Holy shit…I would ask what else can happen, today, but there is still daylight outside.
First, something on my heart – I feel really bad for what I did yesterday. But I had to do it. I knew something was up, but I didn’t know what. Now that I’ve committed to my decision, I see that I was being problematic. It wasn’t intentional, but it doesn’t matter. I was still an issue. I got caught in the cycle of overcorrecting and overediting myself, and trying to fix something that wasn’t actually a problem, which made the issue worse. This behavior is directly associated with my abandonment trauma, and I didn’t realize I was doing it until I had time to think about it.
This doesn’t change the fact that I felt very excluded and even avoided in most conversations. But noticing this trend is what made me realize something was wrong. It felt a lot like this:
My decision yesterday was not out of malice. It was to help create the space needed to regain my own footing…and let someone else breathe. Maybe over time, things will smooth over and I can return, but…I guess you could say I’ve put myself on injured reserves until I can sort my shit out.
I didn’t close the door completely. I just put a boundary up for myself where I cannot enforce one under normal circumstances. It’s radical self-care…and maybe radical self-care by proxy. I don’t like doing it. It’s uncomfortable. But nobody’s inconvenienced. Everyone’s going to be fine.
Anyway, what happened today could have taken two weeks, but the universe decided to serve sweaty ass to me. Involved is one broken hip, a broken leg, stitches, and getting bit by a cat. I’m also going to miss one of the funerals this weekend, and another one chose in their will to be cremated, so we’re having a memorial.
I can talk about the cat. So I went to check on the fur babies, and I kept hearing a tired “meeeew” and looked up and saw a cat foot jammed in between the board slats in the fence. Like any idiot, I reached over the fence to help out the cat, thinking it was Bo, but it turned out to be Kevin, who laid her teeth into me pretty hard but not enough to to major damage. It was a defensive bite, not an attack.
I ran to get through the neighbor’s gate and it was locked, so I got the folding chair off the porch and used a hammer to break the boards so she would fall without being submitted to more pain. When she landed, she darted for the shed in the neighbor’s yard, left foot tucked way underneath. I couldn’t tell if it was broken or not, and am hoping it isn’t bad. But there was a lot of blood dots, and she definitely lost at least one claw. I texted the neighbor but haven’t heard back from her yet.
I remembered I had witch hazel in my car, which isn’t alcohol, but I doused my hand with it until I could get alcohol. I’ve been monitoring it, but aside from local swelling around one of the punctures, there’s nothing to worry about.
I also took it upon myself to clean someone’s house while they’re in the hospital. I gotta say I’m pretty proud of how good it looks so far…it is far from done but I got a lot of the big stuff out of the way. There’s plenty more to do, but it’s moving along nicely.
Add to that my website being taken down temporarily…when I asked to renew hosting, I forgot to ask about renewing the domain itself. OOPS. But it’s up again, and I am going through old posts and seeing what I want to continue sharing under my current theme of dream logic.
What else…today was full of a lot of injury and introspection. Just hoping everyone finds the healing they need, and hoping the same for myself.