Heya folks! Ok so I have a lot of things to talk about…negatives out of the way first:
- one of “those two” has surgery tomorrow. And decided to give me the silent treatment over the weekend up to now…so I guess I can say the last time I talked to her was 4 days ago. The surgery is one of those that has a 60% mortality rate. The silent treatment is…I actually don’t know what it’s for. I know there was a lot of push back when they found out that I was in PHP, and let me know that the other half of “those two” has it so much worse than me, and I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking about getting help for something as small as whatever I have going on. Didn’t phase me, but after I got the silent treatment before a potentially no-return surgery, no. I don’t feel selfish at all. I am taking care of myself with the resources I have available to me. People choose to be how they are. I choose to take care of me, their reaction is not my decision. Even in this case.
- The other half of “those two” offered me some work over the weekend in exchange for enough to cover a certain big bill, and I did the work, and they suddenly became so worried about the other one that they couldn’t bear to go to the bank and withdraw the cash that they promised me for said work. So the bill will be 50% more since the due date is the day of the surgery. The thing is, the surgery was the reason they needed the work done over the weekend. I could have made the same amount just doing my gig work, but I have a heart….and they took advantage of it. It’s almost like they knew I’d be late on a bill if they did that…I don’t think they would do that but…I wonder.
Ok that’s the negative.
The good news! I’m no longer in PHP! Well I am but they halved it and it’s technically IOP now. Same class, just 3x a week, and I still have to do Saturday Zoom. So I went to class today, and within an hour of getting there, my Psych walks into the room. She motions for me to come to her, and said “we need to talk” and gave me this stern “we’re going to talk to the supervisor” look. So I was like “oh shit…” and started thinking about everything I’d done or written about. And we get there, and my coach was there as was another person I’ve been working with fairly closely since I started this. All three of them said they think it’s time for me to start branching away from PHP. Not stop it entirely, but it’s become apparent that my efforts to follow what I’m learning are starting to actually transform my life, and the PHP classes in general are actually impeding my progress. I didn’t have a blackout the week prior, I’ve not had one last week, and now I’m starting to make a schedule where I may or may not be going to bed at midnight, but I’m incorporating naps like a pro (sounds small, but it isn’t), I’m balancing work, personal time, managing my nutritional intake as well as my environmental area…and I’m actually doing really well. “marked improvement” was mentioned several times in the meeting. So I am doing a monday/wednesday/friday class schedule with saturday’s for zoom.
My coach did me a solid and talked with the team about my bill issue, and i’m off all day tomorrow, but i will be working for the whole day. It’s trying to get as close to what I owe on that bill as I can. I’m nervous as hell about it.
if anything i’ll get super close to what i owe, pay that and still have the late fee, but it’ll be a lot less of an issue than not being able to go out and earn.
anyway, yeah, things are just starting to look up even when they’re a bit “ugh” inspiring.
