Hate is such a negative word. We are raised to hate bad things and love good things. We’re innately inclined to avoid certain behaviors because we know naturally that they are wrong or potentially dangerous. We don’t grab snakes because we know they could harm us. We find safety in the shelter of our homes when the weather is bad. We avoid flame because we know it hurts. However, we can still accept these things in our environment, even if it is within our control to remove or avoid. We are even conditioned to tolerate or even accept things that we dislike about ourselves, as well. Some call this a form of self-acceptance, even when it is within our control to change.
This tolerance grows from seeds over time, seeds that tell us it’s not that big of an issue, that it could be unsafe to address it, or that we might feel guilty for rectifying it and feeling better. Peer pressure, trauma, and life priorities all contribute to learning to accept the status quo for what it is. “I know I am uncomfortable,” one might say, “but I don’t need to change anything. Everything’s fine.” The truth is, tolerance becomes a rug of excuses that this problem area is swept under. It never changes, so you keep sweeping the residual under the rug, and before you know it, you have a mound that’s unavoidable. “It is what it is.” Is it really, though? You’ve become accustomed to stepping around it until you can no longer avoid it. You develop such an extreme dislike for this thing that you can no longer ignore it.
You must change it.
The change begins once you decide to change it. It is a messy journey, one rife with chaos and uncertainty, and every time you notice positive aspects and indicators along your journey from what you dislike, the universe will double down on the fact that you are still painfully closer to where you started, but you must keep going. You have to, for your sake and no one else’s. Because at the end of the day, nobody is watching you as closely as you are, and nobody will be let down more than you will be, should you decide to stop the process. This is why you keep going: because you hate it enough to change.
This is the foundation of discovering and empowering your radical self. It’s an act of finding the parts about you that you tolerate and transforming them into things that you love. GK Chesterton talks about this in a way: his paradox of hate essentially explains that you have to hate the world enough to change it, but love it enough to believe it is worth changing. Changing yourself — changing these aspects of yourself that you tolerate — is an act of radical self-love.
Self-love is the universal quality within yourself where you possess the ability to both identify the negatives and adjust your habits in order to transfer those negatives into positives. There are seven major areas of your self where you might find these problem areas: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, environmental, recreational, and social. Let’s take a look at how each area would be observed:
Physical
Everything about your body falls under the physical pillar: your nutrition, activity level, overall health, cleanliness, the clothing you wear, and general presentation of self.
Mental
Everything about your mind falls under the mental pillar: your cognitive abilities, focus, learning, problem-solving skills, and overall mindset.
Emotional
Everything about how you feel falls under the emotional pillar: recognizing, understanding, and processing your feelings and how they influence your behavior and interactions.
Spiritual
Everything about your sense of purpose and values falls under the spiritual pillar: connecting with what feels greater than yourself, aligning your actions with your beliefs, and nurturing inner meaning.
Environmental
Everything about your surroundings falls under the environmental pillar: the spaces you occupy, their organization, cleanliness, and aesthetics, and how they affect your energy, focus, and well-being.
Recreational
Everything about your play and creative outlets falls under the recreational pillar: the activities you enjoy, hobbies you pursue, and ways you express yourself to maintain balance and personal fulfillment.
Social
Everything about your relationships falls under the social pillar: the people you connect with, the support and challenges they provide, and the quality of your interactions and communication.
Each of these areas canvass almost every single aspect of your life, and when one falls short of your joy, it can knock other areas out of whack as well. Not getting a good breakfast will affect your energy level at work. Having a disheveled house can cause you to feel distracted when progressing on a creative project. Not getting enough sleep will definitely affect your physical activity sessions and even your overall mood. What is important is to find a way to catch the tow line and jump into change at your best opportunity.
There’s many methods and resources for initiating and following through with change: therapy, group meetings, gyms, parks, third places, coffee and book shops, spiritual and creative centers, podcasts, books, and so many more. At the end of the day, it’s up to you to take full advantage of these things, excuses removed, and focus on the effort to achieve the results you want. You can have the community and you can have the support, but you have to be in it, too.
Remember: the best changes take time. Change is also not a straight line. You will plateau, you will reach many apexes, valleys, and curves on the way. Use your tools, your resources, and do whatever it takes to stay motivated. With every step you take, you’ll find you’re doing more than just changing, you’re becoming your radical self.