I self-advocated at work, and ended up with a slightly different schedule…and a raise alongside it. The big bonus is that I will be working counter- to when a certain two people from my irl would be awake. And I’d also have more time to do quality work, AND my gym schedule would fit perfectly around it! Which is awesome. It would also allow me to game with my Oceanic friends as well as my other friends who put themselves on this shift, and I do have quite a few.
But just like when I played hockey and had post-game jitters instead of pre-game, I got super nervous when i got home and I just couldn’t let it go like back in the day. I carried that energy to social media and was incapable of playing it cool in a certain comment section, and I even admitted the pic that was shared was absolute King of Wands energy and they made me nervous….even more nervous…so I tried to focus on a quiet guilty pleasure, which is fashion…and I failed at that, too, because I couldn’t figure out who the designer was that the person was wearing. OH! Nelson – it’s the Nelson jacket by…um….crap…is it Nili Lotan? She reminds me a lot of YSL from the late 70s/early 80s, but she also puts out the kind of designs that break traditional rules when it comes to luxury. Kind of an um…folksy Americana vibe to her stuff.
Anyway, sorry, lol but I am very much a quiet observer and enjoyer of how people design clothing — each designer has a certain vibe and I can normally pick up on it quickly. But I was so self-conscious and I couldn’t figure it out at the time.
But yeah…energies were not matching today, and I quietly deleted my comments and kept the share up. The nice thing is that I’m learning to observe instead of obsess over the whys or beat myself up over it. I feel like this is healing in action. I would normally go into abandonment re-traumatization, turn it into me being ignored, and then beat myself up over it. But this time, I saw it for what it was: I simply wasn’t matching the vibe…or meeting it, anyway. They know I care. I hope…
After that, a friend had a crisis and I can’t talk details because it’s their crisis…but I helped talk them through it, and they came to a difficult decision. This helped redirect my nervous energy into something helpful.
Anyway…but today overall was great. Really proud of myself for getting that schedule and taking steps to improve my work environment so early on. I’m still very nervous, despite having a lot of experience in the field. Just…still feels new to self-advocate and be so well-received. I will calm down with time. And I’m really proud of myself with how I handled the potential bullshit that I would have created mentally out of a simple “unmatched vibe” in a comment section. No harm, no foul. I’m making progress, even if it feels messy, sometimes.
Be well, everyone who reads – and I hope you had a Big Up, too!