CW: child abuse, physical abuse
Holy cows! Imagine being totally exhausted, but without a low mood! That’s me, right now! I’m more than satisfied with my work ethic, lately, because I’m no longer unsure of whether not I’m doing things right. Everything is on even keel, velocity made good. Except there’s this one thing…
Also, I just noticed that this was nearing 1,700 words, that’s long!. Sorry to my three frequent readers, whoever you are. But it’s been quite a week. I came back to edit this to make it a bit easier to read. I also checked myself in a few areas, because I was hiding something important.
I got my workout done! Neither of my 5k walks happened, because I needed the energy. But I had a great stretching session with my trainer, and even learned how to calm the quads when they stiffen up. We did a light LP before I left, too, but I was still really tired.
I have a migraine, today, which started as a tension headache, but as of writing this, it’s to the point that I am light sensitive. These don’t happen very often, maybe twice a year, but the light sensitivity is new. I took an ibuprofen (I avoid Tylenol for obvious reasons), and that really didn’t do anything. So have the lights out, monitor dim, and am drinking a cup of coffee in hopes that the caffeine will alleviate some of it. (update: the caffeine helped, headache is going away. Thank the universe!)
I got all dressed up for my friend’s celebration dinner, but realized it’s on Saturday. I swear today has been nothing but “oh no it’s Thursday” and “where did Friday go?” No matter. I was going to take a pic of myself in the outfit, but when I got to the bedroom, I just took everything off, put it up, and threw on my PJs, then fell on my bed and slept for two hours like that. Great nap, too. Except, like I said, the migraine. I wonder if I could get a full eight in that position, though. Wouldn’t have to make the bed if I did!
I forgot to talk about my therapist visit on Thursday. “Forgot.” Right, Admo, it was intentional due to the subject matter. It’s a truth I don’t like to bring up, but is necessary for this time. The topic was how and why I guard my heart the way I do. Ive touched upon this when planning the compliment challenge, but I didn’t deep dive into why until Thursday with my therapist. Some of this is rehashing that post.
People guard themselves, it’s normal. But I’ve associated opening up with getting hurt. Not just heartbroken, but hit. Like punched. It stems directly from the physical abuse I received from six different people (not just men) when I was a child. (I’m learning a lot, lately, about how that time of my life still affects me as an adult.) As an adult, to determine someone is safe is to determine that I’m ready for them to hurt me. Being that I already wear my heart on my sleeve, this is one of the chief disruptors of my ability to truly connect with people.
Both the compliment challenge and developing a deeper level of trust with my best friend revealed to me on the heart level that this is not a rational fear. I’m proud of myself for doing that challenge. I’ve been a lot less hesitant giving compliments, since I finished, and my therapist and I both feel like this is a positive step in the right direction.
My therapist’s primary concern, to my surprise (Admo, be honest), is the question of meeting a romantic partner. We can do work that would allow me to stop fearing the idea of forming deeper relationships (at platonic levels), but she believes I could be single because of that same fear, and that my asexuality is not an identity, but a shield. I’ve never thought about it, really (bruh…), because it scares me (ok that’s true). She said as loveable and loving as I am, conditions are such that meeting a partner could happen. If I were to meet a person in my new friend circles and fall in love with them in the non-platonic sense (which that’s never going to happen…god I’m a bad liar), this fear of mine would 100% be detrimental to pursuing it. She wants me to be at a level where I would be able to open up and not fear getting hurt, should that time come. I think it’s a good idea, too. (She also strongly encouraged me to wait before jumping into a relationshit. Help!)
Ok, out with it, Admo. This was all triggered because there’s someone I like…a lot…and ever since we met, when she sees me in our circles, she always comes straight to me to say hi and check in on me. She doesn’t just hug me, she grabs my hand, too. We’re hanging out a lot, just us…like I get 12 texts a day, and she’s 4 of them, plus at least a phone call. I feel like I should be able to do the same, but that fear…I realized earlier in the week that I’m falling in love. I’m not ready. I mean, I love the hell out of people as it is, and I have a deeper admiration for a few of them — they know exactly who they are — but this is a very different feeling. Every time I come home from hanging out with her, I go into this nesting phase, as if I’m planning for her to move in just in case…like do I need a U-Haul? I also notice I think about her all the time. I need to listen to my therapist, maybe bring this up with my potential and see. If anyone has a hand to hold, now’s the time to offer it.
I also didn’t want to get into details about the actual therapy, but I will say a lot of it is on me. It’s more “keep doing what you’re doing” plus take the small steps to dare to go where it starts to scare me. She praised my efforts to get out there, and told me this is a massive step, which I knew, but hearing someone like her say that was monumental to my confidence. She even told me that I am making connections, according to what I’ve told her, but it’s the ptsd from what I just wrote about that distorts my thinking about them.
She also said that, despite my ability to socialize, I’m still an introvert, and it’s important to be aware of my social battery. She’s given me some goals for non structured interactions (places that aren’t meetings, work, and group sessions irl, and places that aren’t streams or public social media online), and we’ll see how that goes. There’s currently four areas that I’ll get to try these in, three of which are in person, and the other is a high-energy dungeon group on discord with new people who already call me a friend. (end edit)
I’m really thankful to be able to open up completely about all of this in a serious setting. It hurts so much to want to reach out when there’s a thing going on and not be able to contribute anything meaningful, because I’m afraid of the repercussions. Sobriety alone doesn’t change that fear. It’s why I’m grateful for my therapist, my meetings, my sponsor, and the people and places I do feel safe around, regardless where it’s at. Grateful beyond words.
I’m thinking about getting admopk (.com) and making that a sort of “official” site where I post more professional articles while keeping this one as a collection of personal thoughts and self reflections. I have to think about it, though. An official site with my name on it would be so cool, and I wish I’d thought about it when making this one. It would take a little bit more time dedicated to writing in a more generic format, though. I’d also adore the opportunity to promote people, sites, and places that inspire and motivate me (believe it or not, there’s more than one!) without feeling awkward about it due to the personal nature of this site. But I could potentially put together a site that would be more actively helpful to people for in so many ways! The three visitors who frequent this place (thank you for being a part of my recovery, whoever you are) can still check on here for updates, but I would no longer link this site anywhere, if I did do this.
Finally, Saturday is an off day, and I’m really excited about just chilling and doing some light house cleaning, then going to dinner and a meeting.
One more thing: I’m getting a lot of people who tell me they’re not sure they should consume adult beverages around me. Writing my answer here, too: the short answer to that is you’re fine, go ahead.
The long answer is that I don’t drink at all, because I cannot stop once I start. (on April 21, for example, I consumed 366 ounces of hard tea within a short period). I wasn’t drinking because others were, I was drinking to not feel anything. I have to be pretty damned depressed to do that again. Considering the people I’ve surrounded myself with, this won’t be an issue. My normal drinker people are some of many sources of positive energy, and seeing y’all do your thing isn’t a problem. So have at it — I will happily be your designated driver if you need one (especially if the bar is serving free nachos and sodas to the DDs).