even the good stuff. Hearing the stories about lack of gratitude they expressed toward staff at the hospital (and how proud codependent relative sounded at first about being that way) supported my ability to get rid of most of the ick that I felt. Then hearing the lack of gratitude the hospitalized one had toward codependent one didn’t surprise me at all. Though it’s toxic positivity, “that’s just how they are” is the most based statement I can make about it.
Finally, Therapy
Wednesdays are quickly taking over Thursdays as my favorite day of the week, specifically because of therapy. We talked about how Mr. Self Critical and Mr. Self Compassion are getting along, and I lamented about my near-relapse and what the codependent relative said, and how the self-care part basically went right out the window for the former thing, that I had to call someone for help. And deep down, I feel like I failed despite not actually failing.
She put it in perspective for me: I am grieving right now. Releasing the damage of layers upon layers of my traumatic past requires it. She said it’s why I’ll have an amazing day, then everything goes to shit in the most unexpected way possible, external events aside. She noted that my resilience and managing to stay positive and have a sense of humor despite the emotions — that those are abilities that take perseverance and a ton of practice to both acquire and maintain, and why she feels like I’m having much better results with therapy.
“Even when it hurts?”
She reminded me that “you came in with a huge smile on your face, Seth.”
“That was probably from relief.”
“It was still a smile. A lot of people cry from relief when they’re in pain.”
That made me cry, which then made me laugh. I chuckled “thanks!” Which made us both laugh.
Okay, I see what she means, now.
I’m Building A Cabin in the Garden
I told her how I’ve been wanting to run away and hide due to some of the negative discourse around my recovery getting louder. I mean, who in their right mind doesn’t want me to get better, or would rather continue enforcing the negative state of existence that I’m abandoning? And why would anyone feel the need to tell me they feel that way? I told her that I started to reestablish a couple of alt accounts on socials just so I could breathe, and was going to repopulate one with sensory candy (images of flora and fauna, words of wisdom, kind music, etc), but I hesitated. To my surprise, she thought it was a great idea, so long as I don’t use it to isolate. She also encouraged me to take the vision of such a place and make it a reality in my guest room, since I’m about to move all of the office furniture into my bedroom.
Walking in the Dark
I don’t have any plans for tonight, so I think I’m going to work on my little hideaway and get my house caught up (again, wtf house it’s just me and 3 cats here). I also need to mow my lawn, so I’ll do that, then get my other 7.5k steps after it gets dark.
I really enjoy walking in the dark. The silence and serenity I feel despite not knowing what lies ahead is such a perfect metaphor for the peace of mind I wish to attain in every day life. I’m so grateful that life is showing me slices of this in places like such a walk. It makes things like what I talked to my therapist about today have much less value in my head, now that I’ve thought about it and written it all down.