My mind is slowing down. Or it’s opening up, or both, not sure which. I’ve had room to think about things, but not without the anxiety, guilt, and shame that have stopped cycling and are now happening at the same time. Guilt and shame aren’t the same thing, mind you, as the former is about feeling like you have screwed up, and the latter is feeling like you are screwed up. These feelings are really old, so old in fact that I am not sure where they originated, exactly, just that it was when the second iceberg hit.
I’ve begun referring to my two abuse cycles as icebergs. One for my childhood stuff (that is now longer an issue for the most part, thanks to learning to forgive everyone), and the second for what happened within the last decade (the stuff that I’ve not worked through, yet). It was during the second iceberg that the three emotions I am currently feeling began, and also when I started my relapse.
The paradox of relapse is that, despite the fact that you’re using again to stop the feelings of general badness, using itself will create more badness to add to the badness you already feel. My personal experience is that I’m not using because I’m addicted, I’m using because I’m obsessed with trying to figure out how to make the drug of choice fix my problem. The obsession, by the way, is the addiction. I’ve been lucky not to have physical withdrawals.
Since my anxiety is an overarching symptom of another illness (PTSD/AvPD), I am going to leave it in a box and talk about the two emotions I’m working on with a sponsor and therapist.
Guilt is the “easiest” to explain. When you come out of the chemical fog that is addiction, you begin to see all of the harm you caused, whether it be real or imagined. With my PTSD and AvPD, there is a certain sense of danger that comes with the guilt – a feeling like I am going to get in trouble, or even hurt. I want to run away and hide, or even delete everything and start over. It’s why I place a high sentimental value on my really old Twitter account. Facing the guilt head-on and essentially crossing out each item that causes it will most likely be the course of action. Discovering each thing that requires Also talk therapy, which I start tomorrow.
The shame is the most dangerous of the two, especially if I keep it pushed down. I’ve internalized it for so long that it’s become a part of my identity. It’s been one of the reasons I’ve been incapable of asking for help already. And with me, there’s a cycle. I try to get out there and find what I need, then get scared because those feelings of worthlessness creep in, I give up out of fear of being seen as what the shame lies about, relapse out of the feelings of failure, and go back to just being in my relapse. The best thing I can do about shame is tell someone. “I am ashamed of myself for this.” It hurts. Just writing it down makes me cry, right now. But it’s the single most effective thing I can do.