I got dressed this morning a little slower. Woke up still conflicted with my decision, but the way emotions have revealed themselves, there is a lot of hurt I need to heal. That wasn’t the only thing on my mind, as I had a memorial to attend, a cat to locate with my neighbor at the old house, and errands to run for my relative who has a broken hip.
The unexpected news came while I was picking up one of her prescriptions. My relative who was in the hospital (the one who is alive) was being released! So I changed up the plans quickly and went to pick her up. The relief I felt was so strong that I had to stop and hurl. Gross but…that’s how I handle most things. I tend to have a lot more focus and resilience until the stress is over, then I get sick with anxiety and panic.
Kevin was found and taken to the vet while I was retrieving my relative. She did lose her leg, it was broken that bad. If I can manage it, I’m bringing her home to heal and maybe give her a home. She is feral but one you don’t forget. She’ll walk right by you and do figure 8s around your legs and yap your ear off, but gods forbid if you try to bend over and touch her, you’ll pull back a nub where your finger used to be. I’ve gotten her to take food from my hand, though.
After I got my relative situated at her recovery place (another relative’s house), I went to my friend’s memorial. I missed the afternoon funeral for another friend since the times conflicted and the latter was out of town. Two are tomorrow, but they’re also too far out of town to attend. I’m a little interested about one of them, as they were born, raised, and lived locally, so I don’t know why the burial is elsewhere. Maybe a relative is buried where he will be.
Then I came home and couldn’t get any interest to do anything. I’m just really sad. I worry a lot in silence. And even though I have a new PC, the desire to get lost in a game is…not sure. It’s not anhedonia, just kinda wanting to sit and dwell…or brood.
I did find a spark of inspiration when going through old screenshots from my photo folders, and decided to stop waiting for Flashes to come to Android, instead, reviving my old Insta. I don’t have a theme, and maybe that’s how my life is in reality, but I shared some filler material to at least get it started.
With a lot of big stressors closing (relative coming home, memorial done), it leaves room to think about that which I forced an end to and what I could have done differently. There’s a lot of conflicted emotions surrounding it that I didn’t realize. I think another person’s actions really did hurt me. I don’t really feel jealous by nature, but seeing people say the exact same thing I said, and feeling like I was the one left on the porch while a party was going on inside just left a really bitter taste in my mouth. I also know that the actions were most likely not to be mean but to protect from my overwhelming behavior. So I feel bitter, then I feel bad. Not guilty. Just bad.
Then I want to go back and explain in full detail how the relapses started after November happened, but at this point, does it even matter? What matters to me is that I made a decision to cope a certain way, and now I am sitting with the result.
It’s so fucking complicated.
I could dumb it down and say “all this over a stupid online acquaintance.” I could dismiss it as “some rando who said a thing.” I would be greatly omitting the truth. It was someone I still credit to at least sparking my ability to actually leave a situation that was going to kill me eventually. They seem to refuse any more credit than that, but I still kinda don’t care. Not “don’t care” in a “you’ll be a hero and you’ll like it” way, but “no, you really were that level of bright that I could see myself through one of the darkest times in my life” way.
I just didn’t know how to handle November. And for that, I am sorry. I am truly sorry. I hope things can heal soon, because I really want things to be like they were before November. I wish someone would tell me how to fix things, how to heal so I could come back. The only answer I have now is time…which, after all of the funerals…do we even have that?
And fwiw I don’t know if certain eyes will see this, but if so…you did nothing wrong. I’m just afraid I did and I don’t want to keep the cycle of that going. I want to fix things. I really do.