I feel so danged excited to simply have a work schedule, and it’s just the biggest relief! For now, it is perfect. I won’t say exactly what time I work, but I will 100% be able to go to bed at the same time every day, and I love that very much. I’ll also be able to get up early again, which is another huge bonus.
BUT THERE’S MORE! I’m falling in love with things I used to avoid due to the fear of getting in trouble or being heavily criticized for it. The mere act of putting on a show (like anime or something fantasy-based for example) and learning to ground myself enough to not be hypervigilant when I watch is just…honestly, it’s cathartic in itself. I don’t mean that in the manner of focusing and dumping negative emotions, but more like…a more intentional way of keeping outside influences outside while allowing the healing and dopamine to do what they do via whatever it is that I am watching or reading or playing. Like an internal bouncer keeping all of the bad actors that my mind keeps close away from the therapeutic vibes of the medium I am enjoying.
I’m also learning to put up flag poles and fences in my mind around things that I want to keep as safe and secure places. When I am around or inside of these spaces, I do not want anything or anyone to ruin it. So the fences are up and people are kept out unless there’s been some level of proof that folks are not bringing harm or harmful intent into those spaces. This act of fencing and placing flags has helped me to see those people and spaces as safe without the influence of others. Which has also calmed me down a lot. It’s given me the energy and power to feel free and safe with the positive vibes that I feel in these spaces and around these people.
Part of early recovery, now that I’m actively able to pay attention and put it into practice, is to simply become comfortable with myself regardless how people act, interact, react, etc. It’s a way for me to shine my light for myself and learn to trust that light and build it up for me, not use it as a reference for acceptance or approval. If I show love, for example, I don’t require approval. I love a thing someone does, and I do get to love it. Getting a reply is a major bonus, but not getting one doesn’t mean that my excitement is invalid. Just as when I love something and do it for myself – I don’t need someone to approve of it.
I am definitely still having the random pauses about worrying if I will get in trouble, but I’m also having the windows that I’ve talked about become more obvious. That moment or two where I can choose to react to it or give it an avenue to leave. I’m starting to trust the process of accepting the threat as a feeling and countering it with an equally astute deflection/rejection. It is still very much a practice, but I really feel like I am getting better. I used to feel bad for distancing myself from folks who used to be there in my corner but are currently not. But in allowing the distance, I’ve started realizing that I was saving space for them while missing the space that has been created for me by people who want me closer to them. And I have been blessed with authentic people. Not performative. Not approval seeking. Just authenticity and warmth that we all as human beings deserve.
I couldn’t be happier right now.