Mornings are rough lately! I wake up with some level of resentment for literally anything. Anything from my friend not calling or texting to something that I have to do next week. It’s very bizarre and out of character.
Normally, I wake up and my routine is to snag my shower, get my coffee, and be dressed within the first hour, but now I’m just drinking coffee and driving myself to tears for…like I said, name something. I wonder what’s going on.
Is this grief? Am I finally starting to feel the pain of loss that I’ve not been able to feel myself through all these years? Starting from my uncle in in 2008, to my my grandpa in 2010, and then mom in 2022, and adding to that the recent severance from remaining family? Or is it the awkwardness of finally seeing myself doing some semblance of whatever is considered well for myself, without the normal push back on that that I’ve endured from others when I actually do do well?
I don’t know. At this stage, I don’t really have anything to be overwhelmingly worried about. Food is plenty, bills are in order, and I’ve got job security. I’m taking care of my side of the street. I’m active in my recovery (and others’). So the strong negative emotions feel very out of place.
I am observing my actions, I don’t seem to be trying to make up for them, anywhere, which is good, obviously. I do know that if I sit and dwell on it, the first person that I wish I could reach out to for advice is my mom. But she’s not here. After that, I’m not really wanting to call or contact anyone.
Maybe I’m just waking up missing my mom, and it’s manifesting itself in other things.
Grief is hard.