I was tidying up in my place while thinking about where/how I’d start if I wrote part of my life experience into a game format. I have some ideas, and was kind of tying it together in my head as I prepared to make the bed. In a matter of seconds, I had my face buried in the blankets, sobbing.
Just like that, I went from looking forward to future goals to being paralyzed at how pathetic I must appear to people. All that work I’ve put in, the past few months, and I’m nothing more than a random trans guy working at a gas station. That people probably are ashamed of me because that’s all I’ve got to show for all of the effort I’ve put in. Nevermind that I have my own apartment, and am on top of all of my bills. It’s taken me so much effort to get where I am, and I was just nasty to myself about appearances. I’ve fought through plantar fasciitis in both feet that’s had me on my knees and crying the last few hours of the work day to actually being able to remain standing with some pain but not much, anymore. But my mind was going for the jugular, this afternoon.
I know that it has to be cptsd doing the talking, but it hurt really bad to hear myself say those things. I choose to celebrate me. And I know this isn’t my final form. But I guess I’m really tired, because the negative self-talk is hitting me hard, even after it’s over.
I am getting internet installed on Monday. I’m so excited about it! I can finally get caught up on some of my games! (The ones my laptop can play.) Then I can work on getting the PC out of hold at the pawn shop.
Then I finished the last chapter of my short story. I fell asleep twice during finishing it. I’m going to set aside tomorrow and read it in it’s entirety before I make any more edits.
I’m gonna struggle with this negativity for awhile. Part of it keeps telling me I should just give up and find something self-destructive to do. So I gotta sort that out. Hopefully it’ll only be a couple of days. Maybe when I get my internet hooked up, I’ll forget about it. *sigh* post-traumatic stress sucks.
I’m not okay, right now, but tomorrow’s a new day.
If not sleep, then get some quality rest, everyone. Everything passes. 💛