DBT today. Exact same thing as last week and the week before. I’m starting to understand it’s not a “modules” or “class syllabus” thing, it’s just kind of the same class with extra skills work afterward that’s different/tailored to each person in the program. So instead of having 8 sessions about DBT, it’s the same thing.
So we get there at 9, do a check-in/group meeting to open up, two hours of classes and skills, lunch, an hour’s worth of relaxation/stress management practice (actually practiced in this time), a book-end of a group meeting, and then we’re done. One day is all zoom, but only 2 hours are required. I tend to stay longer and listen to everything, even though it’s mostly archive videos of knowledge, skills, and experiences.
After DBT, I visited with one of the advocates about successes, and it really helped put things in perspective. Where I have beating myself up over my blackouts, and then escalating myself into blackouts over it, and taking it out on others (that’s how I see it, at least), things really aren’t so bad.
In three weeks, I’ve established a consistent wakeup routine, a consistent sleep time (when I follow it — and I’m doing it this week, also *), a consistent morning routine, am getting to PHP on time, am getting back to working a consistent schedule, and I’m eating 3 meals a day with 2 snacks whether I want it or not. The best part is realizing there is a 4 hour gap where I can easily radical stealth-care myself to the gym again. And I’m starting to learn that if I stay busy, my brain doesn’t start sliding off its plate.
Not only that, but I have actually started having success with my piling and calming that inner 5 year old before I fall into full regression and subsequent blackouts. And even then, that’s only happened three times in the last three weeks, and they used to happen every other day, if not every day. I was so damned tired and in so much pain and I had no place to take it because I was so afraid of being judged or ignored.
Listen, it’s all fun and games (not at all, really) until you blow up at someone. And I did. And…Sam didn’t deserve it, and I hope they didn’t see it. I never want to do something like that ever again. Like…sorry it took me so long to realize they went all pro on their socials, and sorry that I spent so much energy looking for signs of how things used to be and insistently knocking on the door and worrying that it was my fault and being miserable over it for the last several months (over a year, realistically).
I did make a point to try to say where I was at and what I was dealing with, and I never had a concrete reason to believe that I wasn’t responsible for all of it. And with what I got going on, it’s a lifeline to have concrete evidence. If it’s a grey area, it’s almost 100% going to be twisted by my own historical data into being my fault. It’s why I don’t like talking to people, it’s why I prefer to keep to myself. It’s why I prefer low-effort but meaningful connections instead of actual friends. Friends = dangerous territory. Any sign of ambiguity, and I’m beating myself up over it. I just want to be surrounded by kind people. Like, seriously, my Facebook friend list is getting a bit larger, but most are just acquaintances that have stuck over the years. We are not close, but our connections are meaningful.
Anyway, sorry, off my soapbox. But that is a big deal, and what created the environment in my head for all of the last two paragraphs to be happening is why I am in PHP.
* About the sleep — I kinda…listen, Sam can both be not available anymore for anything not work related (I miss the days of Twitter before everything went to shit), and I can still glean inspiration from them to help me keep working on myself. Both states can exist at the same time. But the sleep — I did kind of think about the fact that my schedule isn’t overloaded (I actually have a block of space to work with) and I am physically healthy, if not a bit overweight. My mental state is the battlefield. It is a chronic condition (both complex ptsd and bipolar are chronic illnesses), and it will attack when you’re not on top of yourself. Usually, staying on top of routines, making sure you’re eating right, and making sure to create a calm and loving home environment for yourself and eliminate as many agitations as possible will keep the majority of those attacks away. Due to the multi-layered nature of complex trauma, it’s not 100% failsafe. But when you start getting your routines, etc in order, the damage mitigation is a LOT easier. And I’m learning that as I go. I keep thinking that if Sam can successfully manage an acting career despite their own obstacles (which I know includes actual pain, not mental anguish…well not on my level at least), then that’s reason enough to keep believing in the process. If they can do it, I can do it too.
Me and my word walls.
Speaking of rest and calm, loving environment, I am going to go enjoy the quiet comfort of my own home before heading out to do work tonight.
Remember, healing isn’t linear. Changes aren’t always obvious, but don’t give up before they start showing up, because you have to show up first before the miracle happens.