Category Archive PHP Logs

I know I’ve come a long way in the short month that I was in partial hospitalization. I was due to be in the program for 90 days to long-term if needed. But I responded so well to the adjustments once I understood how they worked in real time that they upgraded me to IOP, followed by three weekly check-ins until they and I both determine that I’m good to go back to normal weekly visits with my coach and my psych. The coolest things about the month I spent in the program were more than the changes I made for myself — a lot of things were what changed around me.

1. I am ultimately in charge of myself.
   I think the best and biggest thing is realizing exactly how much jurisdiction I have over Me Inc. At 47, there is literally no other person who gets to tell me what to do, when I do it, or how. This was rather daunting at first to a small part of me (meaning that wounded five year old), but over time, I realized that meant I also got to control who tried to do that to me and who didn’t even get a chance (anymore, for some folks).
   
   It’s me who gets to decide when I wake up, whether I take a shower and get dressed or not, whether I get coffee and breakfast, and whether I walk through that door ready for the day or slum through a morning where “I don’t wanna” wins and I simply show up half-ass dressed to do blah level work that won’t get noticed because I didn’t even try. Treating myself like a feature presentation instead of a low grade human gives me the best results. I might feel bad on a day, but I don’t have to cater to how I feel.
   
2. Showing up for myself has done more for me than anything or anyone else.
   Literally showing up. That’s it. If I do not want to go to the gym, I literally drive myself there and drop myself off. The rest happens because I showed up. If I don’t want to work on a night, I get dressed, drive myself there, and clock in anyway, the rest happens because I showed up. If I don’t want to take a shower, I will strip naked, turn on the shower, and climb into the tub. The rest happens after I commit to showing up. Same with literally every aspect of my life. PHP taught me to show up first, and work out the details after that.
   
   I have to give some props to Sam, because even they have talked about the value of just showing up for their self, and that’s where I initially decided to just show up on low days. But every time I just simply showed up, the magic happened, even when I didn’t care for it to. I can’t deny the power in literally just showing up.
   
3. I stopped discounting the mundane.
   I used to believe that a sleep schedule wasn’t important, so long as I got my eight hours in. Then I realized that my sleep schedule was the base factor in how I ate, how I worked, how well I worked, how I interacted with folks, etc.
   
   Same with the 15 minute battles I have in my head about showering or getting dressed or simply taking a few seconds to press buttons on my Keurig to make a cup of coffee. I often wish to bypass these things because “what does it matter?” When the truth is that cup of coffee and the eggs I’ll enjoy with it might give me enough energy to actually enjoy my day to the fullest. What may seem mundane right this minute could actually lead to a major breakthrough in my job, whether it’s gig work, being a personal assistant, or writing.
   
   The mundane is just as important as the profound, because the mundane often fuels the profound.
   
4. The goal was never about perfection, it was about consistency, progress, and reintegration.
   I used to set some really insane goals when following the IPSRT mood logs, eating schedules, and exercise. On the mood logs specifically, the goal given by the instructors and advocates was for me to log my mood five times a day. There were five options: really bad, bad, meh, good, really good. I made this massive spreadsheet that documented that, alongside when I ate, what specifically I ate, the macros, when I slept, how long, etc. None of that was required, though we were to simply eat three square meals a day with two snacks (and an additional bedtime snack for my hypoglycemic ass) and remember when we went to bed and what time we woke up. After I learned to stop moving goal posts and making things so complex that they became unmanageable, it became easier to simply do what they asked.
   
   I did learn that moving those posts was actually from a combination of complex trauma and coming back from narcissistic abuse. Once I was able to make that a realization in my head, I stopped moving the goal posts and started doing the required work. It gave me more room to spend energy on what was important and not worry about meeting goals that weren’t even necessary. Because recording progress shouldn’t be a task in and of itself, it should be a simple mark to note how I am doing.
   
   The amount of energy I had after doing just what was asked of me in this department helped me alleviate more space in other areas in which I was making mountains out of mole hills in regards to … well … everything.
   
5. IPSRT is a great way to manage and even prevent blackouts.
   Speaking of mood logs, I learned that my baseline mood is flat. “meh.” When I see myself becoming “5” (or “really good”), I need to do a check in with myself to make sure I’m not falling up into a manic spiral, since upward spirals almost always result in cliff drops. Once I started realizing why I had to mark my moods and follow steps to maintain what my baseline was, my blackouts nearly disappeared. Not completely, mind you! I had one last week, and it was a really bad one, but I never reached out, I never gave up, but I did deal with it the best way I knew how, and I never fully lost conscious awareness. And that is HUGE. Because there was a time that I’d spiral upward, crash out, and immediately be all up in Sam’s social media trying to regulate.
   
   I credit this largely to my IPSRT — I know when I need to sleep, I know when I need to do everything else…including having social interactions, and I know how to shrink it down to specific people so I don’t lose my shit. And Sam is not a friend, but someone who’s kinda been there whether they wanted to be or not, and they just weathered the storms as I went through it. Fucking bad ass of a person, they are. Tons of gratitude for their patience in this.
   
6. I have raised myself somewhat, and successfully so!
   I used to feel myself regressing into that of an injured five year old looking for his mother when I’d crash out, but now he’s somewhere around the age of eight, and not wounded, but aware of what causes the harm. Instead of looking for his mother, he is looking for me. I don’t feel many people would notice this regression more than Sam, once again. And I am not making this about Sam…just noting that my recovery was based largely on something called “the mother wound,” which was the core of my abandonment trauma.
   
   Being able to understand the nature of the mother wound, and work with myself intimately and honestly helped me grow that injured five year old into that of a slightly older, less wounded, and more understanding kid has helped me stay grounded in myself. Learning that yes I was looking for someone to basically raise me from where my mom potentially left off (even if she didn’t intend for that to be the case for me now), and learning that yes I do have the ability to provide for myself what I thought I needed from someone else…it’s huge. People who never had this level of trauma wouldn’t readily understand it. People with empathy would, however. The fact that I get it now is priceless.
   
7. I learned who was supportive and who was not by my second week in the program.
   The only people who had issue with my PHP were “those two.” And I hate to admit it, but I cut them off again. I did find out about a circle of friends who I’ve had, but when they found out I was in PHP, they became ever closer by way of texting, scheduling lunch or dinner dates, going shopping together, or even watching movies on discord or similar together. It’s unfathomable how helpful these folks have been, and I’ve learned that (once again) just showing up and being present during these outings or exchanges has been equally helpful for them.
   
   It’s insane for me to see that folks I once thought were casual friends were actually people who wanted me to succeed and be available to them if they needed me, because they trusted me. And to show it, they put themselves in places where they could access me both as a concerned friend and as someone who genuinely appreciated my presence in a room.
   
8. Naps are a secret weapon.
   When you have bipolar and complex trauma and are overwhelmed, and you have the kind of work that I have, naps are a weapon. It’s the easiest way to just shut everything off for a bit, get some sleep, and wake up with more energy and a fresh mind to tackle whatever it was that was messing with you.
   
9. I am very capable of adjusting my schedule and not having an emotional blowout over it.
   After IOP ended, I found myself more able to focus on late night work, so I started going to bed between 2 and 3 am, which is perfect if I have room to sleep until 11am. Except I seem to have more goal posts moving around simply because I am waking up later, and that freaks me out. But again, who is writing my rules? Me. Who is in charge of my show? Also me. When I ignore these stupid goal posts…there isn’t a problem. And if I ignore or omit the goal posts, I’m doing great.
   
10. I’ve reconnected with my creative side.
    The best part of all of this is finding my creative writing side again. OH the stuff I wish I could share, but all of it is under a soft NDA and I cannot. Which saying that alone just makes me so damned excited about how things are going. When the cat scan showed that trauma did in fact shrink a part of my prefrontal cortex on the right side due to the trauma (both sides, but the right side had the most negative impact), and then seeing positive changes after six weeks-ish in PHP, it makes sense that I’m starting to feel more creative or look at things from a more creative standpoint.
    
    I’m not done healing by any sense of the term in regards to what I have been through, but seeing on a cat scan the difference between before I really started healing and now…it makes sense that I’m finishing my first longform story with relative ease as opposed to not being able to actually form a full story outline three months ago.

Ten things I learned in PHP…and ten things I’m really proud of and will continue to commit to. I cannot at all be disappointed in my improvements, no matter how much I think about finding ways to self-sabotage. Even then, I would rather consciously not self-sabotage, and that says a lot for my recovery.

Missing a day of blogging is actually a good thing! The whole point of PHP for reintegration is to actually reintegrate back into life without having the shadow of trauma and such dysregulating you so bad that you cannot function. And with IPSRT, learning to find my rhythms and manage when they don’t click, being proactive about life and its unpredictable nature, and just having full productive days with enough time to rest, relax, and take care of myself — that’s kind of the goal. If you’re so tuned into actually doing those things that you can’t stop and talk about it, that’s great!

Happy and healthy are contingent on what I do, as well. Am I content? Not as much as I’d like to be, but that’s because I always see places where I could have potentially done more or better or pushed a little harder and got just a little bit more out of myself. But I am very pleased with my progress anyway. I think the idea alone that I can see where I can improve without that room for improvement turning into an overwhelming burden or sense of failure is huge in itself. And when that does begin to happen, There’s CBT and DBT skills to assist.

The IOP schedule (formerly PHP) is shrinking even more to the point that it’s not even IOP anymore, but it’s still going to be three days a week. Which means I’m not finished — I am refining.

I know back in December, I really felt like I was too far gone, too old, too conditioned, too traumatized, too messed up to find comfort again, and yet here I am comfortable. Not perfect, but I don’t have to be. Not even aiming for it. Just aiming to do a little better and push a little harder than the day before. Keep care of me, share positive with the world, and don’t take myself so damned seriously.

I’m taking a few days off from posting, as work is going to be mad this weekend with the big game going on. That and I’m also working on a couple of writing projects that require my full attention, and also have some tweaking I need to do with the blog and its pages/menu/etc. I appreciate all the views and love and reads, seeing the readers (or hits/views, not readers specifically) gave me motivation to keep working toward having positive things to write about, until I could motivate myself.

Anyway, I will return in a few days, and hopefully I’ll have this space a bit more organized by then.

Is This Even A PHP Post? Idk. But my work was SLOW today so I didn’t do it. Instead, I caught up on cleaning house and went up to the hospital to check on ye olde relative, who said she wasn’t mad at all, just stressed about the surgery…she’s fine.

Still felt like I got treated like the 5 year old who was in the way. But…again, use the skills…how someone views/treats me isn’t my responsibility, even when it hurts.

But yeah, I was on the gig work all day today and literally got no good ROI. As a matter of fact, I probably could have gone to classes and gotten more out of my day. But…I didn’t so I cleaned house and checked on the relative, as I said. While I was up there, I borrowed the spiro to check my breath and was still blowing after I hit the 4k mark. xD go me. After not smoking for 2 years (only vaping now), I thought that was kinda rad.

After that, I did some research on getting more protein and still providing my body with enough energy to do gym work and have focus all day. And I found a diet that both has decent carbs and delivers decent calories. I’ve already been on a 3 square + two snacks + bedtime snack diet that’s been giving around 2k calories. Now, I’ll be doing a cleaner version with old favorites. Here’s what I’ll be eating basically every day:

1lb ground beef (90/10)
6 eggs
10oz fresh spinach
2 pouches of tuna
about 12 saltine crackers
3 tbsp hellman’s mayo (sometimes plant based)
1 tbsp tabasco
about 4oz of colby jack cheese (shredded)
1/2 cup brown rice
a dash or three of soy sauce
6 cups of tea (3 green, 2 chamomile and/or rose, and 1 sleepy time)
1 cup of caffeinated coffee
1 cup of my “soycaff” (instant decaf coffee, tbsp hot cocoa powder, bit of powdered creamer and sweetener)

I went to the store and got 3 days worth so i can get it started, and that was a lot cheaper than i anticipated.

As I’ve said, my gym routine is basically this: every day my main goal is getting into my car, driving to the gym, parking my car, and going inside. that is the goal. but once i’m inside, i do all of the machines as if they were circuits. i’m doing high rep, low weight, slow movements. goal is to remember how to move my body since i’ve been sedentary for so long. i do like… 5, maybe 6 or even 7-8 reps depending on how long it takes to feel the muscle group i am working get warm. so we’ll say 8 sets of 12-15 reps each. like i said, low weight. just getting back into that movement.

After I do the circuit-style work, I hop on a treadmill. I put on a podcast or interview or audio drama with Sam in it and just start going. I love distance walking, and Sam is still kind of that person who motivates me, so I give their work some love while hitting 8-10km in 90 minutes. If not Sam, then I’m listening to hockey related podcasts, Mel Robbins, Brene Brown, or even David Sedaris. I did have a Christopher Buckley audio book, but I can’t remember where I got it so I can’t find it to listen to it.

And I did just realize that I could be listening to Critical Role as well. So I do have a trove of options to listen to.

The adjustments to my diet will give significantly more protein and time the carb intake to actually assist with the energy I use at the gym as well as nourish my brain a bit before bed so I can actually sleep. It’ll be around 2400 calories total, and I should still be in a decent deficit enough to be losing about 1.5-3lb of fat a week…at least in the beginning. Depending on how it pans out, I might be seeing a total of 30-50lb gone after three months, and that would be AMAZING. But…we’re not looking ahead, we’re going day by day.

Additionally, I’m taking 5gm creatine every morning, 3000ml of L-Carnitine, a multivitamin, as well as a non-stim preworkout (because it’s after my caffeine cessation time). I’m currently finishing up my VMI stuff, but I might try a different brand out after I’m finished.

Anyway, it’s really nice to not be all about the trauma lately and be looking at things I’m wanting to do to better myself…if that makes sense.

Heya folks! Ok so I have a lot of things to talk about…negatives out of the way first:

1. one of “those two” has surgery tomorrow. And decided to give me the silent treatment over the weekend up to now…so I guess I can say the last time I talked to her was 4 days ago. The surgery is one of those that has a 60% mortality rate. The silent treatment is…I actually don’t know what it’s for. I know there was a lot of push back when they found out that I was in PHP, and let me know that the other half of “those two” has it so much worse than me, and I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking about getting help for something as small as whatever I have going on. Didn’t phase me, but after I got the silent treatment before a potentially no-return surgery, no. I don’t feel selfish at all. I am taking care of myself with the resources I have available to me. People choose to be how they are. I choose to take care of me, their reaction is not my decision. Even in this case.
2. The other half of “those two” offered me some work over the weekend in exchange for enough to cover a certain big bill, and I did the work, and they suddenly became so worried about the other one that they couldn’t bear to go to the bank and withdraw the cash that they promised me for said work. So the bill will be 50% more since the due date is the day of the surgery. The thing is, the surgery was the reason they needed the work done over the weekend. I could have made the same amount just doing my gig work, but I have a heart….and they took advantage of it. It’s almost like they knew I’d be late on a bill if they did that…I don’t think they would do that but…I wonder.

Ok that’s the negative.

The good news! I’m no longer in PHP! Well I am but they halved it and it’s technically IOP now. Same class, just 3x a week, and I still have to do Saturday Zoom. So I went to class today, and within an hour of getting there, my Psych walks into the room. She motions for me to come to her, and said “we need to talk” and gave me this stern “we’re going to talk to the supervisor” look. So I was like “oh shit…” and started thinking about everything I’d done or written about. And we get there, and my coach was there as was another person I’ve been working with fairly closely since I started this. All three of them said they think it’s time for me to start branching away from PHP. Not stop it entirely, but it’s become apparent that my efforts to follow what I’m learning are starting to actually transform my life, and the PHP classes in general are actually impeding my progress. I didn’t have a blackout the week prior, I’ve not had one last week, and now I’m starting to make a schedule where I may or may not be going to bed at midnight, but I’m incorporating naps like a pro (sounds small, but it isn’t), I’m balancing work, personal time, managing my nutritional intake as well as my environmental area…and I’m actually doing really well. “marked improvement” was mentioned several times in the meeting. So I am doing a monday/wednesday/friday class schedule with saturday’s for zoom.

My coach did me a solid and talked with the team about my bill issue, and i’m off all day tomorrow, but i will be working for the whole day. It’s trying to get as close to what I owe on that bill as I can. I’m nervous as hell about it.

if anything i’ll get super close to what i owe, pay that and still have the late fee, but it’ll be a lot less of an issue than not being able to go out and earn.

anyway, yeah, things are just starting to look up even when they’re a bit “ugh” inspiring.

Just…php happened…got off at 2, gymmed until 4, rested until 6, worked until 11:30.

I have a feeling I’ll be posting a lot of “checking in” stuff just to check off the box of “i posted,” and then sharing actual decent stuff when i have time. those I’ll share on socials…ugh i don’t even know right now.

Here’s my basic schedule:

9am-2pm – php
2pm-4pm – gym
4pm-6pm – relax
6pm-almost midnight – work
midnight-8am – sleep.

so there’s that little 4-6pm window where i could write. but i’m spending it usually literally relaxing, napping, or writing stuff for actual projects. so that leaves me with a tiny window between work finishing and going to bed (it’s 1:12am now) where i’m cramming in a post. i’ll figure it out. i mean, i could literally just move “today’s” post to tomorrow where i write about yesterday’s events…nah. that’s just weird.

idk.

anyway, I bought coffee and a bagel from a place, had a great conversation with someone before leaving, and when i got to class, i realized i never finalized my purchase. so at lunch, i drove back to the place, found the server, and we fixed the situation. she wasn’t even mad, and it wasn’t like i walked on a table tab, i just paid and then forgot to finalized the PIN entry part at the register. But literally nobody was mad, which was nice. And apparently I have a reputation up there. “I knew you would come back, and if you didn’t, I knew you’d pay for it eventually.”

Gym was good. Literally showed up, walked in, and the rest just kinda fell into place (just as I anticipated, MWAHAHAHAHA — a radical stealth-care ftw). Treated all the machines like a circuit again. I need to get used to moving, I feel like a statue sometimes, and this whole “work every body part out every day” thing seems to help a lot with getting my body to move.

I did have about 15 minutes today where I was inspired by me. ME!!! Y’all do you know how important this is???????? Just this realization that as I remove these layers of defense that trauma put on me, I’m essentially a blank slate under all of it. I can do what i want and build what i need to build and make a pretty kick-ass person out of the body and person that I am. I keep hyper focusing on things like musical genre, colors, etc, but the truth is — everything about me is a blank page. Because everything I’ve done the past 10-20 years has been based on trauma. “Will I get hurt if I like x or y or z?” or “Will I be okay if I decide that so and so was the better avenger?” like these aren’t skiddish questions, they’re posed from places where i was literally hurt/injured/ostracized for liking one thing over another. So realizing today that I am the adult and I get to choose who and what I like…that’s massive. I have the autonomy to like early 90s rock…not that MRA that traumatizes me for some reason — not yet (this is a future layer!!! and I want to obliterate it so i can listen to Soundgarden and AiC without blacking out). I have the autonomy to be a Bills fan or an enjoyer of ME3MP or actually feel like all four Dragon Age games were amazing even with some nuance. Was that character forced into the script? Who fucking cares, it was an amazing game, and so was the character under scrutiny. Same reason I have an idea about Hawke being in the first game and nobody’s noticed it yet. But I forgot how I got to that idea. Again…blank slate — me — and all the work through trauma is actually revealing places that I never got to write down or flesh out.

Considering switching phone companies since my current one tries to pull out of my bank whenever it wants…but that’s later. For now, sleep calls.

I really didn’t want to post today. But I made a little promise to myself to post *something,* even if it’s not informative or enlightening. But I do have some things worth talking about. Most, as the title implies, is other people’s business.

1. One trauma note, today. Noticed a new memory come up, which explains why I have trouble leaving the house or taking a shower. It’s related to a traumatic experience (or series of them) in which one morning I was taking a shower…a violent traumatic experience at the hands of an adult happened. So now I fear getting severely injured every time I think about getting into the shower. Same with leaving the house. I’ve associated losing everything with leaving the house.
   
   I felt safer getting up super early in the morning and sneaking in and out of the bathroom as quickly as possible. And over time, I just stopped. Was too afraid to. When I got my job out of state, I ended up making it a routine to get up super early. It may have been great for the 4:30am start at work, but that was the disguise for my getting up 2.5 hours prior. So yeah.
   
   And leaving the house…long story short, I moved into a recovery place to address my alcoholism the first time back in 2014, and certain family didn’t like it, and they moved one of their maintenance workers into the place I was living in retaliation. I literally lost everything, including my cat. It was my uncle’s place that I was staying, so I technically didn’t own it. But this was family doing this to me because they didn’t want me getting help since according to them I didn’t have it as bad as (another relative). So…that finally connected to why I fear leaving the house until I actually leave.
   
   Linear — healing is not linear. It’s more layer-based than line based. Address and remove some layers, and expose other layers to light so they can be addressed next. I know with the two scenarios I just mentioned, I know if I hold my breath and just make the big step — into the shower or out of the house — the rest is cake. I do have a couple of mantras that have helped me hold my breath and take that big step that have worked with some success.
   
   – fuck off Bing Bong. a reference to the imps from our PHP ttrpg session + that bg3 adjacent side quest featuring someone’s favorite pet imp
   – time is life. makes me stop and realize I am getting freaked out over something that isn’t an issue anymore…and I need to take the step and spend time doing something other than anticipating something that happened almost 40 years ago.
   – it’s only going to be 15 minutes max. Just do it. – this actually works if I’m able to blow the fear off before it takes hold.
   
2. DWho created a discord server, so now I get to find out when he posts new stuff on his store front or youtube. Derwynn Who is one of my favorite content creators. His platform is about keeping your house clean and clutter free, and also taking care of your body. He’s the one who shared a 7 step shower routine that I modified for my own needs, which thinking about that could be a mantra in itself, come to think of it. He also shares clean air/natural scent ideas that are easy to diy together and make real in my own place.
   
3. Sam(antha Béart) is doing THREE live It Takes a Village shows at GDC this year! If you don’t know who they are, Sam is a Shakespearean trained actor with a history in audio drama who recently found their voice in video games, and they have completely geeked out over the gaming industry as a result. It Takes a Village is where they shine a light on folks working on games who don’t always get a chance to talk about their craft, and I’m here for it…except I can’t go to GDC because I’m doing PHP — sad panda! But Sam is doing us a solid – they’re going to see if GDC will put it in the vault for free viewing. I hope they can make it happen! 💛
   
4. I had a third thing but I started watching youtube videos about Yakutia; specifically, a day in the life videos, and what they eat, all the while wondering how my body would handle -50c temps if I was basically dying at -12c the other weekend. It was really neat to see the differences (and similarities) in food, and there are a few I’d love to try! There was a simple salad consisting of tomatoes, cucumbers, cilantro, and a little bit of olive oil, and I know I’ve had it before, but the vegetables were cut a bit differently, so I’d like to try the same salad with the veggies cut like they did. One interesting thing is that they often buy their milk in the shape of a frozen block or bowl, and will hang it outside their window if their freezer is too full — after all, outside is definitely cold enough to keep that block of milk frozen. Water is stored as blocks of ice, too. They also keep canned beef and will serve it over pasta — that’s a pleasure, I love canned beef over pasta, like don’t add anything else to it. heat the beef up and mix it with spaghetti noodles after draining them, don’t drain the beef though. That’s the flavoring! If you do dd anything, add some white wine sauce or alfredo — just my preferences, not related to Yakutia. If you’re interested, the videos I watched are here. 🙂
   
5. I do have some goals for this month! Since it’s Singles’ Awareness Month, I want to take myself on a date once a week every month. Nothing romantic, lol, but like…really listening to moments where I say “i’d like to do that” or “i’d like to see that” — and then actually plan for and do that thing. There’s a recently-opened sushi shop that I would love to go to, and that’d be a perfect date for myself. So I’m planning sushi and a concert or movie, and even though I don’t know any of the concerts coming up, but I’ll be looking when I get in bed later.
   
   Seriously, though, I do want to start treating myself like I’d treat a friend or someone I knew. Like treat myself like someone worth a damn. I don’t want to get all gushy, but I am starting to be inquisitive about things around me again, so I’d like to encourage that part of myself to flourish.
   
   I’m also planning to have $500 more added to my savings at the end of the month as well as have a DSLR with a decent lens kit so I can do sports photography (or whatever else) this season ahead. It will take some consistency with my job, but I know I’ll be super close to both if I am intentional about doing my job. I also may or may not have a head start on saving for that DSLR — it was a quiet goal for January, but I was still recovering from what ever the heck I caught in early December (the shortness of breath was real, though they said it wasn’t Covid)
   
   Next up — just going to the gym every day. Not worrying what I’m doing. Drive to the gym, park in the parking lot, go inside. That’s my goal for every day this month (and I did it today. And I walked on the treadmill for an hour and then treated the machines like a circuit and just did everything. But yeah. Go to the gym every day. That’s another goal.
   
   Finally, I’d like to finish the origin story for the character I am writing for on the [REDACTED] game that I’m working on. I think I will have it completed by the end of the current week, but I still want to make it a month goal, just in case.
   
   Aside from that, I think that’s it. Nothing is extremely difficult if I play it smart. I just…have to play it smart.
   

I decided that I need a full 24 hour vacation from the internet and all things work/school related. So I’m stacking self-care sunday’s activities to Saturday. Zoom was zoom, and now I’m home eating Louisana Voodoo fries from Wingstop and making a to-do list for the house. I do need to get a new book, as I’ve read everything I own, and also a couple of card packs for either MTG or Pokemon (or both!). Then I plan on just relaxing and gaming all afternoon after that list is fulfilled, and tomorrow…I may not get online.

Last night, I made a cup of chamomile tea and was planning on getting into GW2 for the evening, and I came across not one but five different posts, blatantly sharing some extremely explicit portions of the documents that shall not be named. These are from folks I added as mutuals because we had a few things in common, and I thought that these folks wouldn’t share that kind of stuff. Plus, networking on socials can lead to great connections, both professionally and colloquially. But every now and then, I come across folks that share for the shock value and clout they receive for doing so. All the of the posters (one posted 3x) were immediately blocked, and I had to sit still for about an hour before being able to move.

That kind of thing really triggers me. Like…it’s not something on the front of my mind 24/7, but what I went through when I was a child isn’t something I want to be randomly and unexpectedly reminded of in that vivid of detail via social media. So I had to really blank my brain out.

I made a distraction framework out of the following:

• MTG cards for items and situations
• The world map from the game I am writing for
• My own characters +one from said game
• Scandinavian power metal for background music (which eventually shifted to tavern metal)
• Chocolate-filled pretzels as a crunchy snack
• Water because even chocolate-filled pretzels are dry

So I wrote a couple of scenarios and actually got so immersed that I felt funny when I came to a good stopping point — the kind of funny that I felt the same way after playing Dragon Age Inquisition or Mass Effect 3 co-op for hours at a time, especially after super tough fights. Just that…instant catharsis feeling.

Then I decided fuck it, go to bed, I know it’s 10pm, but I need to go ahead and just sleep because that was bullshit what happened, and I was very much triggered. So I took my “killswitch” meds and woke up feeling a little distorted, but I slept great. Another situation handled well, perhaps? I don’t know, I have to give myself a couple of days to make damned sure that I don’t crash over it and blackout, but so far…so far so good. I’m prepared either way.

On that note, I need to go to do some self-care retail therapy and pick up a couple of nice things for myself like I planned on doing Sunday (tomorrow), but want to make tomorrow a quiet day so I can enjoy spending time with what ever I get myself, even if it’s just some cards and a book…a big clunky book.

So it turns out it was my windshield wipers that did the damage. I’ve never in the history of owning a car (I’ve owned 10 cars in my life) had this happen. But apparently the ice was so hard that the windshield wipers caught it and scraped the pieces across my windshield, and the only reason I didn’t notice was because the sleet and ice were so heavy when I used them. For four days, my car just sat there. Nobody touched it. The good news is it’s not going to cost anything to fix aside from the $25 for the stuff to repair it with because the repair place wants practice doing it. They are excellent with other car-related stuff like hail damage and dents, so I’m excited to play guinea pig, since they’ll replace the windshield or repair any damage they cause.

The older guy who refused medical attention is okay. There’s a rumor or two floating around about the details, but not my business. I do hope he’s okay and can stay that way.

One of my relatives who I ran into on Facebook made tamales, menudo, cherry cake, and a pie for me, and they’re bringing it by today while they’re out running errands. Can’t wait to see them and give them a huge hug. It’s been a very long time I saw them last, it feels like at least a decade, maybe really is a decade since I saw them. I had no idea she was back in town, so I’m stoked. I would go get it from them directly, but my hip is still jacked up, and there’s now an incredibly large bruise back there to go with it, so I’m wondering if i bumped into something and then slept on it. But I am so left-handed that I bump into everything and don’t remember.

I am also both excited and sad that this is the last day of a week full of PHP via Zoom. We have our Saturday stuff tomorrow, but that’s a normal Zoom day. I just know that doing it from home is super convenient, but also has a lot more distractions. it’s really easy to check bsky or insta and get lost in scrolling while trying to listen to the instructor or advocate give class and skills stuff. Luckily, today is now what I’m dubbing Fun and Games Friday — we’re doing TTRPG on the hour, breaking for lunch, and then finishing with the pet stress relievers that I wrote about yesterday. I actually chose my puzzle books. My stress relief is to do things that require thinking, not shutting down the thought process. I do a lot better if I have a deliberate thing to focus on instead of something to chill to, if that makes sense. My chill would be house cleaning with lofi music. Or doing puzzles that require your brain to work…with lofi music. You know, something that takes effort. I can’t really relax like a normal person. I’m either 100% all in on something or sleeping. So yeah. Give me something to focus my energy on or let me take a nap. Those are my pet stress relievers.

I know we left off at the imps – that feeling of cognitive dissonance when you know you answered something truthfully and with clarity and conviction because you know you are correct, but when you’re raised (or live) in an environment where you’re taught to second-guess yourself or being gaslit all the time, it just gnaws at you that you might be wrong.

Today’s RP is about a treasure chest we found after we went down into the next level — and there’s pouches inside with our names on it. WOAH. Is this a friendly mimic? Are we taking candy from a stranger here? No…each pouch has some hot merch – mine had a blazing red necklace with a gorgeous fire-orange amulet, some assorted jewels, coins (edible chocolate ones we get to keep, haha), and a note. This belongs to (one of) our abuser(s). This explains why we were asked about naming (to ourselves) a specific person from our pasts. Sensitivity and all that, but all of us were okay with it yesterday.

We have options: To keep it for ourselves, which would continue the connection, as the amulet has a binding hex on it. Go through the portal that opened when we opened the chest and return it to them and also confront them, or leave the stuff alone and walk away.

I’ve done all three, historically. I’ve ghosted most of my abusers. I’ve also confronted others, then walked away. I’ve confronted and kept the very distant connection active, because for me, family is scarce. I’ve also kept a couple around despite it being potentially harmful. With the one I had in mind, I just left the stuff there. They lost it here, they can come and get it. Not my problem anymore.

The point was that all three of these options are legitimate. It’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to how to handle your connection to those who hurt you. But just as you grow away from it, they do as well, and some actively try to be better people after the fact. Does that mean they deserve to be in your life still? Not at all, but that’s up to you. You can let them go, confront them, or keep the memories…which still have a sort of attachment quality to them.

Time to talk about pet stress relievers! Anyway, good class, today. We go back to in person classes on Monday.

Can’t believe I’ve posted almost every day this month! I plan to keep it up until I reach day 90 of PHP. Will be interesting to see where I am then as opposed to now. But for now, and as always, I’m thinking about changing/adding some stuff.

Gaming, anyone?

First, I’m starting to be relaxed enough to talk about gaming again, to actually be in streams again, and to read about new releases when I’m not doing PHP work or working at my job. So I know that’s going to be making a comeback into my writing cycles somehow. I might just talk about new releases or who’s writing/directing/acting in which new games that I’m personally interested in. There’s so many options. I do know that I’m extremely guarded when it comes to talking to or interacting with people I don’t know well, for obvious reasons, but I’ll be in the cozy streams where I feel most at ease. And for what it’s worth, I’ve made an alt account to avoid old ghosts coming back my direction.

Any Villagers out there?

I also think I know a way to write about my favorite podcast, It Takes a Village, without losing the context of the conversation, personalizing it too much, or turning the posts into generic commentaries. It seems like every episode (including season one) has a takeaway or a theme. It would be a lot of fun to go back and rewatch all of the episodes, find that one theme, and take what is said about the theme and talk about how it can translate into personal development or maybe just talk about what a great concept that theme is. That show was the embodiment of coziness when it was live-streamed (and when I watched it while living in a homeless shelter over a year ago), and I just love it as it is, now.

I also know that I’m aiming to get back into the gym, and it’d be grand to start writing about that. The only reason I didn’t start this week was last weekend’s aftereffects still hovering, plus I kinda did a grand finale and slept wrong on my hip last night. But I’ve plans to go, and am quite excited about getting into it. I also kinda geek out about nutrition, supplements, and routines, so if I do get back into it and start writing about it…well…it’ll be as informative as it will be fun to write about.

I also picked up a very tiny job – usually doesn’t take more than about 4 hours of my time on the weekends, and pays handsomely (I can pay my rent with this job alone). So that will probably show up sometimes when I write as well.

Anyway, to finish, I made a playlist the other night when I was cleaning, and it’s become background music for pretty much any time I’m at home. I made it with the vision of cleaning up in a ramen shop after hours. You know, steam rising from the water-filled reservoirs where the noodle pans were. The cook in the back, hidden by the curtains, putting everything away. The cashier and server both working to sweep and mop and finish bussing tables. Only a few lights on, so the neon signs outside the place are illuminating its interior. And this lofi music inspired by Nujabes is playing softly from the cook’s old shortwave or am radio. It’s 24 songs, about an hour long. Enjoy!