More for my records than to share info. haha. But I learned I won’t be gone at all from most of my life. PHP is like a part time job. But the job is basically a sort of tool acquisition for reintegrating into post problematic life. I thought PHP was like I’d be at the place a few days a week and wouldn’t really have access to anything. Nope. I go in on a schedule, I do the course work for the day, and I return home and do my every day things (work, gym, etc). So I’m rather happy about that.
Part of the preparatory work is not being on social media 3 hours prior to bed. Two hours before bed, I stop consuming food or drink (water is okay, just not a lot), then the last hour, pc goes into amber mode or I shrink consumption to light reading, puzzles, or non-electronic media with a mandatory midnight bedtime. No sooner, no later. It’s to reinforce the routine of going to bed at the same time. Alarm set for 8am to help with that reinforcement. No sooner, no later.
There’s also some breathing exercises that I’m kicking myself over — not being mean or hard on myself, but “why didn’t you try this the first time you heard about it?” Because they actually work. That and when I get keyed up, walking is good. Make time for the walk. But that story is for another day.
Then I did a thing independently — I started looking into whether or not I feel safe in my flat and how to correct it where I don’t. I looked closely at my bathroom to figure out if/why it prevents me from showering. This is a thing for me — sometimes I can’t do it at all. So I listened to myself when I went in there and note all the places and moments where I felt gross or unsafe. Gross isn’t the word — I’m a germaphobe. It’s like touching the wall with my arm freaks me out. But I made some adjustments like moving the litter box to the common room (in an area that’s more private for Tommie), and that helped a LOT. It’s because if I so much as touch a grain of litter with my foot, I instantly can’t function. I added a second rug/mat to the floor, and I put the shower curtain on rings instead of hooks (it keeps falling off, which freaks me out, I cannot explain why), and I also assigned certain scent collections to moods. This morning, for example, I felt like peony and jasmine. Tomorrow I might feel like eucalyptus. Or sandalwood or bergamot/cypress, etc etc. So, slightly more functional and slightly more organized.
Anyway…I’m nervous, but I’m not wigging out about the PHP anymore. Rather, nervous in an anticipatory sense. Nervous like maybe this will help me with the shit I’ve had all this time. Because I’m really tired, and I know I’ve dragged my friends through it with me. Friends, friendos, acquaintances…people worry about me a lot. I’ve worried a lot. I can kind of feel my brain going into a sort of…I don’t know. Maybe a place of willingness to listen and learn.
