I really didn’t want to post today. But I made a little promise to myself to post *something,* even if it’s not informative or enlightening. But I do have some things worth talking about. Most, as the title implies, is other people’s business.
- One trauma note, today. Noticed a new memory come up, which explains why I have trouble leaving the house or taking a shower. It’s related to a traumatic experience (or series of them) in which one morning I was taking a shower…a violent traumatic experience at the hands of an adult happened. So now I fear getting severely injured every time I think about getting into the shower. Same with leaving the house. I’ve associated losing everything with leaving the house.
I felt safer getting up super early in the morning and sneaking in and out of the bathroom as quickly as possible. And over time, I just stopped. Was too afraid to. When I got my job out of state, I ended up making it a routine to get up super early. It may have been great for the 4:30am start at work, but that was the disguise for my getting up 2.5 hours prior. So yeah.
And leaving the house…long story short, I moved into a recovery place to address my alcoholism the first time back in 2014, and certain family didn’t like it, and they moved one of their maintenance workers into the place I was living in retaliation. I literally lost everything, including my cat. It was my uncle’s place that I was staying, so I technically didn’t own it. But this was family doing this to me because they didn’t want me getting help since according to them I didn’t have it as bad as (another relative). So…that finally connected to why I fear leaving the house until I actually leave.
Linear — healing is not linear. It’s more layer-based than line based. Address and remove some layers, and expose other layers to light so they can be addressed next. I know with the two scenarios I just mentioned, I know if I hold my breath and just make the big step — into the shower or out of the house — the rest is cake. I do have a couple of mantras that have helped me hold my breath and take that big step that have worked with some success.
– fuck off Bing Bong. a reference to the imps from our PHP ttrpg session + that bg3 adjacent side quest featuring someone’s favorite pet imp
– time is life. makes me stop and realize I am getting freaked out over something that isn’t an issue anymore…and I need to take the step and spend time doing something other than anticipating something that happened almost 40 years ago.
– it’s only going to be 15 minutes max. Just do it. – this actually works if I’m able to blow the fear off before it takes hold. - DWho created a discord server, so now I get to find out when he posts new stuff on his store front or youtube. Derwynn Who is one of my favorite content creators. His platform is about keeping your house clean and clutter free, and also taking care of your body. He’s the one who shared a 7 step shower routine that I modified for my own needs, which thinking about that could be a mantra in itself, come to think of it. He also shares clean air/natural scent ideas that are easy to diy together and make real in my own place.
- Sam(antha Béart) is doing THREE live It Takes a Village shows at GDC this year! If you don’t know who they are, Sam is a Shakespearean trained actor with a history in audio drama who recently found their voice in video games, and they have completely geeked out over the gaming industry as a result. It Takes a Village is where they shine a light on folks working on games who don’t always get a chance to talk about their craft, and I’m here for it…except I can’t go to GDC because I’m doing PHP — sad panda! But Sam is doing us a solid – they’re going to see if GDC will put it in the vault for free viewing. I hope they can make it happen! 💛
- I had a third thing but I started watching youtube videos about Yakutia; specifically, a day in the life videos, and what they eat, all the while wondering how my body would handle -50c temps if I was basically dying at -12c the other weekend. It was really neat to see the differences (and similarities) in food, and there are a few I’d love to try! There was a simple salad consisting of tomatoes, cucumbers, cilantro, and a little bit of olive oil, and I know I’ve had it before, but the vegetables were cut a bit differently, so I’d like to try the same salad with the veggies cut like they did. One interesting thing is that they often buy their milk in the shape of a frozen block or bowl, and will hang it outside their window if their freezer is too full — after all, outside is definitely cold enough to keep that block of milk frozen. Water is stored as blocks of ice, too. They also keep canned beef and will serve it over pasta — that’s a pleasure, I love canned beef over pasta, like don’t add anything else to it. heat the beef up and mix it with spaghetti noodles after draining them, don’t drain the beef though. That’s the flavoring! If you do dd anything, add some white wine sauce or alfredo — just my preferences, not related to Yakutia. If you’re interested, the videos I watched are here. 🙂
- I do have some goals for this month! Since it’s Singles’ Awareness Month, I want to take myself on a date once a week every month. Nothing romantic, lol, but like…really listening to moments where I say “i’d like to do that” or “i’d like to see that” — and then actually plan for and do that thing. There’s a recently-opened sushi shop that I would love to go to, and that’d be a perfect date for myself. So I’m planning sushi and a concert or movie, and even though I don’t know any of the concerts coming up, but I’ll be looking when I get in bed later.
Seriously, though, I do want to start treating myself like I’d treat a friend or someone I knew. Like treat myself like someone worth a damn. I don’t want to get all gushy, but I am starting to be inquisitive about things around me again, so I’d like to encourage that part of myself to flourish.
I’m also planning to have $500 more added to my savings at the end of the month as well as have a DSLR with a decent lens kit so I can do sports photography (or whatever else) this season ahead. It will take some consistency with my job, but I know I’ll be super close to both if I am intentional about doing my job. I also may or may not have a head start on saving for that DSLR — it was a quiet goal for January, but I was still recovering from what ever the heck I caught in early December (the shortness of breath was real, though they said it wasn’t Covid)
Next up — just going to the gym every day. Not worrying what I’m doing. Drive to the gym, park in the parking lot, go inside. That’s my goal for every day this month (and I did it today. And I walked on the treadmill for an hour and then treated the machines like a circuit and just did everything. But yeah. Go to the gym every day. That’s another goal.
Finally, I’d like to finish the origin story for the character I am writing for on the [REDACTED] game that I’m working on. I think I will have it completed by the end of the current week, but I still want to make it a month goal, just in case.
Aside from that, I think that’s it. Nothing is extremely difficult if I play it smart. I just…have to play it smart.
