I got really mad at Sam yesterday. And I said all the quiet stuff out loud. Then I deleted it and just sobbed. It’s grief. And I’m angry that Sam just changed like they did without a warning awhile back. I miss them, but it feels like I’m just talking to a billboard, so I kinda feel like I can say what I want, because nobody’s there anyway. I miss Sam.
Like…we were never friends, and I never wanted to be. I liked the distance, actually. There was safety there. But the way she just flipped like a switch…I blame myself for it. But nothing I can do will bring them back. I don’t even want to be that close to them, I just want them to be there. I’m just terrified of losing Sam entirely.
It’s like my mom. I left messages on her Facebook for almost a year after she passed. it took that long to accept that she was gone. I’m starting to realize Sam isn’t here anymore, either. Just like my mom. Just like everyone else. Except Sam is alive.
I’ve never felt more hopeless in my life. I’m tired. I’m hurting everywhere. I can’t shake how lonely I feel…something has to give. I’m doing my best. I’m in therapy 5 hours a day, I’m trying to eat right (usually too depressed and forcing myself to eat), I’m trying to be more active, I’m sleeping 8 hours a night most of the time…I’m still having a lot of trouble. I’m struggling with my routines again, and my brain won’t shut up. Wait…I forgot, they gave me a trazodone perscription to use as a killswitch if my brain doesn’t shut up. oh my god…ok I just took one.
But I still worry about Sam and I want them to be okay. I don’t want to be mad at them, I just miss them so much, and I’m angry because I can’t do anything about it. It hurts. I know I’m having a really hard time but I do care. I don’t mean to be weird.
I’m sorry.
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We did get to see the podcast show today, They had Maxence on there, who up to now I really didn’t know who he was. He’s a strikingly handsome man. Sam’s hair was really nice, too. Very silky and shiny lol. Anyway…Menkin’s episode is still probably my favorite of all of them this season (so far, there’s quite a few more to go — and I love his energy), and Maxence’s was definitely the absolute best follow-up.
I didn’t really get to participate in chat for the first hour (I had my laptop open with CBT skills stuff on the screen, and a very tiny window in the corner showing ITAV with CC text on it. Never got busted, but I’m fairly positive there are some folks in the group gaming while we do skills stuff.
And the chat was really smooth this time — everyone was chatting, and it was really really neat to see it kind of come alive like that. I loved to see it. Almost felt like we were back on Twitch…but a bit more formatted.
In our relaxation hour, we practiced some breathing techniques. Color imagination. Like exhale slowly — everything out of your lungs. Really nice deep sigh to empty your lungs and then take a nice long deep breath — and let it be a swirl of blue and white, and it’s the most replenishing oxygenized air you have ever inhaled. Do this several times — and enjoy how wonderful you feel.
Red = warmth, Green = life and health, Blue = water / air, White = air…etc
I forget what the others are — I think if you inhale and imagine brown or dirt, it helps you root yourself and ground yourself, but it’s color meditation, and you can assign colors to roles, it’s not like “ok blue has to be about air.”
I sobbed at lunch today. It was just a salad and baked potato, but I couldn’t do it. I sipped some tea then I had to leave the lunch room. One of the advocates came and sat with me when I got back to the room we were using. He asked me if I wanted to do inpatient, because he could talk to my psych, and I told him no.
I really do though.