Sorry about that! I had an idea for an escape plan, and I ended yesterday’s post and started making phone calls and asking around, and I forgot to explain why the two instances were so different in the previous posts. Honestly that sentence alone might be enough.
Where one situation is based on an unfounded fear from my past, I’m not being insulted and torn down all the time, and I’m able to work on it in peace (kinda).
The other problem was nothing but constantly tearing me down and making me feel like i didn’t want to be here, sometimes literally. It was causing disruptions in every aspect of my life, even in therapy and recovery…and especially with the fear work.
Like I said, I won’t be mean to myself over it, though I am starting to feel defeated. Empathy and compassion are in short supply over here, and I want to make sure I’m making it a priority. I still haven’t told my therapist (I see her on Wednesday). I don’t know if she needs to know sooner.
At the meeting last night, which I attended before writing yesterday’s post, my four friends who go to that one had four very different reactions.
One reminded me that I am a miracle, that my situation, my family, none of that defines my worth. And that I need to remember that a miracle got me there in the first place.
Another reminded me not to be so complacent. Which, after talking with him, maybe I was complacent. I’ve gone long enough, maybe I’ll stop at drink number three. While buying 4x that much and knowing full well what would happen. Maybe things got too routine with my grandmother that her tantrums hurt more. But he encouraged me to keep reading the book until and after I get my sponsor to help me with Step 6 and beyond.
Another just gave me a hug and said I was missed in the rooms and she wanted me to keep coming back if I wanted to.
And a fourth chewed me out, and reminded me that this isn’t a game, and I need to treat myself with more self-respect. So many self-things…that, and to never let the bad people trigger my drinking, because it gives me the impression that they won. She even went so far as to say don’t let good people talk me into it, either, because then you drink and then you have a resentment. Stay true to the NO because NO is a complete sentence, you can also tell others NO, and you can tell yourself NO.
I’m still processing everyone’s reaction…but it was clear that nobody was mad. If anything, they were hurt that I didn’t call first. I’ll work on that. I hope that it doesn’t happen again, but I’ll work on it.