I’m restarting the blog. I initially started the blog on the 25th of August, and was very upbeat about getting it launched. I had all these plans to write about something I love (radical self-care, mental health, emotional wellbeing, self-improvement, gaming, music, books, etc) while also touching upon life experience in the form of CTSD (continuous traumatic stress disorder) and my recovery from abandonment trauma. I’m getting so much better with it, but I’ve kinks to work out still. I often believe that the kinks prevent me from having the ability/status to write about it. My goal with this blog, unlike previous ones, is to avoid direct personal conversation without losing my personal experience.
Last April (2024), I started a reflective online journal after being inspired to address and move on from a decade of living in a narcissistic environment, which was the bookend of a life of traumatic abuse. The blog’s vibe changed course when I moved into a homeless shelter and began experiencing something called limerence – non romantic, yet hyper-focused on maintaining a meaningful connection. Due to my history, I didn’t want closeness, just the idea of having someone in my corner who wouldn’t go away. Due to my lengthy history with so many adults who were inconsistent and unavailable – both emotionally and physically – hugs were taboo on one side of my family, for example – the idea that I could improve myself and also maintain a distant connection gave me a sense of purpose and hope. Shortly after I moved into my own place, a conversation with a third party who had malicious intent went unexpectedly sour, shattering the fragile veneer of that avoidant attachment, I fell into a deep alcohol relapse for the better part of five months.
While it reads like a tragedy, those events actually helped me to see what was going on in my head, even if I couldn’t directly articulate it due to my lifelong experience of having to omit or cover up for when things actually hurt. All of the writing and dumping I would do with my blog, back then, became the blueprint that my coach and I used to navigate the heart of abandonment trauma. As a result, I still have kinks to work out, but I’m getting so much better with personal boundaries and self-advocating on the fly, though my turtle-up phase (a series of things I do when I recognize myself going downhill) could use some work.
It took a year and a half of effort, but I can finally say that I have over 150 days continuous sobriety, and in the last 512 days (since I started attempting sobriety), I only drank 67 times, even including the times during the five-month relapse. Hourly work where I live sucks, but I have enough side projects that I’m staying afloat and then some. I am indeed writing, including two fictional works in progress, my memoir of the events of last year, and though it makes some folks cringe when I say it, I’m also writing for a video game. I am also an avid photographer, currently working on an online gallery where one could potentially purchase the images (and maybe one that’s in person). Lastly, I do spend a lot of time in the gym, but my focus has sharply zoomed in on powerlifting and endurance again. I’ll eventually get back into cardio.
For the blog, I have a ton of content coming up, including four podcasts I’ve listened to recently that resonated with me, three indie game reviews, write-ups on my two favorite video games, music playlists (from Spotify), a few list pieces, a musing on some creepy bugs, some photo galleries, two op/eds, and a piece about how I turn a narrated story into something surreal. I am also considering writing a book from outline to finish “live” on this blog. I might even take this idea and use it to breathe life back into a very old idea that I’ve hovered over for several years, now. I do know that, by the end of the week, I will have at least one post for every category.
I’m still planning pages, and am attempting to craft a better about page, too.
In the meantime, it’s good to be back.