I feel like tomorrow is going to mark the end of an incredible chapter of my life, a chapter that will undoubtedly fill the pages of a book I am already planning. I’ve so many lessons learned, so many insights gained, and an entirely new understanding of myself. Of all the things I’ve acquired since that near-fateful day in late April, the one I cherish the most is self-trust. I can hardly remember what it was like to constantly second guess myself and avoid opportunities because I was scared or leery of my capabilities. I’m the strongest person I know, and I’m more confident than ever — but I’m not cocky. I’m still building…I just know how much I can handle.
Tomorrow, I’m moving into my own apartment. No longer in the singles section of the shelter, no longer in a hotel. It’s my own place in a good part of this city. I have a couple of friends who live there, and we’re planning some mid-afternoon dinners in the future. I do find it ironic that I’m looking forward to having a quiet Thanksgiving alone with a new turntable and one of my old jazz albums. I plan on getting a cat, but that’s far off into the future.
I will say that I am tired. I’ve been through a lot, and I still haven’t restarted therapy. But I know I’ve got my wits about me, because we’re having fun at work, and I’m already “taking charge” in areas where I’m needed to. I picked it back up like I never left, and I have a tremendous team around me. On top of that, I’m kind of a nerd for the different cuts of meat and the colorful array of fruits, vegetables, and herbs that I work with. I’m preparing a Tumblr blog so that I can adhd/autistically talk about it all — and how to cook it — at length. I’m so exhausted, though, and I long for my own bed where I can sleep comfortably without the noise and fear and other uncomfortable emotions around the places I’ve laid my head as of late.
I guess I’m just…I guess I’m just feeling the blessings, right now. I am tired, and I’ve a long way to go from here, still. But looking at where I am vs where I started…I can’t believe it’s all real.