It’s 32 degrees outside. I have my AC/Heater off, and it’s toasty. I assume other units are passively heating my place. Tommie is asleep on the chair by the window. I wanted to write a blog post, but I’m in that strange interstitial place between being tired enough to go to sleep and just wanting to sit and relax my jaw and stare at a screen. So that’s what I am doing…and I am squeezing out a blog post, anyway.
The Depakote is leveling off, finally. I’ve slept 7-8 hours the past three nights, and am really grateful for that. I was only getting 4 here and there, so the bump up to a full sleep is very rewarding. I also had a chance to test it out, yesterday, and I did really well. Never got over-excited, never blacked out, and I was very comfortable in my desire to not speak much. I did get some laughs every time I did though. Which is intentional, I like jokes. I like humor.
Speaking of Depakote, I’m remembering something significant from the last time I took it. I didn’t care to remember people or situations back then. My memory was fine, but if it didn’t serve me right this very moment, it was somewhere else in my head. Which family (of course) accused me of not caring or being inconsiderate, but seriously, this was the secret weapon, I believe, for how I went from being near-controlled to living in a completely different state for four years. What I am getting at is that what I just left last year, being stuck in that house and under their thumb for almost a decade — that was already trying to happen back in the late 90s (as in — right out of high school). And getting on the adhd meds (Strattera) and bipolar meds (Depakote) provided my internal self with the ability to both focus and just not care what people thought, especially if it hindered me from achieving a goal. I think that’s what’s starting to happen now.
I used to have this thing I’d do. I called it turtling up, or shrinking up. Where I’d imagine myself in a smaller space with smaller priorities. I’ve talked about this before on the blog somewhere (including where it came from). But I’d create a box of a space for myself to sit and have energy in. Doing driving-related work gives me a great space to do that, with me in the driver’s seat, and my necessities in the passenger seat. Throw on a podcast or audio drama, and I’m good to do my work all day. No rush, just contract after contract. And all I am responsible for is that space for the day, and what I choose to bring into the space. I think that’s my headspace right this minute, except I’m at my desk, and I think I’m about to start drooling (I jest), but I’m not ready for bed…which I am starting to think is a lie.
I made a grave mistake of following a suggested list of folks in the bipolar feed on bsky, and it’s all aggressively political accounts, and I hate it. I could kick myself for not double checking first. I really don’t care how much I dislike a person, I do not want to hear people call them names and speak so negatively 24/7. I understand the rallying aspect, but I don’t want a part of it. Especially when it all reads like tabloid-level accusations. So I’m unfollowing as I see it pop up. But it’s completely jacked up my feed, because I almost exclusively look at the bipolar, Buddhist, and mutuals feeds. Honestly, I think I’m gonna bail from the bipolar feed, because it’s almost all armchair psychologists accusing people they don’t like of being bipolar. Like sit back down, nobody needs you stigmatizing something people are actually working through. Get off it already. And if a person was or not, it’s none of your business, nor is it your business to use it as a weapon to shame someone about.
Anyway, okay, yeah I’m tired. Off I go, then.