Oh, to get a full eight hours of sleep. At night. All together. I have a lot to talk about but nothing urgent, so I’ll just freewrite as I do.
I’m home from work. It was a short day. The original intent was to complete all the onboarding and training modules, but as fate may have it, all of my completed work was still up to date from my short time at a different location last year. So I hung around and helped out and chatted with my manager and coworker. We enjoyed how quickly we could completely derail a conversation into the gutter while keeping a straight face. But this is the kind of camaraderie you develop with people that you’ve known forever. In this case, the manager knew or worked with all of us prior to an event that sent everyone turning their badges in, now she’s managing the place I work, and she’s making a team of people who she worked with — and we’re kind of the all stars from the previous place. So to say we have a good rapport is an understatement.
We also noticed an anomaly – my last timesheet was not signed from the last time I was working for the company. This may be an unpaid check, but I’m not holding my breath. We’ll see. It would be nice to get a check for unpaid work, as I could definitely use the boost. I’m not surprised that I’d have missed it, I was in a homeless shelter, after all, and had just moved to a new position with another company, and I didn’t even want to think about that place at that time.
Anyway, so I’m home, and yesterday was weird, and I am still thinking about it. I had full control over my emotions all day, and believe me, I was not unemotional. I’m a very deep thinker, and I tend to feel very deeply as well. So once it hits, it’s kind of like quicksand, and I feel it all the way through my system. It doesn’t always have to be bad. I get over excited, I get really really low. It’s just how I operate, I guess.
As it was, I woke up at a decent hour, and actually pushed myself through my morning routine all the way up to the random act of kindness I do (I looked myself in the eye through the mirror and said “look at you, hot sauce, dayum!” lol). Went out for my 1.2 mile morning walk, and caught up on dailies in a video game I play while sipping coffee from my RADICAL SELF-CARE mug. So the day started great. Then I realized that I had a clear mind, and started taking notes on things in my immediate visual area that bothered me — and fixed it. There was a table out of place, a TV resting temporarily on a dining chair, and some other things that just didn’t sit right with me. I moved and rearranged and felt a lot better. It was really nice to just do it. The rest of the day went well, and I did my bedtime routine right before laying down before the sun set all the way.
I got sucked into a mobile game, which kept me up just long enough for something in the game to trigger a memory that almost sent me off into a spiral, except my bedtime routine includes tea that helps me calm down: champa flower incense, a peppermint + lavender pillow mist that I made, a stress-reducing and dopamine-building supplement stack*, and a cassein protein shake with a salad consisting of simple leaft greens, salmon, and a creamy avocado-based dressing that I made. I was in such a state of calmness that I didn’t have the capacity to get drawn into the storm of those late-night thoughts. I mean, yes, I smelled like a metaphysical shop, but oh my heavens, I felt good.
*the stack is 5-HTP, L-Theanine, L-Tyrosine, and Melatonin. Chill and very happy. (will detail all of those at the end of the post)
So even if I wanted to spiral into a state of despair and desperation, I’d already set myself up to be too chilled out to even cater to it. My fear is that this was only because I was mentally prepared and nothing odd happened yesterday other than something that triggered a memory and not because I was too mentally checked out to even explore it further. That doesn’t negate the immense confidence boost I had from doing these things and actively not caving into that triggered memory, however. Because the important part of that first statement is not “only.” I was mentally prepared, and rational me says, “you were mentally prepared, that’s not just “only.” I know what I am capable of. I have the tools to mitigate any potential spiral-inducers. I can manage them should they come up. Just like I did last night. I intend to do exactly what I did tonight and keep the trend going. If I can stay on top of myself, then the rest of my life should fall into place…should. And if it doesn’t? I’ll be ready for it…as long as I stay on top of myself.
(I have thoughts about how this feels like I am running a business, but honestly, how is it not, other than the fact that I am not a building, but a good business is 100% founded on the element of positive human interaction…)
Anyway, the supplements. This is where I get to show off one of my passions. 🙂
This might actually be good for its own post…yeah, I’m writing a whole post about it.