(freewriting error: i started writing this a few days ago, and just tied it up tonight)
So my coach is gone for a week, and I’m keeping myself busy. I’m off today and tomorrow (today is almost over), so I’ve been working on a narrative for a game, doing some deep cleaning, negotiating the removal of a tooth (it’s out, I did well), and reading and listening to podcasts that talk extensively about the subject of attachment theory in relation to abandonment trauma. Keeping my own experience in mind, I think I may have stumbled upon something nobody else has considered, which I will definitely run by my coach when she returns from her vacation.
We’ve been working through my most recent abandonment-based retraumatization for the last…two months or so (I didn’t realize it’s almost the end of October so it’s more than two months), and how it sparked a sort of limerent reaction toward who I will call my favorite person (FP), since favorite person is technically a proper term for them. When a third party suggested I was being abandoned by them, it initiated a domino effect of intense panic and a tailspin of doom thoughts and desperate attempts to regulate my emotions.
I have a safe person (SP), but they’re a real friend, and have been for awhile. My FP is at best an online acquaintance, and the connection is distant, but we know the other well enough to say “oh it’s (me or them)!” Comparatively, both are on the same level of respect from my perspective, but with different levels of closeness and familiarity. I could address problems with my SP a lot easier with my SP than my FP, which might explain the reaction…but not really.
My coach introduced the idea of limerence not too long ago, since on paper, this is exactly how my actions looked like. I say limerence, but I am referring to something platonic and not romantic (ew — no offense). What my coach meant was that I was freaking out not about my FP, but about my relationship with my FP. Due to the lack of balance with my FP, I felt responsible for maintaining the connection, just as a limerent person feels toward their limerent object. (Owen Wilson “weow!”)
After reflecting on this, reading about limerence, listening to podcasts about that and as I said, abandonment trauma and attachment theory and such, I realized something. This wasn’t something exclusive to my FP. This was literally with every relationship I hold high. Everyone I hold a higher regard for has this hierarchy of mediatorship between me and the relationship. I am, in a way, afraid of them, because I’ve given them the key to the relationship or connection. They mediate, essentially. I perform for them, they decide if I am worthy, and they continue the relationship or connection. Everyone else is on a slightly lower level, not because they’re lower people, but because I’ve determined for some reason that they’re not worthy of my performance (or that space where I don’t let people in). I use worthy loosely. It’s a part of that “million acquaintances, very few close friends” mentality…which…on a side note, my coach is helping me learn that being introverted/shy is okay. I don’t have to be overly social if I am not comfortable…which directly challenges my trauma-based need to perform for everyone.
Except that’s a whole ‘nother layer — I don’t consider myself shy. I just prefer to be alone, even when I’m feeling super lonely. The complexity is that I don’t want people around. I just like knowing some people are there. I’m the cat on the porch. I like my people where they are, but I don’t want to be near them unless I’m…well…traumatized.
But back to the theory — I think the idea that the other people are mediators for the gold star of the relationships (which should be a mutual thing) is what my version of trauma has taught me. And all of the talking, rehashing, etc is starting to give me a very tangible understanding of how my mind has developed the pattern of this as a result of said trauma. It’s why when people are absent, I freak out about the relationships. But when people are present, I understand everything is fine. It should never be like this. It should be relationships=fine, even if people are away.
Anyway, it’s just a theory, but the more I view things in this manner with the understanding of the fallacy of that thought process, the more I can understand why it’s a fallacy of thought.