Got there at about 8:45, and met with the psych and med staff pretty much immediately to talk about what I’m taking and the mood/food log that I’ve been doing. Mood log looks depressed as hell — all shades of yellows and reds, mostly reds. Esso si, que es. They also noticed that I’m eating way too little even if I’m trying to lose fat. 1500 calories is barely enough to keep me going and is 100% the reason I’m so tired and that my moods have been shit. That and why I can’t sleep well, which can also impact my moods. My resting metabolic rate is 2,088 calories a day. 1500 calories is effectively 600 less than that. Which is not good at all. In fact, it’ll make your body stop burning anything just to keep itself going. Also, for the first time since high school, my blood sugar was super low, which I’m hypoglycemic, but the HRT I took back in 2009 actually helped level everything off. So effective immediately: no more artificial sweeteners or “diet” things unless it’s pure flavor preference, I have to eat three square meals a day, and I have to eat “normal” or “balanced” meals. No more keto. The depakote seems to be doing what it’s supposed to (every time I go manic or blackout mode, I tend to remember everything more and more, so I hope this is a precursor to being of sound mind/present enough to not black out at all.
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Anyway, when lunch happened, today, I looked at my food and cried. It was lasagna, a side salad with ranch, and a glass of iced tea. I couldn’t eat it. I remember when I was in a Behavioral Health Center over grieving my uncle, my family disowning me and refusing to talk to me since I came out…I cried at my food then, too. It sources back to when “those two” would shame me, gaslight me, and belittle me for every little thing, and one of their favorite things to shame or gaslight me over was my health and my food. I can jog a full 3.6 mile course (a proper 5k), and they’ll still go into a very uncomfortable depth of conversation about my weight, what I’m eating, and their idea that my heart or something is going to go out because of my weight. When they first put me in that rent house all those years ago, the first thing they did was force me to give them my paychecks (signed over) or they’d kick me out, and they only gave me $10 every two weeks to live on, effectively ruining my ability to get normal (healthy) food, keep gas in my car (which means I couldn’t work, which is what they wanted), couldn’t afford my medications (another thing they wanted), and I gained almost all of my weight back (the 180lb that took 4 years to lose)…but they didn’t believe they caused that. Their excuses were wild. “you could have worked whenever you wanted to” no I couldn’t, my level of expertise isn’t within walking distance. But they decided I’d be better off at a fast food joint, which I literally can’t do, the menu lists jumble up on me after a few minutes and the sensory issues aren’t always a problem, but problem enough that I lose the ability to focus. But every time I did get a job, they demanded the pay checks or would go make a scene in the lobby and try to get me fired.
I couldn’t get out of that thought process until someone came up and put their hand on my shoulder. Apparently I’d been zoned out and thinking about it long enough that my food got cold. I managed to eat half of it before giving up as time ran out and going to class.
In class, we did some introductions, both of ourselves and of the planned course work.
There’s an 8 week module on addiction. I asked why on this one, and the instructor quipped that sometimes we need to be even more sober than we already are. Dry with white knuckles isn’t sobriety. I told him I understood.
An 8 week module on IPSRT, which is done twice.
A 6 week course on CBT.
A 6 week course on DBT.
A 4 week course on boundary setting, which is done twice.
A 6 week course (one day a week) that talks about developing a healthy relationship with food.
These all supplement the two main courses: trauma and bipolar.
I’m also working through that mindful self-compassion workbook Sam talked about. I have Kristen Neff’s Yin and Yang book, but not the mindful self compassion workbook until recently. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to read. Like I’m not allowed to be nice like this to myself because I don’t deserve it.
I have a lot to work on. But that’s why I’m doing this.
