I really shouldn’t plan my writing, just saying. I’m a natural born pantser. I’ve made a new website, instead, and will be moving over there eventually (actually, by the time I post this, I’ll probably change my mind and end up in yet another place…the U-Haul Bloggian, maybe?)
I’m probably not going to talk about my inspiration on here as much, anymore, save for what’s going on in their vodcast that I love. They are a wonderful bean and inspired me to try to get help for all I have going on via an interview I heard them do a few months ago, and their aforementioned vodcast. They’re the first person I can think of that I don’t actually know, but wanted to just tell them everything — not the bad, necessarily, but how good things are going after building my own community. As such, I was really worried about being too excited (I am 100% known for this) and didn’t have an outlet for it other than here and with my therapist. That, and the whole ‘being ashamed of myself because of the condition I’m in’ part. I didn’t want to be a black eye (I think that’s the idiom) in their fan base. But since I’m more comfortable around them, now (albeit on social/stream chats — their mods and community have been a huge help with this), it’s no longer really a worry. Thus, it’s no longer something to go on and on about. (anyone want to bet on this?)
My potential and I discovered a few differences, lately, and two are big ones. The one I will share is that she’s not a cat person at all. I can’t imagine spending forever with a person who doesn’t love cats (we both agree that this one of a few deal breakers). But that doesn’t detract from us being friends, and good ones already at that. Neither does the other stuff. In fact, I’ve started subconsciously looking for her potential mate, because I know she’s looking, and I know what she’s looking for. And now I’m wondering if there’s someone out there that I’d be interested in. Like her and my therapist have said, though: now is probably not a good time for it. I fall hard for people, and I’m learning that patience is a good thing…patience and timing. Well…and a person to fall for…until then, you’ll find us occasionally sitting on a bench at the mall or park watching the time go by.
I went to go pick up my 1 month tag — both of my face to face groups were out of them! My sponsor was like “why don’t you share on how you’re not doing this for recognition!” We shared a good laugh, but my share ended up being more about how grateful I am that I had the cotton out of my ears when I heard that one person say that thing about finding my people that one time (I think I just lost a bet with myself), and how grateful I am to have made it into the rooms and get a sponsor, get into the steps (step 6 right now, hoo boy this one’s a dinger!), and start hanging out with people who are respectful of my mentality when it comes to drinking/using. Like I can be around people who drink, and have been many times since I started this. The problem is spiritual, it’s mental. I’ve learned very quickly who has my best interests in mind, who doesn’t put thought into it, and (shocker) who absolutely do not have my best interests in mind to the point that they are malicious about it. I cut ties with about two dozen people because of that last part, this past month. A lot of thoughts and feelings have ebbed and flowed, but the gratitude for all of this has never changed.
Just to think that 32 days ago, I was waking up in the worst state I can recall myself being in just short of a direct s*icide attempt, with no hope, no purpose, and no reason to live. And tonight, I’m not just hopeful, but happy, blessed, and content. I not only have an almost-defined purpose, but am helping others find theirs, and I have hundreds of reasons to live…gratitude seems like such a weak way to express how I feel. I just started, and there is more to come.
I’ve got three original fiction works in progress at the moment. I’ve been working on one of them for at least 14 years, but it’s never been fully developed. Another could be a short story format, or a series of short stories. The other is something I rattled off to a dear friend who works at the gas station about a week ago, and ran home and wrote all of it down — it’s got more plot twists than a jar of licorice, and reads a lot like how my brain functions. I want to make that one a screenplay. And about inspiration…I love the topic so much that I’m writing an e-book about it. “I’ve been so inspired that I’m writing a book about inspiration.” I’ve searched far and wide, and if there’s a book on the subject, I’m not finding it, and I can find literally anything if it’s out there.
So…looking back at this month…things that I’ve done:
Keeping a semi-decent diet. Not necessarily perfect macros, but I’m keeping it around 1700 calories (my bmr is 2288, I burn calories like a wildfire when at rest), getting my gallon of water in every day, and eating a little over 155gm of protein (my goal weight is 188, but my lean body mass is currently 155lb). I’ve lost 20lb so far.
Withdrawals – I ended up having to get on an anti-anxiety medication to help with the withdrawals from the benzos. I learned late that withdrawing on my own (from that and the alcohol) could have been fatal, and I was lucky that my body was handling it the way it did. This one isn’t itself a benzo, but it still offers the same type of relief from the nervousness and inability to sleep. It’s not addictive, and so far, it really does seem to help.
Sleep – getting eight hours. Not getting eight hours at night. But getting eight hours again.
Walking — I am getting 5km every day, and 10km (5 twice a day) 4 days a week.
Working out — we started on a 6 day split…but I’m way out of shape, despite being able to throw station wagons around in the gym, so we dropped it to a 3 day split with 2 days off — one of those off days being a full on stretching session. We’re also working out late at night, now, since both of us have late schedules.
Work – almost had a dream job. Lost it. Had another land in my lap. The latter is part time, but the amount of pay, the benefits, and the hours (among a plethora of other good things) were too good to pass up. As a matter of fact, it fits my current sleep schedule perfectly. I started last night.
Meetings – Getting at least one face to face a day, with at least 2 online. In addition to that, my lgbt group is once a week, I missed 2 due to weather and events, but am loving that one. Got a therapist, whom I’ve seen 6 times this month, 2 were “hey I had a question, got 30 minutes?” type. I also have a doctor, now, who is very diversity friendly and has experience with addiction withdrawals.
Medical (that I wish to share) – Speaking of doctor, my numbers look fantastic. One of the cautionary numbers is low in a good way. I even shocked myself and passed a stress test. The rest is for me to know. ;o)
What else…that’s it, I think. Ya, that’s a good way to end my one month post. See y’all around, and thanks for being a part of my recovery!