Just…php happened…got off at 2, gymmed until 4, rested until 6, worked until 11:30.
I have a feeling I’ll be posting a lot of “checking in” stuff just to check off the box of “i posted,” and then sharing actual decent stuff when i have time. those I’ll share on socials…ugh i don’t even know right now.
Here’s my basic schedule:
9am-2pm – php
2pm-4pm – gym
4pm-6pm – relax
6pm-almost midnight – work
midnight-8am – sleep.
so there’s that little 4-6pm window where i could write. but i’m spending it usually literally relaxing, napping, or writing stuff for actual projects. so that leaves me with a tiny window between work finishing and going to bed (it’s 1:12am now) where i’m cramming in a post. i’ll figure it out. i mean, i could literally just move “today’s” post to tomorrow where i write about yesterday’s events…nah. that’s just weird.
idk.
anyway, I bought coffee and a bagel from a place, had a great conversation with someone before leaving, and when i got to class, i realized i never finalized my purchase. so at lunch, i drove back to the place, found the server, and we fixed the situation. she wasn’t even mad, and it wasn’t like i walked on a table tab, i just paid and then forgot to finalized the PIN entry part at the register. But literally nobody was mad, which was nice. And apparently I have a reputation up there. “I knew you would come back, and if you didn’t, I knew you’d pay for it eventually.”
Gym was good. Literally showed up, walked in, and the rest just kinda fell into place (just as I anticipated, MWAHAHAHAHA — a radical stealth-care ftw). Treated all the machines like a circuit again. I need to get used to moving, I feel like a statue sometimes, and this whole “work every body part out every day” thing seems to help a lot with getting my body to move.
I did have about 15 minutes today where I was inspired by me. ME!!! Y’all do you know how important this is???????? Just this realization that as I remove these layers of defense that trauma put on me, I’m essentially a blank slate under all of it. I can do what i want and build what i need to build and make a pretty kick-ass person out of the body and person that I am. I keep hyper focusing on things like musical genre, colors, etc, but the truth is — everything about me is a blank page. Because everything I’ve done the past 10-20 years has been based on trauma. “Will I get hurt if I like x or y or z?” or “Will I be okay if I decide that so and so was the better avenger?” like these aren’t skiddish questions, they’re posed from places where i was literally hurt/injured/ostracized for liking one thing over another. So realizing today that I am the adult and I get to choose who and what I like…that’s massive. I have the autonomy to like early 90s rock…not that MRA that traumatizes me for some reason — not yet (this is a future layer!!! and I want to obliterate it so i can listen to Soundgarden and AiC without blacking out). I have the autonomy to be a Bills fan or an enjoyer of ME3MP or actually feel like all four Dragon Age games were amazing even with some nuance. Was that character forced into the script? Who fucking cares, it was an amazing game, and so was the character under scrutiny. Same reason I have an idea about Hawke being in the first game and nobody’s noticed it yet. But I forgot how I got to that idea. Again…blank slate — me — and all the work through trauma is actually revealing places that I never got to write down or flesh out.
Considering switching phone companies since my current one tries to pull out of my bank whenever it wants…but that’s later. For now, sleep calls.
