Yesterday wasn’t the greatest day in the world, but in a way, it wasn’t bad.
I’ve been fighting the desire to beat up on myself, since my job opportunity fell through due to tremendously bad timing (hiring manager — not my friend — saw a name they were familiar with and selected them immediately, and meanwhile the backup position was given to someone else before my friend had a chance to submit me for it. My brain is trying to twist it into the idea that this wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t so greedy about wanting a higher level position, even though I know I am not the one who wanted me there, I was asked, and I said “yolo.” I literally said “you know what? Yolo, let’s do it.”
My friend’s celebration dinner was splendid. Anything at that steakhouse is, really. The friend who I’m feeling things for was a little bit late, and it was like watching a pot boil, waiting for her. She saw me when she got there, came right up to me, hugged me, grabbed my hand, and I was just butterflies for the whole evening. I had to be as red as the neon exit sign. After it was over, we sat on a bench at the edge of the parking lot and talked.
The opportunity to bring up how I felt came up, and I asked her if it was normal to feel like that this early. She said “for you? Definitely. You’re a little infatuated, and you have no experience with this.” She assured me that it wasn’t one-sided, but it was really early to make decisions or label anything in regards to an actual relationshit. She also suggested that I don’t lock in, just in case we find differences that we couldn’t handle, and not to forget about other people. She even noticed in my blog (yes, she reads my blog) that my writing changed when I realized that I was in love.
Ha, she even asked me who my inspiration was, to which I told her. After fan girling a bit, she was really perplexed about why I won’t say their name. I told her it’s because I wasn’t perfect, yet, and I wanted to get better first. She said “perfection isn’t going to happen, but if that were me and I saw that, I’d never put your blog down.” I was like “funny you say that…” (I have an inkling, and I’m totally fine with it, if that were true.)
I won’t talk about the other stuff since it’s personal, but this was a huge step to be able to open up about how I was feeling and talk about it like that. Ironically, I didn’t hold anyone’s hand but hers when we talked about everything. Honestly, the talk really calmed me down. I’ve been so anxious about it, and I think it was causing me to push myself harder than I was capable of. It definitely threw me off focus.
We ended up watching Arcadian (hell of a movie) at her place before I got home at midnight and published the blog post on perseverance. I’m so damned busy with everything that even my blog is a day late, and I’m not having time to finish the NTS series that I started. And I don’t even have a real schedule.
I slept from probably 4am to about noon, today (Sunday), and my trainer called left a message cancelling due to a “pseudo emergency.” I texted him and admitted that my sleep is still shit, so no problem. Then I finally put mom’s “new” bathroom decor in my very bare guest bathroom. I say “new” because she’d just bought it before she passed. I still need something for the walls, but here’s what I got so far:
Also, I don’t know why I can’t make the gallery clickable, but right-click then “view image in new tab” works for me. Anyway, I’m kinda thinking Mom had a theme, here (sarcasm), so maybe the images won’t be hard to find. I might even have some of my own to print and frame that would match it fairly well. The hardest part was that it all still smelled like mom’s laundry detergent. It still smelled like home. But I got it done. And I think it looks perfect.
I’ll probably end up in bed by 4am again. I hate that.
I guess my takeaway for today is that I really need to not be so hard on myself. I’m on the 6th step right now. I’ll write it down.