I should have written this sooner. Rumination + letting up on IPSRT stuff led to another blackout…alas, we learn and grow. Learn and grow.
Man, I was doing so good, too. I’m still sober, still on track with meds, as they say, but like…I guess as fresh as everything is, I really have to stay on top of myself. I can’t be lax on IPSRT, as I said, spending a an hour of extra doom scrolling on social media to get my mind off it, which led to a reminder, which sent me into a spiral. One thing IPSRT has shown me is that following it to the letter actually works. And when I don’t, I crash and burn. I can’t just say “I can take the night off.” Because I just can’t. If I do, someone’s going to get a notification. I wish I could blame this on alcohol. At least I wouldn’t feel like a psycho. Or a monster. Not that randomly tagging people during streams of thought is a monstrosity, but tell that to people who label me. Moreso, tell that to the inner child who feels let down or even afraid again.
I won’t talk about what happened specifically, because what other people think of me really is none of my business, but… (deep breath, long sigh…adding “college words” so be ready)
Calling someone “parasocial” and “covert narcissist” is a shitty way to pathologize or empathize with someone recovering from complex ptsd. It was letting those two labels rot in my head since they were said in my company a few weeks ago that I started drawing comparisons and staying up all night trying to find meaning of it (as in, actually trying to put myself in those molds since everything used to be my fault anyway…a thought process I’m trying to get out of still). I spiraled and blacked out over it. So yes, it was my fault. I should have strictly adhered to the rule of no social media within 2 hours of bedtime no matter what, and I didn’t. I chose to go places that would scare me, and I chose to go to social to make myself feel better. And somewhere in that, I lost track of what I was doing. And I take full responsibility. It just really hurts to be called things that both freak me out and that hurt me. Because all I took from that moment a few weeks ago was, “you are a creep, and you are just like the people who tried to put you away for a decade.”
As if everything I’m trying to do to get better is for naught.
First off, I’m not fucking parasocial. To be that, one must believe there’s an actual relationship going on of some sort. If I were in a better mood, I’d joke about it being a relationshit. Because I’ve been a shit about how I relate to someone, but it’s definitely not parasocial. I’ve explained all over this (and every other) blog — all here now) that my CNS decided that the first person they felt safe/secure around was also going to be the healer of something called the mother wound…which my psych likes to remind me that “it’s actually a family wound because your whole family sucked with very few exceptions.” When you’re traumatized at present, you essentially approach things from the age at which the trauma happened. I was anywhere from 4-28 for most of it, then 33-45 for the remainder. So who knows how old I act when I’d black out…alcohol or not. But I was usually acting from the place of a child. I always felt like a wounded child with no clothes on (or just underwear) in the middle of an unplowed pasture or desert. Which is very specific to locations I was at when the worst things happened. That’s all it is. It’s not like “oh we’re friends and I’m telling everyone.” It’s “I’m deeply and sincerely sorry that my inner traumatized child believes you actually can save him but I’m actively making a practice of trusting myself enough to be where he put you so that I can do it…it’s my responsibility, after all, not yours. I really do appreciate your patience and forbearance in ways that words can’t really convey, though.”
And narcissist…covert at that. To even assert such a thing would show a lack of understanding of complex trauma and recovery therefrom. For one, narcissists do not feel intense or even debilitating guilt or shame for their actions. I feel like giving up (the permanent way) at the smallest infractions, sometimes. Which I learned (thanks therapy) that even those thoughts come from experiences: for example,”I don’t even know why I’m alive” comes directly from what someone used to tell me all the time when I was a kid. “You’re worthless,” they would say. “I don’t even know why you’re alive.” Verbatim. Not only that, but I want to change, I want to heal. I don’t want to be the toxic party in a group. I also don’t want people whispering about me or saying things about me that are unfair.
And to accuse me of playing the victim — I ***was*** a victim my whole life, it’s not an exaggeration, and I’m trying to get out of that mentality. You don’t just go through 45 years of being intentionally hurt by almost two dozen people over and over again and say “yay I’m free let’s go get a pizza.” It fucks you up and you spend the majority of the rest of your life grieving family you’ll never see again, grieving the person you could have been, longing for parental closeness you never had, getting physically ill when you see families eating together at a restaurant because it’s a reminder of what you never had, of wondering why sex is scary…there’s a lot of places I don’t go because it reminds me of things I shouldn’t have gone through. This isn’t something you leave behind and just forget about. It’s complex, it’s complicated, and it’s difficult to navigate alone, even when you have friends, a trauma informed coach, and a psychologist at your side.
Complaining about someone instead of addressing the issue directly is gossip. By choosing to vent to others instead of speaking with the person who can actually make a difference, you’re saying that you don’t want to solve the problem — you just want validation. You prefer being right over being uncomfortable. Team morale doesn’t break down because of one difficult conversation; rather, it falls apart when people avoid dealing with issues head-on. Stop talking about someone you won’t talk to.
Nothing ever truly gets resolved in rooms where the person being discussed is not present to hear or respond. And if it’s not directly your concern, chances are it won’t be addressed or improved simply because you want to involve yourself or make it your business. Without the right people involved, meaningful change is unlikely to happen. And as for me, I have my stuff covered. Or am working on it. I have my support, I have my friends who are local and distant and supportive through and through, they are encouragers and they listen, and they understand both perspectives when I lament to them about things I feel guilty about.
Thank God I’m sober, because I see what I did wrong, and it’s an easy fix — literally “follow IPSRT and do not let up.” I understand why, now. It causes me a lot of grief, and the truth is the other party probably just blew it off like I was having one of my moments. Because the latter is what happened. And the former is me trying to beat myself up.
But the fact that I a)feel condemnation for a random unnecessary tag and b)feel like I need to explain myself — and have been fighting tooth and nail to add yet another notification to the pile of things I’d feel guilty for — is just bullshit. Because by my history’s standards, I’m actually doing really well with everything. I’ve blacked out I think twice since I finished IPSRT. And I used to do it all the damned time. I was constantly terrified of getting in trouble or getting hurt if I didn’t do that to myself first. And I refuse to be fearful. I’m making a point to not be mean to myself. I’m trying to do what I think certain people in my life would do if they were in my situation…I’ve a handful of friends and acquaintances who practice the concept of Radical Self-Care, so I no longer just get it in bits and pieces from someone I don’t know who is far away and the rest from a book or three, I see it first-hand from several people I know. I’m practicing gratitude for the moment, and I’m making sure I know I don’t require punishment for something insignificant in the grand scope of things.
The fact that I have to refer to someone who really inspired me to change my life and really try to heal as “someone I don’t know who is far away” for fear of looking parasocial is also bullshit. They inspired me. I think the world of them. That’s nobody’s business.
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