tl;dr: woke up depressed, socializing seems to be getting better, Discord woes, grocery shopping tomorrow along with group therapy, and mobile gaming notes.
So I woke up fully depressed, this morning. My right leg was numb, which doesn’t happen very often (maybe twice a year), but when it does, I have to basically wake it up, and today, it decided to wake up and throw pins and needles all the way up the right side of my body. That hurt so bad that it made me cry. I’d get it checked out, but it doesnt happen often enough to worry about. It’s probably because I just slept wrong.
It was the icing on the glum cake of everything’s going great, why am I not? Like…I can put 159.6% effort into anything, and my ptsd will tell me that wasn’t enough, and what I did do wasn’t good enough. So here, let’s throw a deadened leg on top of it so you can especially feel shitty, this morning.
It may not be ptsd, it might just be my high standards deciding to ramp up when I need to be showing myself a little more grace. I didn’t have any problems at work, though. Aa a matter of fact, aside from fighting tears a few times for no reason other than feeling super sad, I was completely fine.
I do wonder, is this seasonal depression? It’s that time of year. I know who to talk to about it, but it could just be everything going on kinda hitting me sideways. It’s understandable, if that is what it is. I think I’m right that grace is the key, here.
Socially, I think I’m doing well. Observing how I interact with others, I think the right people are getting the right amount of attention, and I’m a little more open in conversations, whether it’s online, on socials, at work, or in real life. Nobody’s approached me about being out of line or off-color in any of those areas, which I’m happy about. I hope that if I was, I’d be gently admonished (in a clear manner) so I can adjust my sails. I do worry, sometimes…OK I worry a lot. That I’m talking too much, that I’m not saying the right things, that I’m not talking enough…worry worry worry.
My Leo sun 🌞 likes to chat and take risks, socially, but my Virgo moon, mercury, venus, and saturn like to analyze the shit out of things later, so it’s a delicate balance. Anytime I call out a Virgo on my socials, it’s about me, unless I number them. I’ve four in my life, and they are the sweetest, grounded, well-mannered, most endearing people I know…all with a razor sharp sense of humor. Oh and good grief the amount of callbacks they do to previous incidents…and I kinda miss the slams in a certain card game we played often over Discord a few years back. All that sweet endearing nature was utter bs at that point 😂😂😭
Oh, speaking of which, I accidentally logged out of Discord. Hopefully I can find my codes, somewhere.
I got paid early after moving my direct deposit to my main bank account, so I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow! For once, I don’t want to go to the big place to buy my food, but it’s cheaper there, and I can’t afford to waste a penny on luxuries like the corner market, right now. Oh. Wait, there’s a smaller bodega-type market right down the street that’s one of the cheapest in town and still has decent quality food. I’m worrying for nothing. Yay! 🎉 I forget it’s there because I’m still not used to my new neighborhood.
I’ve got some games on my phone that I’ve fallen in love with, and I wanted to talk about them! Of course, I talk about Raid Shadow Legends a lot. Grindy game, gorgeous graphics, been playing since 2019. It will never get old. It ticks a lot of boxes for me: get champions, gear them up, upgrade them and their gear to make them better, beat high-quality bosses, engage in pvp and clan vs clan activities, work together with clan mates to kill even bigger bosses, read lore, and none of that requires extravagant purchases. It can be played for free easily. When I’m able, I do try to toss in something – if you love a game, try to support it.
Next is Eve Echoes. I’m still learning how to play it, but it’s like the lite version of it’s PC counterpart, Eve Online, which I’ve played on and off since 2003. It feels like Eve Online but without the pomp and circumstance. Things take much less time and some tasks are even instantly completed.
Elder Scrolls Blades feels and sort of looks like Skyrim in that it’s hack and slash, but it has elements of microtransactions that speed the game up. You’re hacking and slashing in radiant instances with radiant stories, and there’s no set arc, aside from “I’ve been tasked with rebuilding this town that the Blood Queen razed with fire.”
Elder Scrolls Castles feels like a refined version of Fallout Shelter, and both are fun. The only downside to Castles is that you get one castle, where Shelter offers three vaults to play with.
I just started Diablo Immortal, because I remembered Erin has a role in the game, and I like supporting her work, since she’s basically a friend at this point, and I mod for her when I can. I hit the first checkpoint and that game is daaaaark! Just like every other Diablo game, really. Feels quite a bit like Path of Exile, which I miss the heck out of.
I guess that’s it!! See? The depression stuff is only in the morning! I’m fine right now. A little sad, but like I said, I’m really thinking it’s just me deeply feeling the external events, and not me specifically. I am doing the next right thing, I hope. I am okay.
Keep your heads up, everyone! We got this! ☀️🙌💛