Woke up at around noon with a massive photophobic vestibular migraine — sitting still doesn’t help really, even al these hours later. I stayed under the heavy warmth of my weighted blanket and kept the back light low my two phones, and playing a new anime ARPG (Lost Sword) while keeping discord open on the other phone to chat with a friend who I had plans with, today (we were going to the local Pride event).
I did get myself up and going a little bit, opting to make some super spicy ramen with three soft/open boiled eggs and a ton of green onions cut up over the bed of noodles. The heat seemed to loosen up the congestion that seems to come with these migraines, which feel like they’re getting worse and worse, despite being farther and farther apart. But the ramen itself was really salty, and it turned my stomach sour, and with the migraine already causing pain, it was really difficult to get comfortable once I felt nauseous.
Anyway, I’m kinda proud of myself — I dared to step outside of a boundary, then I thought better of it and corrected course. I don’t want to get too specific, but after posting something, I had second thoughts. I listened to myself, weighed the pros and cons, and deleted. I honored the knowledge that I would most likely not be seen, nor would I be acknowledged, so what’s the point of setting myself up for failure like that? I don’t really like the idea of being not seen, and doing what I did would most likely cause that to happen.
I really hate non reciprocity…I abhor it. There’s one exception to this rule and they know who they are (thus why they’re getting the exception — they keep in touch in their own way). It still hurts a bit sometimes, which is why I’m working on better boundaries. I don’t think they or anybody deserve to be put in a position where their anything they do will hurt either way. Either they’re going to not respond/react and that will hurt me, or they’re going to bend their own boundaries and make their self vulnerable, which could open them up to being hurt, themselves. I don’t want this person to have that burden, you know?
That’s the interesting thing about boundaries — with practice you start to learn where you shouldn’t go, because it opens the door for future conflict or pain, whether intentional or not. Smart and respectful boundaries boundaries keeps you from putting yourself or others in a place where things would/could cause said pain or discomfort. It’s easier to see as one goes.
I had a feeling I was going to have a migraine, today. I could kinda tell last night. I had these strange flashy white orblet things in my peripheral vision, was kinda dealing with a little bit of dissociative paralysis, feeling like I couldn’t concentrate, feeling…not confused, but like I wasn’t in my body, or I was in my body, but my mind went on a field trip. Like in game – in Guild Wars 2, I was having trouble motor skilling my hand to the mouse to make my character travel to a different location for a world boss event. I couldn’t remember how to actually do that.
During the writers meeting, I felt fine. I think I got a little bit too overexcited, but I did fine, nonetheless. I didn’t feel myself get stuck on an emotional high. But I might have and just didn’t see it. I stayed up doing things that were annoying because I couldn’t get my body to do what I wanted it to. So when I did finally go to bed, I was completely wiped. Then waking up with the migraine was just nasty.
I also think I’ve been trying to catch something, or my body’s fighting an infection, so maybe that’s got something to do with it. Like right now, it’s 11:48pm and I am still awake on principle. Not because I want to be, but because I insist. You know what? I wonder if my late nights spent overthinking the past few weeks is catching up to me.
Anyway, I’m really proud of myself for choosing to respect the boundary. I know I was excited about their recent announcement, on top of whatever my brain and body have going on, but they will let people know when they can come up for air.
In the meantime, I’m still in bed under heavy blankets and feeling disoriented as heck…last brain scans showed no sign of actual bad things, just for some reason I’m having migraines every now and again. I said the last one was 2 months ago, but I don’t think that’s entirely true — I think I have one or two a week. But as far as bad ones go, two months ago I was grounded for three days with one.
I hate to do this, but I’m gonna give myself another week to get my planned starter posts up. Sorry bout that, folks.