First…am writing while in a depressive episode, perhaps bipolar, seasonal, both? Not sure. But I needed to write about joy, and have been trying to live with the intentionality of finding and cultivating my inner joy. Is it helping with the swings? I’d say maybe. I’m quieter. But I’m less isolated and less prone to crying since I started making self-directed lovingkindness a mission. For what it’s worth, I’m actually getting chores done and am finding energy to keep moving. So…I might be really heckin’ sad, but I’m also content with it. The coffee has been splendid, lately, and I binged a show called Dead Hot, and was absolutely captivated by it from start to finish. I also managed to completely rearrange my bedroom (finally), and even took the time to finally throw a way a box of things that belonged to my mother but had absolutely no use to me whatsoever (remote controls, old wires and adapters, etc that came from a junk electronics drawer that I swore I might be able to make use of).
Oh, to find joy in Radical Self-Care, what a concept. As I said, I’ve been dealing (mild way to put it) with a downswing, most likely a combination of bipolar/seasonal depression and some things I have no control over. Finding joy in such a state is extremely difficult. Especially when you and your coach both realize that your biggest problem is that you invest all of said joy into folks who don’t know what to do with it, which spins off a repetitive cycle courtesy of your history of complex trauma and narcissism. It’s a mother wound thing. You become dependent on the joy coming back from a specific person or people, and if they fade or disappear, you lose your joy, which leads to fight or flight, and well, it’s a mess. The cognitive dissonance is that I know this shouldn’t be happening, but fear of failure or abandonment tend to override any sense of self-restraint or self-confidence, even after at least a year of solid therapy work. Except we did come to the conclusion of overinvesting joy as a reframed version of this mother wound on Monday. But…intention is the key. And since Monday, I’ve been making intentional movements and activities that bring me a little bit of joy here and there.
The thing about joy is people often associate it with happiness. But the two are very different states. Happiness a reaction. Joy transcends. It’s a state of being. And in terms of radical self-care, it’s an act of rebellion against your illness. You can be in the worst mental state, and yet you can still choose joy. I think about how I’d often be so full anxiety in the past that I’d find my joy hiding under my blankets and playing a mobile game. It was such a pleasure to watch trains as they filled up with coal or iron or logs or copper and then go on their merry way to the drop off location. Even though I was forced to stay down due to the anxiety, I was still able to find a place to rebel against it, even if it was a simple train station simulator on my old Samsung.
I think part of my own depression is a state of just feeling defeated over everything. You try to be “good” or do what you can to follow a proper sleep schedule, something flips, you lose your appetite, forget to eat, you’re preoccupied with either pain from the depressive swing or feeling like you failed / are failing people, then learning your abandonment fears might actually be a lot simpler than you’ve been pathologizing it to be. Joy. The stuff that makes you willfully detach from your pain, that allows you to smile and feel pleasure or happiness, the little thing that fuels your self-compassion…you gave it to someone in trade for approval. No approval means no joy. But most folks, unlike those from childhood, don’t operate on an approval scale.
How silly is it to look back at all this therapy, never finding the right label for this lifelong problem, and learning it’s actually easier to remedy than you thought…as long as you follow what helps the diagnosed ailments, you have the ability to cultivate and nurture your joy again. The best part is what you invested may not have gone to waste. Time will tell.
So how does one create joy? I believe I have a few suggestions. First is simply to find what makes you sad that you have control over and fix that. House a mess? Clean it. Find the spoons and clean it. Tired? Not late enough to sleep? The bed is yours and your free time is yours. Go sleep. Enjoy the extra hours after you wake up. Second, you should know your love language. Speak to yourself with your love language. Mine is service. I love to help others. I get so much joy (see?) from helping others. When I started speaking to myself in the same language, I noticed I started to feel better. Because I was giving myself the thing that makes me feel joy. So not only was I giving myself joy, I was doing so by showing my self some love and compassion. I might feel like I am a failure, but I also know that I don’t deserve to feel so bad about it.
Joy isn’t a reaction, it’s the results of a series of actions over a period of time, and it can be felt instantly. In DBT, for example, we practice mindfulness, emotion regulation, stress management, and interpersonal relationships with the intention of finding the joy from those things. It’s a state of being, a way of life. Making use of the practices we learn from DBT, such as experiencing the warm cup of coffee, the refreshed feeling of a skin care routine, the smell and feeling of clean clothes we put on, the sudden rush of purpose we get from putting on our shoes — all of that is pushing the joy agenda within ourselves so that we can have a happy, content, and fulfilling day. It’s a radical act to show up for ourselves, even when we’re in a downswing, and by showing up, we remember our value and that we still have the capacity to feel joy.
Even if you’re crawling as I am, lately, making sure your joy belongs to you isn’t selfish, which is (hopefully) one of the last things I have to unlearn in complex trauma recovery, it’s actually one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. It helps lower stress and cortisol (cortisol is what makes depression and bipolar-related downswings physically hurt), it helps strengthen your immune system, it helps you regulate your CNS and emotions, it helps strengthen you against anxiety and depression. Even when you’re sad, if you can find a way to not sit in it, even for a few minutes, then you’re doing what you’re supposed to.
I already listed how morning routines, sleep, fixing what you have control over that makes you feel sad, and speaking to yourself in your love language. Here are some other ideas on things to do that help find joy (and why they help me, if I can):
- Do a crossword puzzle. Achievements are very big dopamine hits, and completing a word puzzle is a great way to find achievement. The joy is in the completion.
- Make a warm drink like tea, coffee, cocoa, etc. Something about the warmth and having to enjoy it slowly gives you a moment to both rest, savor, and in a way, clear your mind. It can also help you find focus or calm. It’s grounding. The joy is in the experience of grounding.
- Take a nap. Listen, I used to hate naps. But now I swear by them. Give me 90 minutes in the afternoon to mimic my cat, and I am good to go. Is the joy in turning everything off for a bit, or is it in feeling the spark of energy upon waking? I don’t know. The joy is in both, perhaps.
- Write.
- Find a new show to sink your brain into.
- Play a video game and do something repetitive…like farming materials.
- Treat yourself to a break from people.
- Read a book.
- Listen to music that has no vocals. Like classical, lofi, jazz, or even jazz fusion. Let your mind get lost in the sounds and not be motivated by words and lyrics.
- Drink water.
- If you have the energy for it, go for a walk.
- Meditate.
- Stretch your body. Do yoga or tai chi. Something that involves gentle movements.
- Take a warm bath.
- Go to bed a little earlier than yesterday.
- Listen to a new audio drama.
- Listen to a new podcast.
- Compliment someone.
- Spend time with a pet if you have one.
- Practice breathing exercises, even if it’s a simple 4 count inhale, 6 count exhale.
- Sit up straight.
- Massage your neck (vagus nerve stimulation)
- Go for a photo walk, even if it’s just around the house. Pick a theme, color, topic, and take some pictures of different things in your area or house that match, and take pictures.
I can’t really explain why all of these seem to bring joy. Maybe it’s because there’s a sense of self-care, compassion, self love, interest in what’s immediately around you, creative outlets, small dopamine hits, etc. But it’s all there, and they all help cultivate joy. If they don’t bring immediate joy, they are still pushing your internal compass in that direction. Think of these actions like coins in a piggy bank. The more you contribute, the more the bank fills up. Do them regularly, and even in a downswing, you’ll know you can depend on yourself more and more — and in my case, at least — you’ll find that joy comes from within, from self-directed actions, and isn’t tied to anything or anyone else, even if your inner traumatized child invests it all into people he thinks are supposed to raise him. Because every action is an investment, but these are investments in yourself. And the returns on these investments are returns to your body, your breath, your right to presence, all of which remind you that you belong here. You belong to yourself. You have the agency, the love, the validation, and the respect, things that people took from you when you didn’t have the ability to defend yourself. And you can trust yourself, now, with every small act of joy-inducing self-compassion you do. You are your own safe place, and learning that is unshakeable joy.
