Day two of that which shall not be named. I’m already starting to see why I prefer the 90 mile a minute lifestyle, even though it’s such a bust on my physical and mental health. If I don’t slow down, I don’t have time to think, and no time to think means no time to feel. Of course, I write this after weeks of writing about things that keep me feeling down, so there’s that. It’s only been two days, but I gotta write this here, as I like how I feel. Here’s a few things I’m picking up from slowing down:
My ability to practice empathy is much easier, especially toward myself. It’s really easy to hear my needs, but when I’m blasting various topics in my head, it’s even easier to ignore myself. Going the mental equivalent of a school speed limit has allowed me to not only hear myself, but also be able to respond. So if I feel sad all of a sudden (this happens), I can take a minute to let myself be sad and even comfort myself. If my hands feel sweaty, I can get up and wash and towel them dry instead of ignoring it for the backlog of things I’ve created.
Slowing down gave me time to not only get my morning routine done without feeling rushed, it also allowed me the mental space to meditate without much mental clapback. That’s been a constant fight. Meditation itself is fine, it’s the effort to actually get into that mindset that’s been an on and off issue. Slowing down made it happen today without much resistance.
I’ve also found it easier to get my steps in and be smart about it. I’ve not done any 5km walks since before I got sick, but I easily got the 20k today just by breaking it up into a hand full of walks throughout the day. The fact that I had several interviews (pizza places, y’all, baby steps). This is literally one day of walking while focusing on slowing down, so I can’t say I’ve “learned” this. Just something I’ve noticed.
My time management was very well done, today. Where I’ll usually worry about the 360 things in my backlog and nothing gets done because worry, I gave myself 6 priorities and made a list of things I’d like to get done. I got about 20 tasks completed before coming to the PC to write this post.
I had time for a nap! What? I took a thirty minute nap! It was blissful!
My anxiety isn’t there. Well it is, but it’s much less prominent. I really hope this is an ongoing thing, because my head feels almost no anxiety-related pressure, and that feels great. I didn’t realize I’d had a headache from it all this time.
I haven’t been as worried about people. I’ve thought about my favorites, today…a few times actually…but worry? Not so much. Just the random “I wonder how they’re doing/hope they’re okay” without wondering if I need to check in or interact or call or text. This had another side to it – I did worry about whether or not I was doing it wrong (I think because of my history), but faith is also a muscle. My therapist has assured me over and over that those who matter the most will still be there, and I’m not going to cause people to leave if I live my life. She said if anything, I might develop stronger relationships as a result of this. I’m relying on that while focusing on my life.
I was able to comfortably get in some game time without feeling like I was missing out on something else. HOO BOY this was nice. Playing a game without worrying about the backlog is such a wonderful experience. Like…I really really enjoy ffxiv for example. It’s just so charming and cozy. I can’t wait to meet people who play.
Lastly, it helped me focus. I didn’t have 360 things in my mental backlog; instead, I had five or six items on my mind, none of them were frivolous, and only one or two were in “important/urgent” placement. (Check The Four Quadrants of Time Management). The best part was that, as I said, I was able to get some game time in (which was quadrant 4).
So if this is what I can expect from slowing down, then I am SO here for this. Empathy and staying in the present were byproducts (I think), so it’s like the three main things my therapist wants me to focus on for this week just kind of happened on their own.
So far, I think that which I cannot name is going well. It’s only day two of it…but I really liked slowing down.