Another thing we’ve been talking about in therapy is cognitive dissonance and information processing. Sometimes, and I still have absolutely no explanation for this, I will wake up and get my shower, get dressed to shoes, get the bed ready and bathroom cleaned up, and go get coffee in my (absolutely deserved) RADICAL SELF-CARE mug, and have a major anxiety attack upon the first sip. It’s an overwhelming feeling of guilt and impending punishment. Not all the time, mind you. Probably once a week. But it’s enough that it really bothers me. I’m having the same feeling right now, as a matter of fact, and this time, it’s because I looked at the clock and saw that it was 6:30pm. I’m missing my meeting tonight, because I had a very strong stout at lunch, and I’m still feeling it, so I want to be safe. (According to our unofficial discord server, most of us are missing it for various reasons.)
When I brought these moments of guilt/impending doom to my therapist, she had me take note of every time it happened. I was both impressed and not surprised that this happens quite a bit and not as randomly as it seemed. 6:30pm (on any day) is a trigger. Morning coffee is a trigger. Idleness is a trigger. A specific shirt is a trigger. Showering/bathing is often a trigger. Apparently the culprit is cognitive dissonance. CD is basically a negative thought or feeling that comes from a normally neutral cue. It stems directly from the way I processed information as traumatic events were happening in my past. CD is considered intrusive, and often comes with a desire to quickly avoid the event that causes it.
This would explain why I often say I don’t want to exist in a non unaliving sense. Where can I run away to? Where can I go to hide? It got worse after my mom passed, and even moreso when I fled the toxic environment I was in back in August. When my therapist and I started noting these triggers and my reaction, she implored me to start asking “why am I feeling this way?” instead of “where do I hide?”
It’s akin to dissociating specific people from my trauma responses. My feelings are valid, but the person or people involved are not at all responsible. They are okay. I am okay. This is a feeling. It will pass, and will pass even more as I learn to adapt. It’s the same with the coffee, showers, etc. Something occured over those otherwise mundane moments in my past, causing me to become hypervigilant from the guilt/fear of punishment that would arise from them.
Wow!
The shirt is the one I’ll talk about. It’s the same shirt my mom was wearing when I begged her to go into hospice. At the time, I didn’t realize completely (was in denial?) that hospice was a finality. She didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay home and finish with homecare. The survivor’s guilt, the guilt from encouraging her to go where she didn’t want to go…I know she thanked me for talking her into it when she was finally in there, but just seeing the shirt sometimes sends me to tears. On this one, my therapist asked me to just sit with it in my lap and remind myself of my mom’s gratitude instead of how bad I feel.
Now, when I see the shirt, I give it a hug and just tell my mom I’m glad she went, and I’m glad that it ended up being a good thing. That I miss her and I hope I’m doing the right thing, I hope it’s enough. I swear, sometimes I can hear her say “you’re doing more than enough. You are more than enough.” I say “I love you,” and I hear her say “I loved you first.” I always reply, “I’ve loved you longer.”
So with the coffee, I sit with it, and I remind myself that this is my domain, this is my mountain. And damnit, this is my coffee. I’m going to enjoy it, thankyouverymuch! The feelings of impending punishment subside by the third sip.