Flipping Switches

(yes, I know it’s an old pic)

I just got home from Karaoke about 30 minutes ago. I am ALIVE at 1:30am. I wish I’d thought about recording or having someone record me, but I didn’t even think about it. The point was kinda forgetting everything and just having fun. I sang It’s Been Awhile by Staind, which I performed with a live band back in like 1998 after the lead singer had an issue with something clear and liquidy. Then I sang Saving Me from Nickelback, which I blanked on until I heard the music. Someone asked me to, so I did. Then a friend of mine asked for Slide, for old time’s sake, and I belted that one — it’s like a signature song for me when I do karaoke, so it was kind of obvious to do it. The coolest part is none of the friends I went with gave me shit for not drinking. As a matter of fact, they made sure I had bottomless diet soda and chips/queso. I bought a round as a thank you, though. And yes, I was the DD.

I then had a marathon day at work, and finished earning yet another month’s worth of rent. Right now, I’m about 4 months ahead. Since I’m so far ahead, I am keeping this for treating myself to something nice on New Years.

Sam also dropped a new interview with Sheila Fables today, and just from the clip I saw first, I was reminded of one of the biggest things I learned this year: doing your best isn’t for other people, it’s for yourself. I’m from the complex ptsd crowd, I don’t know what doing anything for me feels like, really, so a lot of the time, when I feel authentic joy, I actually get scared that someone is going to take it away from me. But lately, the more I try to make a practice of doing my best for me and me alone, the easier it gets to not be scared — because for once in my life I’m truly unsupervised. So hearing Sam echo that both encouraged me and sent me backward to the time I was on fire for getting the fuck out of where I was and to a place of safety. It was as if all the shit that botched my progress last year was just gone.

Oddly enough, I’ve been able to listen to 90s rock and early 00s modern rock alternative, which is one of my favorite eras of music, since I listened to that clip.

Then I watched the interview, and I just melted. I kinda felt like I don’t have to give play by plays anymore, because well…homie knows exactly what I got going on — not from the same experiences I’ve had (thank the Universe), but they still battled perfectionism and the negative self-talk, which I am so damned good at. It’s like I’m almost at the stage where I’ve started yelling at my self for yelling at my self. But being nice to me? Not yet. But that led to me leaving two comments on their reel about it. Every single person in my village — my psych, my coach, and my mentor all say it — external validation and perfectionism are the devil when it comes to recovering from trauma, especially as intense as mine. I find myself being so focused on making no mistakes that I end up just not doing things. That isn’t adhd, that’s giving up. ADHD is the 65 tabs I currently have opened, and they will stay open until I get to them in a month. That is real. Ok not 65, but still:

Anyway, there was something else that was mentioned, and I am so relieved that Sam is taking it seriously. When I said I want them around forever, I meant that. Not that this would result in a short outcome, but I had two great aunts with something that sounds very very similar, and I saw what happens when you don’t take care of yourself and stay on top of sleep and proper nutrition. That woman lived a very painful life. (The other took good care of herself and lived to be 82, passing from a completely unrelated issue.)

I ended up leaving a third comment, which made me feel like I was taking up too much space. But I wanted to tell them I was glad they were taking care of their self, because I know it’s serious.

For some reason, knowing this is a thing, now, makes me want to straighten up a little faster. I know I’m one of the annoying ones, but I don’t want to be that way, you know? Like…let’s not cause grief where it’s unnecessary. Sam radiates, progress, innovation, movement, growth…and I’m feet-in-cement stuck in this constant state of emotional turmoil, despite literally doing really heckin’ good, all things considered. I’ve spent more energy this past year being worried sick about how I’m being received than not giving a shit what people think and just living my life. After all…who is around me that would actually care, anymore? (imagine crickets). But if it’s what I think it is, I need to be more supportive and less of an energy drain. Sam needs a lot less stress than what I feel like I’ve been contributing. Basically, I need to get on Sam’s level asap. I don’t think that’s as difficult to attain as I’ve been making it.

My face was soaked by the time the conversation was over. I think it reignited my desire to stop recovering and actually be recovered. I don’t think it’s a switch like that, but I’ve seen myself do some pretty incredible things in the past, so I wouldn’t put it past me. And since I know nobody will ever see this, despite me sharing it, I’ll be direct. I’m going to get better for Sam. Sam didn’t inspire me to be in a perpetual state of angst. And they certainly don’t need anyone doing anything for them, but I do better when I feel like it’s for someone else’s benefit (reverse psychology, just go with it). Fuck inspiration, though, that’s head-in-the-clouds dreamy shit. I want to act on it. No. I will act on it.

So henceforth, I’ll live my best life. I will do my best not to say mean things to myself. I will make sure I do my routines and meet my macros like my life depends on it (I’m bipolar — my life does depend on it). I will aim to be a little better than I was the day before. And I’ll do it for Sam.

(Watch this get a dozen views…)