So I engaged in some much needed retail therapy. I bought some new pants, new shirts, new shoes, and a new planner. All of which was under $150. I was really happy with that, because I tend to live on the frugal side since none of my income comes from a stable source — just side projects. But seven pants, 4 shirts, nice shoes, and even a planner? I think I did very well.
On the list of things I got were three black pants, three blue pants (different shades/hues), and some very light grey pants. I got 3 black shirts and a brown shirt, and also a pair of black Skechers.
After that, I met with my coach, and I told her about my thoughts and feelings since we did the deep dive into my past. The truth is that I’ve been very angry. Angry at those people, and angry at my self to the point of exhaustion. My coach reminds me that I’ve been doing the best I could do with the resources I’ve had this whole time. Lately has been better (and progressively so) specifically because I’ve been intent on recovering.
The goal, just like we talked about last week, is to simply keep up the practice of sitting with the emotions that I feel, don’t stop myself or shame myself for feeling them, and let them run their course. Don’t feed them. Keep functioning with and focusing on sense of normalcy, and basically don’t stop, because the anger is actually healthy. She said it’s part of grief.
Here’s the part where I audibly pouted at her. She asked me when I start feeling worse. I said at night. Then it’s starting to carry over into my daytime, so I’m just feeling my feels all night, and then being a real irritable stinky sack of garbo all day, and she said “I knew that, actually, I wanted you to be honest about it.” She handed me a small box that was printed like gift wrap. I opened it and there was a sleep watch. She wants me to log my sleep cycles, and stated that, even though I’m a grown-ass adult, to try to go to sleep at a “reasonable” hour.
I knew this, but I hear it better when someone else tells me: the reason I’m having a shit time with my emotions is because I’m not building a place where I can breathe away from them. I come home, disengage with everything but my thoughts, and then stay up until 3:30am worrying, trying to reason with my emotions, and fighting the clinginess that comes with them. Like when I would drink, but my inhibitions would be out the door and I’d cling without limits. Clinging is a response to my own self-retraumatization from the incessant worrying.
I need to hit the sack at a reasonable time, I need to sleep a full eight hours (or close to it), and I need to stick with that morning routine, because those are major areas of my life where I can safely and comfortably disengage from those thoughts without giving them more strength than they need. “They want me down.” This is them keeping me down, so it is imperative that I ignore that worry and to quote Samuel L Jackson, “go the fuck to sleep.”
It’s 8:20pm right now, and I’ve set a goal of going to bed around 10pm with midnight as the absolute cutoff. I already have my melatonin ready and am watching Midsomer Murders and eating parmesan crisps because nothing else looks good on tv and I don’t feel like cooking. I also like Midsomer Murders.
Speaking of things I like, my coach also wants me to start making lists of things that I interest me that I have access to — or taking note of things that garner my interest, as she thinks it will help me with my chronic overthinking lately (it’s not just lately). Like, of course I’m interested in all things trauma recovery, but we’re talking something a little lighter that I can both enjoy and talk about with others. Which is terrifying to me, because what if people are assholes? God forbid we have another Dragon Age or similar.
My coach believes I already know what I like, but something makes me fearful of exploring it. I…tend to believe she is right. I know what I like, I’m just…I don’t feel worthy of liking it. But if it is like it used to be, the solution to that worthiness is in the subject itself. It isn’t trauma recovery…but it is related to personal development, and in a way, involves an aspect of trauma recovery. Okay, fine, I am a nerd for the logos and labels, the uses of various items involved, the method to get from point a to point b and how different people physically respond to different methods. It’s also something that makes people feel good about themselves, just like it has with me in the past. There are a ton of folks who engage in this subject on the daily, and some revolve their entire lives around it. It’s also super rare to find an abject asshole, though they do exist.
My coach also wants me to consider going to church again (there’s an amazing church here that I love and would be very happy going back to) so that I could meet some new friends or at least get something spiritual in my life. I protest a little, but my faith is important to me, and I need to make time to honor that as well.
I don’t know why, but just writing all of this gives me hope. It makes me feel like I do have some control of myself despite being so overwhelmed and exhausted from the anger that I’ve been feeling for quite some time. I could even lop confusion and embarrassment into the mix because I don’t get mad. I just don’t. I get hurt. I cry. I blame myself. Now, I’m blaming the proper people. Now I’m expressing my ire toward those who wanted to hurt me. Yet there’s no closure because even they are far gone…most of them, anyway.
And if it is grief, then perhaps this is where I find the things I can take joy in as a manner of bargaining with myself — as in, a way to discover that I don’t need to bargain with myself because I never left me. I was merely doing the best I could with the resources that I’ve had at the time.