I blacked out on Monday I think. Or maybe it was Tuesday. Either way, it sucked and I’ve felt miserable. We do know where they come from, and I kinda wanted to not talk about anymore, because I feel like I’m over-explaining or it doesn’t matter. But we did figure out that the triggering event is always something that I get authentically excited about, and then I have a ptsd response to the feeling of joy itself.
Basically something happens, I get excited, and then I panic (a literal attack) because I remember that joy brought shame, mockery, humiliation, or even abandonment for awhile in my younger life. Add to the mix a manic issue, which can either be triggered by this event, help trigger this event, or be active already when the event occurs, and I’ve gone from joy to fear, and am spilling stream of consciousness because the pressure needs to be released. Since I am by default not an angry person, I’m not being violent or angry or aggressive or threatening, it’s just words, random memories, and squirrelling.
I thought the meds would be preventing this from happening, and they might as it continues to load into my system, but I’ve been on them for a month. I feel like it should have been different. It was a little bit different – I did say twice that I was mindful, which means that I might have been trying to stay present despite losing myself. In other words, I may have known I was blacking out while I was blacking out. I also wonder if I could feel it before hand, though I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember the stream of consciousness/monologues on bsky, I don’t remember the DMs with three friends, I don’t remember giving someone my phone number (it’s okay, we should have exchanged it ages ago)…I don’t remember walking across the street to get some burritos at 2am (the receipt said 2am and that it was a dine-in order). So…it was a hell of a blackout.
I was so humiliated. Embarrassed, ashamed…my entire life’s self-defense has always been humor or compliments or good stories or attempts at identifying with people, and I’ve also had those used against me and there I went overdoing just that in public, without a filter, and without any memory of it. It’s my way of saying I’m in extreme duress and I need help, but people just ignore me. Which is fine, what can you do for someone who’s in complete blackout besides come hold my hand, make me make eye contact, and start repeating words you say until I snap out of it?
The only thing that kept me from going to the ER the next morning was how they’re treating folks like me lately. It’s weird knowing you have everything you need to literally make sure the blackouts never happen again and not wanting to die, but not being able to be honest about your situation because you’re afraid they’ll incarcerate you instead…for existing. That, and I had an emergency meeting with my psych planned.
I was a little shocked that she really didn’t know how much I hated myself. She knew I was struggling with sleep and also that I was having difficulty socializing, but she didn’t know that I was being mean to myself when I didn’t meet my own shifting standards and would give up on myself or the day more often than not.
She insisted we change directions on therapy and go full-sail into actual treatment…like clinically supervised treatment, because it’s apparent that the CBT wasn’t doing anything (my brain goes too fast for it, still), the talk therapy was a great way to let off steam, and the bipolar group were serving their purpose, but I’m still not making any headway. There’s small things — I’ll have a month or two if perfect routines (I innately know I need my routines – callback to Sam’s autograph lol — sry), perfect timing, good socialization, and not blacking out…but then I’ll crash and burn the following month, with blackouts, the inability to do anything at all (anhedonia with a side of lethargy, anyone?), and coming frog hair-close to getting kicked out for not paying rent.
She decided to get me started on IPSRT starting Monday. It will be a part of a partial hospitalization. I’ll be in class 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. It’s a 12 week course. We will talk about mood management, learning to listen to yourself and act accordingly (as in, it’s okay to turn off the internet when you are overwhelmed), mindfulness, meditation and slowing down the mind, socialization and relationships, healthy boundaries, preventing relapses (both bipolar and substance-based), um…sleep, meals, activity, routines, timing of all of that, gosh there is a LOT on the syllabus. There’s journaling tips, too! There’s one-on-one and group support. We have access to all three meals on campus during the three month course, and before we go home every afternoon, we do a check in to make sure we are comfortable sleeping at home or need to stay at the center. So if I actually feel unsafe/like I’m going to black out, then I can say “I think I’m going to have a blackout” or “I’m really on edge/overstimulated and am afraid to go home.”
So I’m looking forward to learning more about my stuff, loosening the stigma I have about it, and accepting that bipolar and complex ptsd have to be treated like the chronic illnesses that they are, and taking myself seriously…or at least treating myself like I’m worth saving…
