Therapy went as good as can be expected. As soon as I saw her, I doubled over and started sobbing. I told her everything that transpired, and how I feel like it caused a major setback, because I’m so afraid to interact with anyone I feel any level of closeness too because I’m terrified that I’ll get hurt or I’ll get in trouble for it. She asked me if I’m still going to work, and I said yes. She asked if I was still aiming for that apartment. I said yes.
“It’s not a setback.” She assured me. She said something along the lines of “you’ve been in the middle of a ptsd attack, you’re reeling from what your grandmother said, and you’re trying to process and identify your flawed thinking. You’re fighting the urge to go into flight mode, you’re sick, you’re tired, you’re overwhelmed, but you’re still showing up.”
We went through a breathing exercise (which didn’t work when I was by myself) to calm down, and then we played the 5-4-3-2-1 game (which also never works unless someone else is present), we did a age/dob/location/year/etc check. Though I still felt like I’d just escaped a literal beating, and the flashbacks of last week’s event were (still are) very vivid, it did kinda bring me back to the present.
After some creative questioning in relation to my interactions with others since all this happened, she reminded me that it’s okay to not interact if I am scared that I’ll say the wrong things, but to remember that I am scared, and to practice self-compassion and nurture that part of me that’s struggling. When I calm down, I’ll see that nobody went anywhere.
We talked about some other things before I left, including how I’ll be grieving the two relatives I’m about to alienate myself from, my plans for getting into the apartment and how I’m going to afford Bo and Tommie (I have an idea on that), and my thoughts on getting a gym membership restarted because it was very therapeutic for me. And she also gave me some new worksheets, one we filled out there. The one we filled out should be helpful for when I have such acute panic attacks in the future. Lastly, she congratulated me on my new job (my return to customer service…well…this town’s version of it, anyway).
My therapist helped me sort out a lot of shit, today, and I’m really grateful that we could get me into a place where I was able to listen to her advice. I’m still really sick to my stomach and still scared that I may say or do the wrong thing. So…sorry if I’m not heavily active for a bit. I’ll try to like and share stuff, still. Love to anyone who needs it. I know I do.